Curiosity killed a cat but it didn’t kill my addiction. After years of struggling I can say it was an addiction. Porn didn’t start out big but small. It soon transformed, as quick as technology advance at the same speed did my viewing of hardcore porn. In order to see the hole you dug you have to look back.
As a normal teenager I was interested in sex but not porn…yet. I masturbated regularly mostly to sales ads. Porn would come up in conversations with other guys and but I do not remember seeing my first porn until after having my first serious girlfriend. She wanted to have sex and I didn’t. I was enticed to do things sexually by watching porn. It wasn’t even a big deal to me and I wasn’t even that interested in it (Porn). That door opened me up to so much more. Porn started to consume me. I would turn to porn rather than sex thinking that was the lesser of the two evils. Part of me wonders if I made the right choice.
Later down the road I met the love of my life. My soon to be wife and I enjoyed the sexual nature of our relationship, we also enjoyed watching porn and looking at stuff online too. It was no big deal and I just thought my woman was awesome. Down the road she realized how much of a problem this truly was and said we needed to stop. She didn’t have much of a problem stopping, I did. It was like she told a roller coaster to stop half way down the first drop. I was gone with no brakes. What we once enjoyed together turned into something I would hide.
I hid this growing beast from my wife, once every while being caught. Soon I would notice as a newlywed in college I would pretend to do homework in order to look at porn, one time she walked in on me. She told me she couldn’t do this anymore and I needed help. Six months into marriage and I found myself going to counseling saying I had a problem with porn. It was a start but not the end.
An addiction to porn is not turned off like a light switch. It took time and can still be a temptation. I have my wife to thank for dealing with me and showing me grace as I battled this problem. Through the years there were times I did slip up, but I have a loving wife who cares for me and has given me grace. Every computer I am on and now every phone or mobile device has xxx software on it. I have accountability partners to help me with my problem. Temptation can be there but I have blockers to help me. Who is in your life that is keeping you accountable? If an addiction has lasted a couple of years, there are going to be times we can falter and it can take the same amount of time to get out of it. Take the first step towards freedom. Get accountable.
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