Frequently Asked Questions.
My husband of 9 years (and 3 children) came clean about his pornography addiction almost a year ago. We have sought the help of Christian counselors who specialize in this area. He has almost completely conquered his addiction. And has not viewed porn for almost 1 year. While I am happy that he is living in the light and truth, my heart is totally broken. I am having a very hard time rebuilding trust. He blatantly lied to me (very well, I might add) on multiple occasions. In addition to not trusting him, I feel that he does not care to understand my heart. I have spent the past several moths reading and seeking out resources that describe how the male brain is wired and therefore why pornography is such an easy trap. He has also spent much time on himself and his healing. However, even though I have repeated expressed that I need him to understand how I work and the part of my self worth that has been attacked in direct response to his pornography used and lying… he will not and becomes suddenly passive. I want to heal. I want our marriage be redeemed. I want to experience true intimacy with him… but I just don’t know how. And now I am suddenly wondering is it even possible?
With all due respect to you, and with complete understanding of how hurtful this is because I have been there—- I am concerned that you are not letting go of an offense that your husband has come clean about AND is working towards being free from the bondage.
I remember the rage I felt inside knowing that the one person that I committed my entire life to and gave up chasing after all my “other dreams” for was choosing pornography over me / our marriage… repeatedly. The only difference it sounds like between your husband and mine is that mine never stopped. Mine never showed any fruit of repentance. A lifetime of habitual sin. He lost everything by choice and it cost me tremendously on so many levels. I’m only telling you this to qualify myself to answer your questions.
I had to come to a place of understanding that there is not any human being on the face of earth that is incapable of hurting me. No one is mistake-free. I had to search my own heart and really come clean with my own issues of idolatry to which I had made my husband one. That sounds tough to wrap your brain around but it’s true. I was placing my husband on the throne of my heart where only Jesus should be. I was expecting my husband to understand my pain like only Jesus really can. I was expecting my husband to somehow heal me and lead me to a place of trust and restoration. I was so wrong and I was making it all about me… what he was doing to me… how it made me feel… how I could never compete with the likes of what he was looking at… how it attacked my self worth… me me me me me me me.
If we are Christians… true Christians that believe the teaching of Jesus and are followers of that teaching then we need to drop the me. It is a hard truth that many turn from. If your husband has repented- and clearly there is fruit of that by what you have shared then you need to let go of the offense. You are still holding him in unforgiveness which means you are holding over him what God has forgiven him of. Trust takes time… that is OK… but to constantly dwell on the sin of the past is to keep yourself in prison. I would ask you what your prayer life and quiet time is like. Are you in the scriptures daily? Are you fellowshipping with other godly and bible-believing women? Have you thought about counseling just for you? You may also be interested in joining an X3groups for spouses. I am not saying that your pain is not valid. I am not saying that your husband shouldn’t be sensitive and compassionate to what this caused you– but I am saying that for you to stay there in constant thought about it is not healthy. My advice might be totally different if he wasn’t almost a year clean but he is and that is amazing! I would softly suggest that you try to focus on the victory.
I know that when your hurting, a response like this can make it seem so much worse— but I am thankful that someone cared enough about me to point me to the Truth. You are worth the investment of breaking free from the thoughts that are keeping you bound.
Is it wrong that my wife and I are both very passionate. We’ve been married for 4yrs, and we’re both faithful, but I’m a little sceptic on the frequency of our intimate moments. I don’t think having sex at least once or twice every day (some 4 times in a day) is normal.
If you and your wife are passionate for one another and you both desire sex daily then what is the problem? No, I don’t think it is the “norm” for married folks to be having sex sometimes 4 times in one day but again, if you both desire and are fulfilled by this then who is to say what is normal for you? I say GO FOR IT.
Now if you or she is feeling like there is a problem or there are outside influences etc. then it might be something to visit with a counselor.
My questions are endless -but I’ll start with the basics (and hey – when will there be a group for spouses…sign me up!) I am trying to walk the fine line of reducing my co-dependence and setting better boundaries with a full knowledge of God’s plan for me – while supporting my husband to get the help I think he needs. Married 15 years, three kids, affluent life in the suburbs – no physical intimacy and very little emotional intimacy for over 4 years. When I first figured out he was overusing porn and seeing prostitutes I believed his lies – that my excess baby weight made me unappealing and he was a “visual” person and he could stop if he wanted. After years of therapy for myself (he finds it a waste of time and money) and support from my church and friends I’ve come to understand that many of my body and food issues have been co-mingled with his in a co-dependent mess. But what is mine and what is his – feeling deserving of what I want emotionally and sensually – if he still thinks he ‘doesn’t have a problem” am I still to hold onto my belief that God wants more for both of us?? I’ve got SO many questions and could use some more help!
First of all, I am sorry that you are dealing with this in your marriage. Second, there is a group for spouses and I think it would be great for you. I have someone reaching out to you from our team about that through email but for further info please visit X3groups.com
Honestly, you sound pretty darn healthy emotionally and spiritually in spite of the betrayal in your marriage. I think it is wise to continue to seek godly counsel and direction for this and for your marriage. Hopefully your husband will catch up.
Setting boundaries is wise but it’s also a delicate issue in marriage. Townsend & Cloud offer a variety of Boundaries books and I recommend them highly. This is another area that a small group will help you with accountability for you. Often times a spouse will only look at their mate’s flaws and never see their own so I commend you for digging deep and looking within to see what drives you to seek our your own sin issues. Healing comes through revelation and then follow through. It sounds like you have the revelation, you are owning your own part and now you are following through. Good for you!!
Lastly another book that I think is solid and deals specifically with a spouse in habitual sexual sin is Laurie Hall’s “An Affair of the Mind”
Best wishes to you, dear one.