Two days ago on this blog I shared part of my story, how I started surfing for porn on my work computer and couldn’t stop. My boss gave me an ultimatum. My wife gave me an ultimatum. I gave myself an ultimatum. But I still fell back into my pornography habit.
Then I asked a series of questions. What do you think happened? What would you do? How did this story work out?
We had some good interaction in the comment section. Thank you for that!
HERE’S WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
I decided to hide my slips on the computer from my boss and from my wife. When I was asked how I was doing (which was rare) I lied. I said that I wasn’t having problems. When my wife would probe, I would deflect the question and talk about something else.
I felt it was in the best interest of myself, my family, my church, and my denomination to hide, lie and cover up. I decided to adopt the strategy of trying to deal with the problem myself.
Honestly, I believed I was only one serious commitment away from getting victory over porn. I also started to tell myself that as soon as I got a couple of months under my belt of no porn, then I would tell someone. Unfortunately, this time never came. I continued to struggle, wipe the history and cover-up.
I was relieved when another job opportunity opened up. I took it, and had my last day at the denominational office. I had won. I was done with that job. I could sweep it under the rug and move on.
What I didn’t anticipate was the day when they had a computer expert come in to clean the computer, and he found all of the bad sites I had searched for.
My denominational leader called me to his office and told me what they had found. I was caught. I was exposed. I was no longer able to hide.
I ended up losing my pastoral job, was asked to leave the ministry and our new church plan, and told that I should go get the help I needed elsewhere. My family and I moved from the Northeast to Raleigh, North Carolina and almost lost our marriage.
PROBLEMS WITH COVER-UP AND HIDING
Covering up compounded my problems. I thought covering up my sin was for the greater good. It actually made things worse. The problem was not that I had looked at porn at work. My boss and my wife were more hurt by the lying and the cover up.
Covering up damaged my wife. My wife was extremely hurt. Not only did she have to leave her work, her church, and the area she loved, but now she had a husband whom she didn’t trust. What else was he covering up? If he could fool me and others, then what was real? Was our marriage a mistake?
Covering up hurt my relationship with God. I didn’t realize until after that my intimacy with God was damaged. I had turned away from Him. I pushed away my guilty feelings. I avoided anyone or anything that might convict me of my sins.
My cover-up was driven by fears (both real and imagined).
I was afraid of losing my job and losing my ministry. Those were real fears, and they really happened.
I thought if I confessed I would lose my wife and my family. That did not happened but could have.
I thought if I came clean my life would be over. I would be a statistic. Imagined. A lie from the devil.
I thought if I shared my struggle I would lose my friends. No one would care for me anymore. Imagined. A lie from the devil.
Covering up led me into deeper deception. I didn’t realize I was being deceived. I was being led by lies. I was under the control of my fleshly lusts. I began to think that God was OK with my behaviors. Lightening wasn’t striking me. I was getting away with it, so it must not be such a big deal. This is the deceptive heart talked about in Jeremiah 17:9.
LEAVE A COMMENT
I look forward to interacting with you in the comment section.
Q: What are your thoughts about cover-up?
Q: What is keeping you from coming clean?
Q: What are your fears?