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30 DAY PORN FREE CHALLENGE

30 DAYS OF ADVICE TO HELP YOU STAY PORN FREE

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Porn Changed How I Looked at Women

by Jason Baird on May 31st, 2012 in Men

It is amazing how being captured and bound to anonymous moments of imitated pleasure can radically alter so many components of my life.

As a minister I hold fast to the view that while man and women are very different in outlook, characteristics, roles and personality we are all equal in the eyes of our creator and as such we should treat each one the same.  A high ideal that we all strive to achieve yet so many pre programmed social and cultural norms limit our ability to actually act this out. 

One element of my life that was changing during my stolen moments of dark pleasure in front of the computer screen was my ability to see women as they were made to be.  My mind stopped thinking of the flesh in front of me as a person but an instrument of sexual pleasure and that it was her joy to do so, she was not a person, (I argued this point to I was blue in the face to prove to my wife that I did not want these women in ‘real life’), she was not a daughter, mother, or sister.  She did not have dreams and hopes or a life outside of what was happening on the screen.  Over the course of 20 years my view of women was being distorted by what I allowed myself to see and think.

I could no longer hold a descent conversation with any women, not just because I was thinking sexual thoughts but because I had trained myself to only deal with them in a sexual manner.  I still find it difficult to hold a conversation with any women even when it is called for and no sexual ‘thoughts’ on my behalf are present.  On a more dangerous level was my ability to subconsciously dismiss any female that did not fit the ideal image presented in the porn websites, I wouldn’t even try to connect.  You can see that this presents as a real issue for a minister of the Good News of a God that loves us all.

We think we love ‘women’ and the fact that they turn us on through pornography proves it.  I have found that this only proves how much we have departed from the view God has for His great creation, in fact I would go so far to say that the addiction to pornography has actually caused me to despise women, to distance myself from real women and broken an ability in me to connect in a non sexual way with women.  I am the worse for it, I am not able to be a full minister because of it.

You know your view of women is broken when you are masturbating to an image of hurt and broken girl doing things that only excite you and never causes your heart to consider their desperate need for someone to save them, from who you ask? From the one on the other end of the screen, ME, the sad fact is that there are ministries out there trying to save these girls from people like me. If I am to be a great minister of Christ I need to step up, own up and get help from this destructive addiction.

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  • Mickeylax_07

    Thank you so much for this blog entry. I am trapped in this addiction, and this post just helped me realize how I have been dehumanizing women in my life. It is affecting me greater than I know, and I am/have been ready to stop this. Thank you for providing an insight into what this sin really is.

  • Dannye812

    This is a really good post. I have personally been dealing with this addiction for probably over 20 years. I have totally messed myself up emotionally and sexually. I am married to a wonderful woman she’s kind,smart,funny,sweet and pretty. But I can’t let this stuff go. Sometimes I’m not sure I want to even. I also know that’ it’s destroying my marriage. I still continue to do it,I don’t know why.

    • Mike0127

       Danny, you sound like me. Thanks for your frankness – it’s comforting that others have the same problems. I’m also married, three small kids, I can’t let porn go, and at some level I know I don’t want to. I think the reason is basically not so much love of porn, but total love of self – I don’t want to cause myself any discomfort at all. I think eventually we have to really take Jesus at His word, that we DIE to ourselves for love of HIM. That’s the WAY and the DESTINATION – I’ve hoped for special tricks or techniques to make my escape easier, but I think in the end we just have to bite the bullet and EMBRACE the CROSS. I pray that you, I and all the people here can do that. God bless.

      • Toddcrevier

        I think a big problem we face as christians is we try to spiritualize eyerything. It wasnt until i took a very real, pargmatic and non-spiritual look at my addiction problem that my anger and war against my addiction began. I am now sober for 271 days from my porn and masturbation addiction. Honestly i never thought i would make it past 6 weeks (my previous high record).

        Dont get me wrong this is a very real spiritual battle that we all face. The problem is that when we only think about this addiction in spiritual terms it becomes too subjective and seperate from the reality of what this addiction is doing to you and the people u love.

        Lets face it, if someone in public looks at ur wife or daughter and fanticizes about them and u never know; that is that mans spiritual issue and u nevet know. But if yr wife or daughter were kidnapped and forced into sexual slavery you would find them and probably kill them people responsible.

        Your consumtion of even “free” porn makes this a reality for someone somewhere in the world every minute of everyday. This fact should anger u so deeply that porn really starts to piss u off.

        Stop spiritualizing ur addiction, look at the reality of what it is doing to ur life and those people that porn abuses every second of every day. Then get sober.

        • Raincloud

          great point about over spiritualizing it.
          “The problem is that when we only think about this addiction in spiritual terms it becomes too subjective and seperate from the reality of what this addiction is doing to you and the people u love.”

