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Is There Such A Thing As Technical Virginity?

by Craig Gross on August 3rd, 2014 in Parents

Is-There-Such-A-Thing-As-Technical-Virginity- copyI waited to have sex until I got married. I grew up in Christian home, went to Christian church, and remember this Christian speaker named Josh McDowell speaking at some youth conference we went to as teenagers. They sold a t-shirt there: “66 Reasons I Am Not Doing It.”

I waited, and I’m glad I did. Thanks, Josh, as well as everyone else in the church and Christian world who sponsored purity events, handed out purity rings, and sold plenty of other bad Christian t-shirts.

Then the day came. I was 22, it was about 3pm on August 29th, my wedding had just ended, and as soon as we got to our hotel, I was finally able to have sex and enjoy this gift. I had no idea what it really was until that day. 

I had heard a lot about sex when I was a kid, but mostly what I heard was how I shouldn’t do it. My parents never talked to me about how great sex was and how it is a very, very good thing; instead I just knew the reasons (66 of them!) that I had to wait. 

In my book for parents, Touchy Subjects, I urge parents to consider, when talking to your kids about sex, letting them know it is good. Sex is not a bad thing, and our kids deserve to know that! (Tweet This!)

I also didn’t grow up around porn. I hardly saw it, mainly because it wasn’t nearly as available then as it is today. But porn is everywhere now, and has become sex ed for today’s youth, because parents tend to be absent in conversations about sex, while search engines and porn sites tell kids all they want to know (and more). And then there are kids, desiring to have the kind of virgin adolescence I did, who turn to porn as a means of maintaining technical virginity while still engaging in sexual behavior. 

So let’s think about a couple of hypothetical high school kids. They’re both seniors. One of them loses their virginity on prom night; the other stays a virgin but has been using porn every now and then since they were a sophomore. 

Now, this is going to be a lot for some of you to take in, but here is my question: 

Which of these two kids is in better shape?

(Yes, the perfect situation is to stay away from both, but come on. Let’s just realize that is going to be extremely rare for most students today.)

For the kid who loses their virginity on prom night: this experience involves two real people. To get this far requires some sort of dialogue and some sort of relationship. It may not be anything more than a casual fling, but the experience they had, while far from God’s design, was still something real.

For the kid who looks at porn: this experience is statistically likely to lead to struggles. They’ll investigate harder and harder material online and indulge in masturbation over and over again. They’ll have a hard drive of images and movie files in their brain and will need more and more to get off each time. By the time this person gets alone with a real person for real sex – maybe even on their wedding night (or afternoon, in my case) – they’ll have no clue or understudying that sex is about two people who have real needs and feelings and emotions.

Yes, this kid survived and is technically a virgin, but I believe they’re going to have a tough time turning off the porn when in marriage.

Yes, the other kid who lost their virginity might have an easier time giving it up again and again prior to marriage, and there are a host of problems and issues that stem from there, so I am not recommending that.

What I am saying is: do you think you are pure? Do you think you survived and made it with your technical virginity in place? (Tweet This!) Did you follow all 66 reasons why not to do it, but still made porn part of your plan? 

I’m saying you’re in trouble. You have set up a pattern that is going to be tough to break and tough to forget.

What do you think?





  • jim

    Couldn’t agree more. I was exposed to porn at age 7. Tried unsuccessfully to stop looking at it over and over my whole life since. It separates me from God and my family. I struggle to pray because my mind is so warped. I hate porn but return to it every time I’m lonely.

    • Crossdive

      Praying for you, bro. It’s super hard to break free from and it can only really happen with God providing the strength and walking alongside you every step of the way. I am really familiar with your struggle not to backslide when loneliness hits. Honestly I was doing great, over a month without an incident, but lately it’s been getting scary hard again and I find myself backsliding a lot, so I get where you are at. You are not alone and you do have a choice. At any given time, in any given situation, you do have a choice. 😉 Choose Life, that you may live and be free.

      • jim

        Thanks. I hide my struggle from my wife because I’m afraid she’ll leave me. Thanks for prayers.

        • Jenn

          As a wife, I need to say it. That’s completely insulting to your wife to continue to hide your behavior. You are robbing her of the chance to make her own decision to stay or go, and once she finds out that you limited her knowledge to control her, that may be harder to forgive than the porn use.

          • IAmThereforeIThink

            As a husband who struggled/struggles with porn, I can say that, from my experience, my wife finding out about me watching porn was probably the most relationship-shaking non-event in our marriage of 36 years (so far, and still going).

            Her comment to me, when she caught me at the computer with a porn site open (about 20 years ago) was, “It’s your problem. You’re going to have to deal with it.”

            In short, much like our physical relationship, I was on my own. She had too many other things on her list of priorities to be bothered by something as incidental as sex. Still does.

            (Meatloaf, “Paradise By the Dashboard Lights”
            Her: Before we go any further, will you love me forever.
            Him (after much waffling): Yes, I’ll love you ’til the end of time.
            Him (after years of marriage): And now I’m prayin’ for the end of time,
            So I can end my time with you.”)

  • Jenn

    Completely agree. My husband and I both married as virgins, but then found out that his porn use had become an addiction that marriage couldn’t fix. We’re still struggling with that.

  • Kara

    Love! We forget that christ said that when we lust/hate/ect in your heart is the same as actually doing what we think. Psychologically, fantasy can be as real to us as our everyday lives. So many people think a lot of their issues will go away when they get married, but time and time again we see it have little to no effect. If you watch porn to get off, you will probably still be doing it while married. like this points out. Its not the same. One is entirely self-centered, the other should be giving of yourself.

