Thanks, you're signed up!


Thanks for registering for the 30 Day Challenge!

We will be sending you an email shortly.

Please make sure you do these two things so you get your emails:

1. Add [email protected] to your address book
2. Mark your email from us as NOT SPAM


PS. If you don't get your email in the next few hours check your spam folder.
Find out how you can make sure our emails get to your inbox here. ×

30 DAY PORN FREE CHALLENGE

30 DAYS OF ADVICE TO HELP YOU STAY PORN FREE

 

user avatar

Been Caught Using Porn? 5 Steps She Needs to Feel Safe Again

by Eddie Capparucci on April 27th, 2016 in Men, Women, Students

blog-template safeShe’s devastated. Your wife has discovered you have been caught using porn and now her expectations of both you and your marriage have been destroyed. Prior to her discovery she had expected you would:

1. Desire only her.

2. Honor her with your actions.

3. Serve as a role model for your children.

4. Be safe.

“Safe” means she can trust you with her heart and believe you are a man of integrity. But now that you’ve been caught using porn, all her expectations have crashed and burned. You have no credibility, you’re untrustworthy, and you lack integrity.

By electing to engage in selfish pleasures you have broken the spirit of the woman you love and have left her wondering how to pick up the pieces. In her mind, you are no longer safe.

Fortunately, your credibility can be restored and your sexual integrity renewed. But to do so, it is critical to follow these steps:

1. Make You Life an Open Book.

Complete transparency is required to rebuild trust in a relationship. That means there is no withholding your cell phone when asked to see it. It also means providing all passwords to electronics. If she asks, you need to explain where you’re going or where you’re coming from. There can be no secrets, and you must be open without being resentful or angry. This can be very difficult for many men who feel they are being treated as a child, but this exercise is not for your benefit. Instead, it’s for your spouse, who needs to be able to have some control over the new fears she has developed due to your addiction.

2. Give Her Time to Throw Rocks.

Your wife is probably angry, even though she may not be showing it at this point. Anger is part of the grieving process and can present itself along any point of the recovery continuum. When she becomes angry, it’s important for you to understand she has a barrel of rocks that she is aiming to throw in your direction. Her recovery requires she work through her anger, and therefore you need to take the rocks that are thrown your way. Many men fight this process and shut their wives down, but that is a mistake—those rocks will still come, but they may be in the form of passive-aggressive behavior. If you don’t let her throw her rocks today, you may find boulders hitting you in the future.

3. Include Her in Your Recovery.

This is an area where many men fall short. The last thing they want to do is continue to bring up their mistakes, so therefore they simply go through the recovery process without sharing what they are learning about themselves and their addiction. This leaves their spouse in the dark and wondering if you’re making any lifelong changes. It’s important for you to talk with her at least once a week about what you’ve been doing in your recovery and learning about yourself. This exercise is helping change her mindset and see that you are making the necessary changes so she can once more think of you as “safe.”

4. Remember Your Words Mean Nothing.

That’s right. Your word are meaningless at this time. In order for her to deem you as safe she needs to see consistent and productive actions. She needs to know you are in recovery and taking the steps necessary to keep up your guard against future temptations.

5. Stay Focused on the Long-Term Outcome and Changing Your Heart.

There are going to be bumps and potholes in your recovery path. It will not be easy and at times you may feel you simply want to quit. But quitting is not an option. You must stay focused and understand that recovery goes beyond changing your behavior and is instead aimed at changing your heart.

Then she’ll see you as safe once again

Back

Resources

  • Richie Wilson

    I think this article is a reasonable response but unfortunately an incomplete one that lacks any scientific rigour you would hope to get from a mental health professional. If in fact we are talking about an ‘addiction’ this kind of addiction is more complicated. This particular kind of addiction is rarely caused by ignorant pleasure seeking, in fact most ‘addictions’ aren’t, a human being who has a happy and fulfilling life doesn’t walk down to the liquor store and begin drinking themselves silly until an addiction ensues. They are driven to it. So the question is how are they driven to it?

    This particular addiction is often fuelled by guilt, shame, pervasive feelings of inadequacy and a profound emptiness. Some of these things will already exist before pornography consumption even begins. The individual consumes porn to satisfy these gaping holes, each time they give in the guilt and shame and inadequacy compounds, it forms into a pattern that grows stronger and more difficult to shake loose as time goes on.
    These issues of shame and inadequacy will be so deeply rooted in the individuals heart and mind (unconscious) that they may have trouble even expressing or articulating this as they may not be emotionally aware of them. If it is a male, males typically are very poor at emotional awareness.

    While none of these things justify this behaviour on any level it is worth noting that in most cases the individuals self worth is so painfully low that they are unconsciously driven on an animalistic level to fix this psychological problem.
    When an addiction is present this is almost always a ‘righting reflex’, meaning they are desperate to compensate for a significant deficit in their life.
    Again this doesn’t excuse the behaviour on any level but if we are actually concerned about true and effective restoration, I would think some of these points could be revised. At least the question should be asked what is this addiction compensating for? If it is intense feelings of inadequacy, poor self worth, guilt and shame, many of the points in this article will make the situation much worse. Increased guilt and feelings of inadequacy WILL result in increased chance of exacerbating the addiction.

    I understand partners will be angry, they have right to be, this is the equivalency of infidelity. It will be a horrible and heart wrenching experience for anyone to go through. But again, for true restoration, there is often more going on below the surface then you realise.

    This comment isn’t trying to side with porn users, this is an abhorrent behaviour. This comment is also not suggesting spouses who have been hurt by their partners addiction should suppress their emotions in order to prevent their partner from feeling further guilt in fear this may worsen the problem. What I am urging is that understanding goes a little further to uncover everything that is hidden. When you remove a weed you don’t just cut off the parts poking out of the ground, you dig deep below the surface, you go to the root of the problem. Don’t rely on grabby online articles. Seek professional help.

Thanks, you're signed up!


Please make sure you do these two things so you get your emails:

1. Add [email protected] to your address book
2. Mark your 1st email from us as NOT SPAM


PS. If you don't get your 1st email in the next 5 minutes check your spam folder.
Find out how you can make sure our emails get to your inbox here. ×

Thanks, you're signed up!


Thanks for registering for the 30 Day Challenge!

We will be sending you an email shortly.

Please make sure you do these two things so you get your emails:

1. Add [email protected] to your address book
2. Mark your email from us as NOT SPAM


PS. If you don't get your email in the next few hours check your spam folder.
Find out how you can make sure our emails get to your inbox here. ×
You really want to exit? ×
logo XXchurch is a project of Fireproof Ministries a 501(c)(3) nonprofit – EIN 33-0823570 Privacy & Cookies Policy

SAY HELLO

PO Box 50048 Pasadena, CA 91115
626.506.2611
[email protected]

Latest Blog Posts


×