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How Do I Tell My Wife I Cheated?

by Joel L. on July 6th, 2013 in Men

how-do-I-tell-my-wife-I-cheated blogpostAdmitting your wrong is never easy. I was in the basement of my house in tears knowing that despite my desire I fell into looking at porn again. I had the accountability software and accountability from my wife, I still fell. I was at a loss for words, but I had to let my wife know I fell to my temptation.

There was a loop in the software I could use and I went for it. I tried it out and thought it worked great. Back to my element sat in my head as I looked at porn knowing what I was doing was wrong and not what I was trying for. I made a mistake the accountability software I had was still working. First I was disappointed it didn’t work because I wanted to sin, I wanted this. It turned to tears as I disobeyed my wife and our marriage. How do I tell my wife I disobeyed my vow to her and let her know?

There is no easy way to say I cheated on you. No flowers, apologies or chocolates can ease the pain that you cheated. You just have to own up to it. I had to admit I was in the wrong. Still in tears, I called my wife. She answered and I had trouble coming up with the words to say. The words were like a dagger in my mouth. I didn’t speak for a while. She thought something was wrong with our daughter before I said that I looked at porn and cheated on her. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. Admitting I cheated is not easy.

You can only fix what is broke. Nobody is perfect, everyone will slip up from time to time. This doesn’t mean you are an awful person, it just means you are human. My wife was understanding and reminded me that there will be times that I fall and struggle with this. She showed me more grace then I deserve. If you haven’t told your wife you have cheated then you can’t move forward in your life. You will be stuck like glue at the same spot.

Telling your wife is not easy, but it’s the easiest way to go to getting the help you need.



  • Me

    I think its wrong for you to call porn cheating. I agree porn is wrong and personally don’t look at porn but I think that calling it cheating is a standard we cant live up to and it brings upon condemnation which is not of christ. If you are calling porn cheating then every time you look at a woman and your mind wanders in a area it sholdnt then you are cheating too and should confess to your wife. Either i have misunderstood this or you are preaching legalism here.

    • Corvus Suri

      I think he is devaluing the term. If looking at porn is ‘cheating,’ what do you call actually cheating with another woman? All sins are not equal in magnitude.

      • Mudangel

        Websters dictionary – cheat : b : to violate rules dishonestly. You violate the rules of marriage when you look at porn. Most vows say “forsaking all others” This is the expectation you gave her when you married her. you have not forsaken all others when you go to other women for sexual release whether they are in a picture or in person makes no difference. It is the same heart desire for someone else. Sin is always a heart issue, not a physical issue.

      • Real People

        Really “all sins are not equal in magnitude”. And you base your ranking of sin on what?

        Doing that only seems to make people feel better as they then try hard to not commit the big ones on the list so they feel like they are doing better than other people. Problem is any sin is a failing grade, there is no grading on the curve. For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

        At the foot of the cross there is a level place, one where all sins are equal, none are greater or lesser. Take all your sin there and deal with them.

        By the way if you watch porn to have a orgasm (which is the point), then you are cheating on your spouse….

    • One

      It is cheating. Do not forget that Jesus said, “You have heard that it has been said do not commit adultry; but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

      • Aaron

        Looking at women with lust is an animal instinct that is part of the genetic structure. Without lust procreation would be next to impossible. That passage of committing adultery in your heart has lead to sexual oppression and fear that backlash in the baby boomer generation.

        • Mudangel

          We are not animals, we are humans. We have a choice in how we see people, use people and use our bodies. Ask the men that have been freed of lust, ask my husband! They are so much happier than when they were in bondage to never ending thirst that was never quenched. Wouldn’t life be happier if you could live without that frustration all the time? All I know is every man I know that has been through this is glad it is behind them and they are finally happy. That says a lot.

          • Bitch Nigga

            No man has ever been freed of lust. We are all basic animals and no matter how much we deny it and hide it eventually this aspect of humanity is revealed.

          • Mudangel

            For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world. (1 John 2:16 NIV)

            We all have flesh that desires things that are bad for us, everything from junk food to drugs and even lust. But we also have a spirit that most people never bother to care for. That is what separates us from the animals. Our spirits need nourishment and care. Sin, lust, and hatred poison the spirit and leave us in pain.
            You do not believe because you do not see. Men ARE healed from lust. (the stealing of sex) and free to enjoy their wives completely. Their spirits are healed and the feel joy again.

          • Bitch Nigga

            You cannot heal yourself from your own instincts. Lust is natural and was necessary to keep our species alive. It isn’t anymore, obviously. Maybe you are right. We should deny our lust so we will procreate less and less babies will be born and lower the population. Would help the Earth and allow it to relax and regenerate. Still, Lying and forcing your true self is not a good way to live.

