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The Secret To Finding Real Freedom

by Paul R. on July 4th, 2017 in Favorites, Men, Women, Students

real-freedomAll of us who have had a porn addiction have at one time or another asked the question, “How do I go about finding real freedom from this crap?”

If you’re like me, you thought the answer to finding real freedom was in reading your Bible more or praying louder and more frequently. Making sure you had five quiet times a day or turning off your phone. Reaching out to someone when you feel tempted and confessing to your best friend every time you looked at porn.

Perhaps these things worked for you for a while but then they didn’t and you got so depressed from all the shame and guilt, that you reconciled yourself to the fact that this was just the way it was going to be for you; for the rest of your life.

I’m going to let you in on the secret to finally finding real freedom from your porn addiction once and for all: There is no secret.

I’m sorry if that disappoints you, but here is why it shouldn’t.

It means you can stop working for something that you will never find and start working toward real freedom.

I tried everything, but it wasn’t until the realization that nothing was really working fully that I decided I needed to let go of control.

When it comes to finding freedom from something like addiction, we are often so desperate that we just want someone to tell us the one thing that if we truly do it and don’t give up, we will be able to stop.

But none of those things on their own is enough, and if left to us, we are not likely to keep up with them, as good and useful as they may be.

What I needed was a truly holistic approach. One where I was getting deeper than simply controlling the behavior.

At the height of my addiction, I was trying the same things over and over hoping that one day they would just click if I just got my theology correct or if I was just more honest with my accountability partner. But my search was for something far more profound than simply perfecting the next tool.

I was searching for feeling something. Anything. Something that would allow me to feel connected to other people and to myself in a way that meant I didn’t have to pretend anymore. I needed to get into the depths of myself and uncover what I was trying to “fix.”

The truth is that finding real freedom does require some work and a lot of steps. There are many great ways to start such as accountability, filters, and setting up boundaries but ultimately those are just part of a bigger picture that involves being able to understand why we believe we need porn to survive. There are deeper wounds and pains we are unconsciously trying to medicate.

We don’t need more control. We need to release control.

We want answers but we’re often unwilling to really ask the questions that matter.

That’s why things like My Pilgrimage are changing the game and providing places where people can come together, not just to confess but also work through who we are at very deep levels.

Where we come and say, “I’ve tried this for years and it hasn’t worked. Why is that?”

Where we sit down and decide that our pain is not something to hide but something that can be our teacher if we let it.

Where we declare “I’m willing to change everything I think about what freedom looks like and how to find it”

Where we admit our beliefs have abandoned us.

Where shame is left at the door.

And maybe, where we’ll truly be surprised about what we’ll find.



  • Rick Elliott

    I can relate to everything you said, Paul. I have tried everything in this 40 year battle with addiction to porn and have reached that place of thinking I will always be this way and will always feel disconnected and not good enough for the God I so desperately want to be close to. I pray that My Pilgrimage will be used by Him to set a great many men free from the shame, pain, and regret holding them captive. As for me, the price tag is too steep and so I will continue to search and draw inspiration from the other resources here.

  • Bryan

    Paul,I think it is hard to do it…I already fight my porn addiction for almost 2 years..and it seems like it work…but still,I sometimes get to porn addiction again…it is hard Paul.. I can only fight my addiction for over 5 months or a weeks…
    I will give myself another try maybe…

  • m11nine

    If men are properly fed by wives, the visual stuff is far less of an issue. Be his “be all-end all”. Act like you like it ladies, don’t just submit to it.

    A focus on men is fine even if over-done, but concern articles should hit on women’s issues once in a while. Women’s destructive porn includes HGTV, Pinterest, Fireproof (Yes, really. Horrible wife is blameless, husband shamed into submission to her). Not to mention outright divorce-porn like Bridges of Madison County, Eat Pray Love, etc.

    • Shel

      You have serious issues that extend way beyond any porn addiction . I hope you do not have a wife . If so, I feel sorry for her .

    • Ronald Ellis Hale

      The “visual stuff” as you call it should never be an excuse to do anything regardless of how the wife is acting. A husband who has a porn addiction has to realize that his ultimate goal is to be free from the temptation to medicate his pain or whatever problem he has with acting out. That includes problems with his wife because two humans are going to have relational issues. The statement “act like you like it” sounds like something a “madam” might say to her ladies in a house of ill repute. That is not part of a healthy marriage.

      • m11nine

        Obviously exaggerated but women do need to learn from men who are simply better at “lying in the bed they have made”. Women just excuse themselves/each other and initiate 70% of divorces while the church stands by them, like the wife in Fireproof who got her way for a while but will probably blow up her marriage in the sequel. See the Dalrock men’s blog for great discussions of divorce porn.

        The primary problem though is women marrying husbands they are not sexually attracted to. Sex is important to men and when they don’t get it they will release that pressure in unhealthy ways.

        • Ronald Ellis Hale

          None of this is part of a healthy marriage. A Christ follower can have an addiction to porn, but if he truly is a follower of Christ then he must be willing to confess that sin and do all he can to stop it. If all you do is blame each other for your problems then that will never work. Also you cannot blame problems that you think are going to happen in the future for your acting out today. If it is available look at the Conquer Series video.

  • Shane Bekker

    Hi Guys, I am not in dreamland when I say this. I don’t go looking for porn, and I haven’t been for more than 6 months. Might not seem like much, except it took me realistically 10 years from when I seriously started to deal with my addiction. I don’t desire porn anymore. What I am doing now is now reading books to obtain a realistic approach on relationships. Like everybody else, I face temptation, but I chose to battle on to conquer and beat the enemy at his own game. I cannot do it without God’s help. The more I draw closer to God the more I desire Him than the porn. Yes, The journey is long, but it is worth the perseverance, the patience, the character development to glorify God.

  • Bob newhart

    hey so…… god doesn’t exist.

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