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Isn’t Porn Use Just a Bad Habit that He Can Stop Doing if He Wanted?

by Craig Gross on February 18th, 2019 in Podcast, Men, Women, Couples, Students, Spouses

At x3church, we have a panic button that folks can press when they’re panicking and need answers. People reach out at all hours of the night with a whole range of questions.

Sometimes, the questions keep me up at night. Questions that I can hardly believe.

But most of the time, they are questions we hear all of the time.

Every now and then, I wonder if responding with “we hear this all the time” feels condescending. At the end of the day, though, would you rather go to the doctor and hear that your “issue” is “common and curable,” or that it is “brand new and baffling?”

I’d rather have the generic problem.

This week, one wife asked me a question as common as a cold: “Isn’t porn use just a bad habit that he can stop doing if he wanted to?”

The problem is… she’s trying to solve his problem.

It doesn’t matter how much he loves you, how beautiful you are or what you do in bed. The root of his addiction started well before you entered the picture – it’s not your fault, but neither is it yours to fix. 

Men and women are wired differently. I know that’s not a popular assertion right now, but it’s true. Our brains are wired differently. It’s hard for a wife to understand her husband’s porn habit. She assumes he can just stop if he really wanted to.

Men are overtly visual in their nature. That truth is no excuse, but in light of the reality, ours is a very difficult world to live in. There are temptations all around us.

So, how can you help your husband break his porn habit? 

Your husband likely experiences certain triggers, and the better you are able to understand them, the better you will be able to understand him and the way his brain works. Part of that means cultivating empathy, and the more grace and compassion you are able to have on him in his journey, the better.

I am willing to wager that his honesty will increase in conjunction with your understanding. I think you’ll see his willingness to be held accountable increase alongside his genuine desire to change.

 

MY FAVORITE QUOTES FROM THIS PODCAST EPISODE

  • The root of his addiction started well before you entered the picture – it’s not your fault, but neither is it yours to fix. 
  • The root of his addiction started before you and it’s going on with or without you.
  • You’ve got to take yourself out of the equation because it’s going to help you understand him more if you realize this has nothing to do with you.
  • Without a doubt, your husband should seek to honor you, but approaching this conversation differently will help you better understand what is actually going on inside of him.
  • Maybe you – as a wife – shouldn’t be your husband’s accountability partner, but knowing that he has someone in his corner willing to engage his struggle (and vice versa)… that is certainly a key step in building trust together.
  • As we engage in tough conversations, we have to extend grace, we have to practice compassion and we have to seek to understand one another.

 

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