Questions

I see no statistics anywhere that claim if you wait to have sex you will no longer be able to perform or be sexually attracted to the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.    I don’t see that anywhere in the Bible either.  😉

I think this depends on your measure and degree of relapse as well as what your measure of victory and freedom from this addiction is.  Because this question should really be answered by someone that is in your (and your fiancee’) sphere of influence,  I would highly recommend that you discuss this openly with your pastor or whomever will be doing your premarital counseling.

First,  I want to say that I am very sorry you are facing this in your marriage.   I personally understand how painful this is.   I also want be clear that we are not professional counselors here so my response to you is woman to woman- wife to wife.

I think the way you presented the question says a lot about where you are at and I get it.  I am not judging or condemning you for that at all but I do want to rephrase it to help you look at it a bit differently.

You said this:  “My question is: Do I listen to my counselor and get an annulment or do I continue to feel bad for him and ride around the mountain with him again and again?”

I’m going to rephrase your question this way:   “My question is:  Do I go with the counselor’s advice to get an annulment or do I insist that my husband come clean once and for all, that he seek and attain accountability from other godly men and that I be kept in the loop with his progress and actions in the hopes of earning trust back and re-establish our marriage?”

It makes it so much clearer for me to answer now because I would never ever suggest that you “feel sorry” for your husband (compassion yes- feel sorry for, no!)  nor would I suggest that you ride around the mountain again and again and again.    There is so much more to this and to handling it with reason, with balance and in a way that honor’s God in the process.   Your husband needs to own his failures.  He needs to own his actions and he needs to clean it up and make it right.   I would hope that you would be willing to try to walk it out with him but with REAL things in place- not just going by someone’s good intentions.  Good intentions without a plan of action in place is useless.

With regards to your counselor’s suggestion.  I don’t know the whole situation or the context to which that advise was given.    I can tell you that the bible is clear that we are to seek a multitude of (godly) counsel when making decisions.  Proverbs 15:22 says “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.”  And again in Proverbs 11:14  “In the multitude of counselors there is safety.”     The key here is that these “counselors” not be biased (like well meaning family members and friends who often will advise based on emotions and the connection to the relationship with you), these counselors should be godly counselors who can speak life into this and who you feel are supposed to speak into your lives and marriage with some kind of authority.    I’m not talking a “ruling over” type of authority.  I’m talking authority as in someone that has the right to speak into your life that you trust, that has their own stuff together and is stable and can discern your situation when your feelings and emotions might cloud your discernment.

Ultimately you are the only one who can make this decision but I know from personal experience in a similar situation that I have to be able to say “I did everything I knew I was supposed to do and could do as unto God.”   The rest is left on the other person to carry.

Be sure to check out our resources for spouses also.

Best wishes.