‘The road from wholeness to brokenness is always down hill’
The major problem I had was the car I was in had no brakes and was gathering speed and taking roads that plunged me deeper into dark images that would, and should, have repulsed me. As a young Christian I was always surprised at the weak leaders who got caught in such absolute sinful actions. I am so much better than that and I must love God more than them as I would never get to that place, never be caught in such blatant sin. Pride maybe but more likely just a complete lack of understanding about how the distance between a righteous life and one of depraved sin is measured. It is measured in incremental decisions not monumental actions.
I began my down hill run by being aroused by topless actresses in 80’s movies, by taking peeks at naked models in magazines and being titillated by lingerie models to finding myself needing more explicit pornography involving group sex, exploring images of bestiality, lesbians, voyeurism, fisting, golden showers… to get aroused. I was introduced to a sexual world that gently but surely dragged me deeper and deeper into darker and darker places.
I am unsure how I ‘justified’ each individual decision to look at increasingly depraved images, all I remember is wanting it, in fact the longer I went on in the addiction the more I needed it. I am not a scientist so cannot explain the chemical, psychological or cognitive reasons for this but my spiral to darker places was not because of my lack of love or devotion to God or my wife but my increasing need for more explicit images and video’s to get the same arousal.
Even as I write this I am realizing just how deep I had gone, I have owned up, been found out, confessed and have been on the road to rebuilding my sexual identity for a couple of years but as I see on paper the specific description of images I was consuming can I comprehend just how far down I had gone. What was my next step? What if I had not been found out? Was I just a few incremental decisions away from a destination that would have totally ruined my life and the lives of those around me? Was I one decision away from a headline in the newspaper as a local Pastor falling?
Pornography does not lift up the soul, nor does it leave the soul untouched, it slowly but surely hardens the edges and creeps inwards breaking down barriers until you arrive at a destination far from the dream you had for your life. It doesn’t just limit its destruction to the area of our sexuality but contaminates every area of out thinking.
Like quicksand the best way out is early and with help. The deeper you go the bigger the mess and the more help you need to get out. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
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