    • Alviburd

      You are misquoteing Jesus. The line to which you refer wasn’t about lust in general – the phrasing was very specific. It referred only to looking upon another man’s wife with intent to adultery. You must remember that the culture of the time was very different – marriage was really about property rights.

      • Kara

        I’m not sure what you’re talking about “lust in general.” Jesus clarifies that you can have an adulterous heart without actually committing the sin. It isn’t a far stretch that if its not ok for a married man to lustfully look at a woman without being adulterer,and since sexual immorality before marriage is wrong, than looking lustfully(fantasizing) at someone whether married, single, male or female is not upholding sexual morality. I went back to see if maybe the original language denotes someone intending on acting, but there is no reason to assume that is the case and it doesn’t actually say anything that would implyJesus was specifically talking about a person going to act on his lust. I know marriage was partially about property rights, but nothing about this is speaking about a woman with property or coveting. Its specifically talking about lust and adultery. Eros. Adultery wouldn’t gain a man anything as far as property. Only in marriage would there be a combining of assets. Im not understanding why you believe its a misinterpretation?

  • Thanks for this post. I’m 34 years old and I am a “technical virgin” but I’m also an alum of XXXChurch’s program for women. I was addicted to porn and it totally wrecked my life, and I believe is the reason that kept me unmarried for so long. I’m no longer letting it rob me of what God has planned for me.

    • joining u in praying for the same for you! i appreciate that this post talks about purity. i also wish ppl would take a moment to point to the GRACE of GOD for why they were able to remain virgins until marriage in the first place. we didn’t all have that opportunity. i’m glad God’s grace remains sufficient and super happy for my friends who’ve been able to have this be their story.

  • Mathias Bjorkman

    As much as I don’t want to say it i think the person who lost their virginity on the prom night is in a better shape. “Consuming” Porn screws up your head. The effects of porn usage is long lasting even if you quit. I first looked at porn when I was 12 but I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 23. I grew up without a girlfriend and I really didn’t have any friends so I guess Porn was a coping mechanism. But like i said, it screws up your head to the point that you believe what you see, that its how women act and how men are suppose to be and when life hits you, you are not attracted, you can’t get it up. It doesn’t interest you.

    “Porn is a jealous mistress that don’t want to let you out of her grasp and keep you want to come back for more.”

  • albibird

    I’m going to have to differ here, though not in the obvious way. I think that there is just far too much importance attached to virginity. Many people seem to act as if it is sacred, or magical. But it isn’t – it’s not really important at all. It doesn’t change anything about a person. The virgin issue is getting in the way of having more serious discussions about sex – everyone gets hooked on this symbol, and many can’t seem past it.

  • Melissa

    Yes. Yes … and Yes, Craig. On every level.

  • Robin

    I have 2 family members that are “technical virgins”. They think they’re more pure because they haven’t slept around. I feel sad for them, because I think if a real, “the right one”, woman came along, they wouldn’t recognize her. The fantasy of porn ruins reality. On the other hand, I messed around before marriage. I think I was trying to find love the wrong way, and ended up just hurting myself. I didn’t see it that way until years later. The message you always see everywhere is ” if it makes you feel good, go for it.” But is it really making you happy? I find that sad, too.

  • mattjfried

    Talking to your children, stating that it is a good thing, while remaining on the thought process that it is not something to abuse or even replace with other outlets (such as porn), is essential. My parents split soon after I was born. My mother took the quiet approach, but set STRICT rules about having girls over. My father took the liberal approach, being open about the topic, but encouraging it as well. Both from apparently obvious differing faith based backgrounds, I was a child caught in the middle. It was hard to balance, and I fell into porn…then sex. I was never as promiscuous as friends were, only sleeping with those whom I was in a “relationship” with, but it took its toll. Once I was about halfway through college, I met someone through a friend that ministered to me HARD! I was convicted, and started to change. It has been a gradual process, with many battles along the way, but I am FAR better than I once was, and continue to get better (with the actual physical acts, as well as the mental material engraved in my mind of porn viewing’s past). I would strongly encourage the education, while keeping it honest about the dangers of falling into the desires of this world. Because where I stand could have been a lot easier to get to, but then again, Jesus has a way of guiding me and loving me as I continue to grow as a follower of Christ.

  • Joe

    We all have to remember that Lucifer’s main job is to destroy the family husbands and wife’s, (Gods first institution) and now that pornography is available to even 7 year old’s satan has a stronghold on almost everyone, That’s why I believe that most of this technology is evil (or used for evil), all of this technology these satellites we have above the earth satan is going to use our own technology to enslave the whole world someday soon, he is already using the internet and porn to enslave many, and destroy lives, its always been his motto to rob, kill and destroy and it will never changed. Keep you mind pure and think on good things. It all starts in your mind. Do not let your mind be controlled by pornography or any other sin. You have to get tired of sin and living the same old life of the flesh running your life.

    All that is in the world is the lust of the flesh, lust of the eyes and the pride of life and this is not of GOD. I really believe that when Adam fell in Eden that the flesh took on all the attributes of Satan., that is why the flesh has to go back into the ground and God will give us a new body just like Jesus received when he arose. God bless you all on this site. And remember God grace is more powerful than all our sin.

  • Peta Johnson

    I think there are secular benefits to technical virginity. Male female bonding is cemented by intercourse – particularly where there is no barrier contraceptive present. The sperm have effects on women’s mood and loyalty. Technical virginity denies this bonding and saves it for her husband, with consequent good effects on marriage. It also denies abortion any consideration. The girl engages in comprehensive masturbation of herself and the man she is with that night and nevertheless performs fellatio on a number of men and engages in anal receptive intercourse with numbers of men. Whilst far from ideal, it strengthens the marriage bond that the vagina is not shared and permits a search for a mate in the benighted world we live in. Accordingly; two cheers for technical virginity.

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