People who I mentor through the process of overcoming porn often ask me “how did you beat it?”. I’m very honest with people (especially men) and very transparent. I tell them the only real why I began to win was to be honest with my wife. Now there surface honesty, and BRUTAL honesty. I remember being a newlywed, new in ministry as a pastor even and still struggling. We were about a month maybe married, and I felt so very ashamed. I felt like I was cheating on my new bride. I felt like I was cheating on my faith. I had to have what I deem in my mind still to this day “the conversation”. We went to the beach, sat at the end of the pier, and I just began opening up. She knew I had struggled in the past, yet was unaware of the current situation. I wasn’t sure of what I was looking for from her, all I know is everything I believed God said about marriage was being compromised through a 56k modem, and fuzzy computer screen and I wanted out. I didn’t know if she’d leave me, hate me, despise me. All I knew was that I HAD to tell her, I had to take that chance. I hoped she would see by me being honest with her, she would know I hated this sin, and wanted no part. That I desperately wanted our marriage bed to be pure and clean, not filled with dirty images of other women, and inability on my part to separate fantasy from reality. I wanted her to know that me not performing properly was NOT her fault, it was her beauty had no room in my mind because it was filled with filth. I prayed that by me opening up to her, it would crack a hole in my head an all the images, visuals would flood out, and I could start all over. Fresh, clean, and pure.
As I spilled my heart through regret, and pain I remember looking into her eyes filled with tears and her asking me a question that I never wanted to to think again. “Is it I’m not pretty enough?” How dare I? Who the hell do I think I am? Were my first reactions. That couldn’t be more further from the truth. Truth is she’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever laid eyes on. I don’t have her under her real name in my phone, it’s simply “BEAUTIFUL” because she’s the essence of beauty to me. THAT conversation is hard to bring up and share everytime because THAT conversation brings me back to seeing my beautiful wife in absolute pain, caused by me. That is something I never want to happen again. Anytime I’m tempted, or feel like it’s an easy answere. I play THAT conversation in my head. Men honesty and openness is the first step towards getting help. The truth coming out to a loved one (family, spouse, ie.) can be the very thing that catapults you to recovery. Dissappointment can act as a very powerful motivating force. I know for me, it’s the sole driving force to recovery. I now try to do everything in my power to not disappoint my wife, kids, church, or my God. If I never had THAT conversation, I may never have had THAT motivation.