Insecurity: Subject to fears, doubts; not self-confident or assured… uneasy, anxious. Exposed or liable to risk, loss or danger. Not firmly or reliably placed or fastened. 1
For the Christian porn addict, insecurity is a relentless hound that never stops tracking him.
He lives in constant fear that someone might see him, or discover the tracks he has so carefully covered. His wife, kids, or employer must not discover his secret life; to do so would be to blow his reputation as “the good Christian.”
Porn’s diminishing returns pushes him ever forward to something “newer, more powerful, exciting”… and risky. This heightens his anxiety to avoid getting caught at all costs.
Men who live this way are stressed out wrecks, prone to snap at the littlest irritant; like a child asking for a glass of milk, or a spouse who needs to talk about their hard day. Such men get sick easier, and may let some things go, such as their diet, exercise, or taking time to have fun with loved ones. Some work harder than ever to polish their Christian mask to keep up the illusion that all is well, and throw themselves into ministry.
I know all of this because I lived it; I was a mess when I was a slave to porn. I lost my temper easily, especially at my wife. Criticism, even if it was something I needed to hear, was deflected quickly. My insecurity-driven pride was on overdrive, and I did everything I could to “look humble” to avoid getting called to account for my actions.
I got sick a lot. It seemed like I was running to the doctor every three months for another flu-like disease. Stress wears down our immune system; in my nervous, hyper-vigilant state, it’s no wonder my body was constantly breaking down.
Then there was my relationship with the Lord. Most of my prayers were “God forgive me help me fix me cleanse me… me me me.” There was no peace in my walk with Him; I rarely went away feeling like I’d been forgiven after one of my groveling prayer-binges. I couldn’t rest in Him because I knew my Christian walk was a sham.
I wasn’t the only one with profound insecurity issues.
Most women don’t know that the man they married is a porn addict, and it rocks their world when the truth comes out.
Marriage is supposed to be a safe place where a woman can be secure in the fact that her husband loves her above all others. Introducing porn into my marriage was like hitting a computer with the stuxnet virus. The damage is severe and takes years to reverse.
The doubts and insecurities of a porn-infected marriage haunt a woman mercilessly.
“How can I measure up against the “perfect illusion” that my husband has been masturbating to?” (Let’s call it like it is, we have a church full of men who are having sex with themselves while they look at pictures of naked women.) “What is so wrong with me that I my husband would repeatedly do such a thing? How can I fix who I am so he loves me again?“
In the wife’s case, the pain of rejection, fear, and anger are all entwined in an emotional mass of confusion. All of this must be unwound for her to find healing.
Fortunately, God provides us with answers.
First, the man must commit wholeheartedly to a permanent divorce with porn. This doesn’t mean he won’t get hit with temptation, but that he’ll do whatever it takes to break free, whether it means support groups, counseling, recovery books, or phone calls to an accountability partner.
Second, he must get to know who God is. Understanding the God of grace and forgiveness will go a long way towards erasing his fears and doubts.
When you were dead in your transgressions and the uncircumcision of your flesh, He made you alive together with Him, having forgiven us all our transgressions, having canceled out the certificate of debt consisting of decrees against us, which was hostile to us; and He has taken it out of the way, having nailed it to the cross.
Colossians 2:13-14
After a man has spent years soaking his heart with shame, fear, and doubt, receiving the love and forgiveness of God can be a struggle.
But when the Lord says all our sins are forgiven, He means all. The slate is wiped clean. There is no need for shame or self-condemnation; you can release all of the fear and worry. There is peace with God.
Another benefit of divorcing lust is that the need to keep up the act of the “good Christian” is eliminated. No more lies, hiding, anxiety about getting caught, or worrying about what someone will think “if they know.” It’s good to be free.
When a man takes decisive action, his self-esteem begins to rebuild. Confidence returns (for some, it may be for the first time in their life). He takes up his God-given position of spiritual leader of the home and becomes the man God has meant him to be.
Last but never least, the husband must go overboard in loving his wife like God commanded him to in Ephesians 5… as “Christ loved the church”… and “gave himself up for her.” There is no relationship on earth for a married man that the Lord gives more prominence than that with his wife. The call to love our wives must come over everything else; work, ministry, sports, iphones, or hobbies.
Her fears and doubts will heal only as you show her by your actions that you’re serious about loving her like God commands you to. Talk means little; we have to show them by divorcing lust, being committed to total honesty (both of which rebuild trust), dating them, treating them with 1st Corinthians patience and kindness, and having fun with them again. In the process of doing these things you’ll rediscover that she truly is your best friend.
Mike Genung struggled with sexual addiction for 20 years before God set him free in 1999. He is the founder of Blazing Grace, and the author of The Road to Grace; Finding True Freedom from the Bondage of Sexual Addiction, available at www.roadtograce.net.
1. Insecure. (n.d.). Dictionary.com Unabridged. Retrieved April 04, 2012, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/insecure