          • Mudangrl

            May I ask how masturbating to a computer screen/picture/memory leads to procreation?and sleeping with women who you are not married to is generally not when you want to procreate either. So the question is not if lust is natural, but if it is good and right. Many things are natural that are not good or healthy behaviors. God loves us and wants us to love each other. How can we do that if we are objectifying and using them?

  • Mud angel

    Matt 5:28 Jesus said just that. Lust is adultery, breaking a covenant and stealing what isn’t yours. Jesus was so serious about it he said if you can’t stop it is better to tear your eye out. Christ expects us to take it that seriously. It causes as much pain to your wife and personal destruction to you as the physical act with another woman. That doesn’t mean Christ doesn’t love you or forgive you when you repent. This is a standard that is well within reach but you have to discipline your eyes and mind. It takes work and sacrificed but it is so worth it.

    • Corvus Suri

      You’re misreading the text by working from modern assumptions. A common mistake, but adultery to the Jews of the time was not the same as adultery as we define it today. Jesus was actually not condemning all lust, but only lust for another man’s wife – that is how adultery was defined at the time. Lusting for an unmarried woman was still permitted – lots of ‘good’ characters in the bible did that, with no objection. Samson even slept with a prostitute. If the woman wasn’t married then it wasn’t adultery. The marital status of the man didn’t even factor into the definition.

      • Mudangel

        Sorry but You are trying to justify behavior based on bad behavior. The Jews had corrupted the laws to fit their desires at the time and in Matt 5,6&7 he exposed the hypocrisy of the Jewish laws. Yes what he said was extreme which is why they wanted to stone him. And Jesus said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart he wrote you this commandment. But from the beginning of creation, “God made them male and female.” “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” And he said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her, and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.” (Mark 10:5-9, 11, 12 ESV) Jesus spelled it out clearly here. Both were considered adulterors the man and the woman.
        And the “good” guys of the bible were all skrew ups who were there to show God’s power. It was their faith not their works that God praised. Their sins were told to show their humanity not to justify sin.

        • Corvus Suri

          I’m going to have to research this further. There does appear to be a conflict within the bible on this matter, but it may just be a translation issue.

          • Mud angel

            The point is that Jesus came to change Jewish laws and customs not uphold them. The Pharisees became corrupt creating loopholes to justify sin. “I can cheat on you, but if you cheat on me ill have you stoned” How selfish is that? Jesus came to expose them and return to God’s plan. Which is to be pure and live in love. That is why they hated him. They had twisted things to their advantage and Jesus was destroying it.

  • Lockern

    i still feel like an awful person

    • Bitch Nigga

      And you should for posting on this site.

  • Somebody

    There is a story in the Hindu epic poem called the Srimad Bhagavatam. It plays out with two characters: Shiva the god of destruction who is part of the Hindu Trimurti and Mohini Murti an incarnation of Vishnu the god of preservation and another member of the Trimurti. In short, though married, Shiva is enamored by the beauty of Mohini and pursues her with the intent to have intercourse. Shiva can never catch her but instead instead ends up spilling his seed on the ground. After this failure Shiva comes to realize his delusion and returns to his wife.

    Murti in Sanskrit means picture. Shiva who is sometimes worshipped as a phallus in Hindu temples. This story represents the struggle males have inherently with base reactions to the image of the “fertile” female form. Males are wired to respond to “hormonal markers” that drive a desire to execute so to speak. These behaviors are nothing new to man and the pursuit of purity and control is a struggle for the ages.

    Understanding the machinery and compulsions inherent within is important to overcoming a sexual addiction. Wallowing in mental guilt or shame isn’t usually productive. Accountability is important but I don’t necessarily agree with rash openness that is harmful to loved ones or yourself. Calm realization of your state and pursuing a moral path with trusted advisors is advised.

  • A Wife

    Have you asked your wife if she feels like you cheated? I will tell you with absolute certainty her answer will be yes.

  • Aaron Mc

    Let me speak from my own perspective. I beat a porn addiction that I had for 12 years of my life, and at one point my wife almost walked out on me for looking at porn. I don’t care if I believe it’s cheating or not, because it doesn’t matter. But what did my wife think? Isn’t that what matters in that scenario? If I said “I wasn’t cheating” it wouldn’t have changed a damn thing.

    I don’t care if it’s cheating, and we can all quote scripture and manipulate it to support our argument. If you’re on this website, you obviously know looking at porn is wrong, and if you’re looking at porn, knock it off and get some help rather than just sitting in front of a computer arguing if it’s cheating or not. That’s what I did by the grace of God. And if I can do it after being addicted from 12-24 years old, ANYONE can do it. So just do it.

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