          So how did you do it? Since you mentioned looking at it practically, do you have any practical tips you can share?

  • BloggoPhil

    A few thoughts…

    ” so many pre programmed social and cultural norms limit our ability to actually act this out. ” — treating women equally has been the vogue in society for over 30 years I thought.

    “Seeing women as they were made to be”  –And God brought the (nude beautiful) female to Adam….and Adam said, “Whoa, man!” Men have been sexually/visually driven ever since.

    Girls who let themselves be filmed for whatever erotic or semi-erotic purpose have their own reasons for doing so. Some are in it for the money, some for the fun. Most women truly enjoy being desired by males, and thought of as desirable. It gives them a sexual thrill. So, to an extent there is an enjoyment for them, and for some, it can be unpleasant. Be discerning. 

    “I could no longer hold a decent conversation with any women” I found this portion to be confusing, unbelievable and somewhat contradictory to the idea that porn caused him to see women as less than himself as servants rather than persons. I take his word for it. 

    “Hurt and broken girls”?… or are they sexually liberated and enjoying themselves? Some have histories of abuse; so do women in other fields. If they want to be “saved”, all they need to do is go do something else instead.

    Score for blog:

    Transparency: A
    Call to Action: A
    Solution: “get help from this destructive addiction”  No score available; subjective.

    • Caleb_miller1

      Dude you’re not helping. You’re being counter-productive. Yes, sex is a good thing, and yes, nudity is a good thing, but only in the right context. It, like anything else, can be abused.

      Since you’re one for presenting both sides of the argument, here are my responses to yours.

      God did not make women to be, willingly or unwillingly, identified as objects of pleasure. Such a claim is utterly devoid of logic and morality, and intentionally or not, that’s what you’re implying here.

      Are you really not going to draw a distinction between temporary pleasure and actual joy? Be discerning yourself.

      Define sexually liberated. Does it mean reducing yourself to an object in the eyes of those who use their services? The term sexual liberation is extremely misleading because “sexual” has different meanings. True sexual liberation means respect for oneself and their sex and utter refusal to reduce themselves to objects and throw their body around like it’s a ragdoll. These women are decieved. They do it because they either don’t know any better or becuase there is some void in their life that they’re trying to fill, the same reasons guys sin sexually.

      I don’t know what point you’re trying to make here but it’s certainly not helpful, especially to the people on this site and others like myself who have been deep in the abyss of addiction for years. You need to think about the implications and consequences of your words.

      • BloggoPhil

        This forum invites everyone to interact, whether Christian or not. (The rules are posted on the Prayer Wall under General Discussions.) The only requirement is that we be courteous. I was simply giving my review of the blog. If you disagree with me, that’s fine. In response to your comments:
        ———————————————–
        “the right context” for the “good thing” of “nudity”…is….. what in your opinion?  (Let me guess: you and your one lawful wife.)”God did not make women to be… objects of pleasure”  I agree. Women should be highly respected since they bear our children and put up with us men. They were made to be our companions, loved and cherished. But, they were also made to give men pleasure, sexually and visually. I think the Bible is pretty clear on that. I think a lot of women enjoy that role; that’s why they like to get “dolled up”.Sexually liberated means that women are not the property of their fathers and husbands as they were in ancient Middle East families, whether during Biblical times or today. It means that if a woman wants to pose in the nude, that’s her business, and not for us to condemn, or to accuse them of being deceived, disrespecting themselves or trying to fill a void.My point is that though I thought the blog post had its good points, I didn’t feel like it succeeded to demonstrate why porn use is wrong, specifically, how there is any “cause and effect” connection between “looking at porn” and “looking at women negatively.” I understand the connection between the two for a young man who is sexually inexperienced, not for older men who are accustomed to women’s appearance and sexual lives. Most women that one meets aren’t particularly sexually atractive in my opinion, but those that are, can be viewed as just that, sexually attractive to *you*. It doesn’t mean you start slobbering over them, or stop being polite, courteous or kind to them. I don’t see how it affects the way I interact with women. If a man is consumed with guilt over masturbation or looking at porn, then yes, he might have problems interacting with women.  Personally, I think when a guy is not bound up with shyness, sexual ignorance and apprehension, not to mention unquenched sexual urges, then he is MORE able to interact with females as a normal human being, rather than trying to sneak peaks down their shirts or imagining having sex with them.  

    • Toddcrevier

      BloggoPhil –

      Please find and read the small book called “Porn-again Christian” when you are done reading the chapter on the sex trade and sex slaves. Then reconsider your opinion on how many woman enjoy the industry. The porn industry is responsible for destroying millions of peoples lives and nothing else.

