Questions

An undisciplined thought life for so many years definitely has consequences– even when we turn from our sin, there is an abundance of aftermath and you can’t rebuke a harvest once it is standing BUT… you can one day at a time cut it down.    Renew your mind by the washing of the Word of God and putting in place a new way of living  (romans 12:2 and Ephesians 4:22-24)    With regards to withholding sexual relations from your wife (and yourself in marriage):  there are psychologists and addiction specialists who will say that a period of abstinence is necessary to slow down the momentum of the mindset of this addiction and to ‘retrain’ yourself to reconnect spiritually and with your spouse… The bible says this:

1 Corinthians 7:1-7  Concerning Married Life

7 Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” ² But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. ³ The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. ⁴ The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. ⁵ Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. ⁶ I say this as a concession, not as a command. ⁷ I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.

 

We have an abundance of resources here and I think a really good series for you both to go through is the Best Sex Life Now series.  It is all about communication in and out of the bedroom and there are others who have experienced this in their marriage who share their experience and hope in bonus sessions!

I agree with your girlfriend that talking with someone from the church or in your sphere of influence is a good idea.  It would be great to have someone encourage you, challenge you and spur you on.    I would also add that your girlfriend needs the same from a godly woman.   This is your battle– not hers.   She needs accountability too because without it– the focus then becomes her, her feelings, her hurt, etc.   It’s not about her (yes I know it affects her) she needs to find her value and her worth from God and what He says about her.    This world is full of troubles- it is full of temptation and disappointments but if she is rooted and grounded in God she will not be so easily shaken.   Her emotional responses will only serve to be a distraction in your recovery.    I might add that I am a woman responding to this because a woman could see that and think it must be coming from a man who doesn’t understand.   Quite the contrary— this advise is coming from a woman who dealt with this for over a decade in her marriage.  I’m thankful for the women in my life who made me own my own responses- my own walk with God and my own reactions to the sins of others.    Best wishes to you!

Of course there is hope!  But when you are focused only on the struggle and the failures, it is overwhelming.   One step, one day at a time.   While I understand you desire to instill trust back into the relationship and that’s a good thing— it cannot be your motivation nor can it be your reason for walking out your recovery.    I would definitely suggest that you get some good and solid discipleship from a godly man.  Someone you can trust, talk to and be transparent with your struggles.   Someone who will encourage you, challenge you and spur you on.

Spend some time on our site, perhaps even join an X3group.

Give yourself a chance to get back up.  And remember Matthew 6:33-  Seek God first and everything else will fall into place.