      • BloggoPhil

        I’ve read most of it. It has SOME good info, and a lot of nonsense as well. Suggesting that the porn industry is a type of or category of sex trafficking is just nonsense. Trafficking involves forced labor or coercion. I suspect that VERY little porn available in the US involves trafficked women. Porn usage doesn’t create a demand for trafficked women either. There is no cause and effect connection that can be documented or explained as far as I can tell. I realize that there is some porn content that includes what we think of as abusive to men or women. Don’t watch it. 

        If a person thinks that the commercial porn industry involves trafficking, then they should view amateur and homemade stuff instead, or simple erotic photgraphy… it is sufficient to the task. As far as I know, people have to sign contracts in order to work in porn; it doesn’t just happen to them, so it seems inaccurate to say “its destroying millions of lives” and “nothing else.” Unfounded hyperbole. Documentation or some sound reasoning are far more convincing.

        • Raincloud

          “There ARE women and children who are sold or captured into slavery, which might include sex.”
          That is a huge understatement. The majority of slavery today IS sex slavery, why, because it is the most profitable form of slavery, and the people that are involved in the heinous practice of human trafficking are looking for the highest payout to risk ratio.

          International sex trafficking makes more money world wide than the all illicit drugs sales combined.
          Why? Because while drugs (a kilo of cocaine for example) can only be sold once and then consumed, a sex slave is CONTINUALLY being ‘sold’, and therefore provides both immediate and long term profit for these horrible criminals.

          If all of this seems strange to you, look up ‘sex tourism’ on google. I first heard about it in 2008 from a man sitting next to me on a flight to Costa Rica.

          “Oh yeah I come down here every year for vacation. It’s great because there are no laws against prostitution, and sometimes you can even get young girls too”

          He then went on to tell me that he spends upwards of 10k during his week just on this(a lot more than your recreational drug user)

          I thought for a few minutes about following him off of the plane and beating the crap out of him (or at least reporting him to the cops), but I was held back in immigration and lost sight of him.
          (It was a miracle enough that I was able to keep a calm composure as he shared these things with me)

          Oh, and you asked for documentation that it destroys millions of lives?

          The UN estimates that there are at least 4 million undocumented (the guys who are not caught) cases of human trafficking every year worldwide.

          • I’ve read on this subject a LOT and I believe the numbers are ginned up. Sex trafficking does occur as well as varying degrees of abuse. It might be the majority portion of slavery worldwide, but certainly not in the States. You offered to give me “documentation” and then gave me “estimates” of those “who are not caught”, a number as I recall that has been arbitrarily reduced a couple times since it was first proposed. The guy on the plane shouldn’t have sex with unwilling girls or those too young to give consent. It sounds like he was having legal sex with prostitutes. Would it make you feel better if you knew that fathers in the Bible gave their daughters away to older men at age 12 years plus 1 day?

      • BloggoPhil

        I’m reading through Driscoll’s Porn Again, again. I should probably write a detailed rebuttal of it since it’s based upon SO many false interpretations of Bible passages. The portion about sex trafficking and prostitution is what it is. There ARE women and children who are sold or captured into slavery, which might include sex. The Bible deals with this and regulates the way they should be treated. ( Exod.21:7-11; Deut.21:10-14) Obviously, they shouldn’t be pimped out to other men for pay. If women want to prostitute themselves or pose for porn, that’s their business and the Bible never speaks against them or their customers. (Judges 16:1; 1 Kings 3:16)

  • Alte Frauen

    Ofcourse it changed, I believe you didn’t know how they look without their cloathes on 🙂

  • This is very true, I am a seminary student! I have a great conviction to live according to the Word of God. But Temptation can be very harmful. Sometimes I also get trapped in messed up understanding…

  • Raincloud

    great insigth Jason. I too have had that very same ‘argument’ with my fiancee. “No I dont want them, they are not even people to me in those moments”. It’s very hard for her to see how this doesn’t in turn apply to her as well. The scary part is – sometimes it does -and I catch myself looking at her body and not at her.
    Porn addiction is scary, and the aftermath is never easy to deal with
    🙁

    Your prayers are appreciated.
    Blessings
    Rain

    • “not looking at her”…. how do you do that without looking at her body.. just wondrin’

      but i do know what you mean, if you’re talking about transferring your feelings during porn to sex with your wife. Just snap out of it and remember this is a duet not a solo.

      ————- Bad Joke Break ————————-
      Chief Eagle Feather at country convenience store puts up his hand and says: “Some!”
      Greets next customer: “Some!”
      Finally, a customer asked him “Aren’t you supposed to say “How” if you’re an Indian”?
      Chief: “Me know how, me want some”.

      (boo, hiss)

  • Damon Danner

    one slip in about a year…saw Jeff Bethke one day and it was revealed to my core of a person what I was doing. Only Christ could’ve done this…my whole way of seeing women has changed. Every relationship is a GIFT. Treat EVERYONE as a son or daughter of the KING! There is a reverance and awe that only belongs to God. Don’t worship the sitsters…love them RIGHTLY.

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