Questions


Frequently Asked Questions.

Relationship/Lack of Desire

Hi there, I love your ministry and have been following it for years. You’ve helped me so much through out my life. So first off, thank you for all that you’ve done and continue to do. So here’s what I was wanting to ask about, cause I didn’t know where else to turn…I’ve been in a relationship now for a little while, I love this girl, I care very deeply for her…her heart for people and God is amazing. I don’t really believe in “the one” but if it was going to be someone….I could honestly say that it’s her.

We’ve definitely grown close in our relationship and have discussed marriage, kids, etc and started moving in that direction…but there is one thing that has really been weighing on us…she has expressed to me that she has never felt any kind of physical/sexual arousal or attraction….for anyone…we’ve both poured into each other emotionally, invested time with each other, shared some amazing experiences with each other and so on…but the lack of desire for anything beyond holding hands, hugging and me putting my arm around her has really weighed on me…I know that it’s not personal and I know it isn’t her fault…but it’s difficult to not let it affect my self-esteem and my emotions…She has also felt distressed about it, and has been in tears saying that she feels like a part of her is missing.

We’ve prayed about it, and been patient and we are still struggling through it together….recently she has heard of the orientation “Asexual”…and feels that she might fall into this category…we’ve discussed it some…and I’ve done research…apparently there is an entire community of people who claim to be asexual, as in they have no sexual desire. From what I’ve seen I honestly believe that asexuality is just a word that is being used to cover up admitting that there is possibly a problem in these peoples lives…be it physical or psychological, regarding sex/intimacy. I don’t think she falls into this category because she does desire a relationship…I also do NOT believe that asexuality is really something that’s intended by God. He made us capable of sex, desire, arousal etc…for a man and a woman to be drawn closer together…so I struggle accepting that asexuality is a “real orientation”…..I don’t know if this is something you guys have any resources on or have ever dealt with…but it’s something that’s been causing some hurt for both of us…I would deeply appreciate your prayers for us and any info or help you could offer.

My first thought was “How wonderful that her sexual desires have not yet been awoken!”  and I thought to praise God.   So to hear you both say that you find this distressing made me wonder if I’m missing something.

While I think you are correct about God creating humans to be capable of sex, desire, arousal etc.  I also know that there have been organic causes known to stunt this in women.   Jennifer Smith of Unveiled Wife actually talked about this in her upcoming book The Unveiled Wife.  You guys might be able to find out more about her story at unveliedwife.com

I think sexuality has a place in marriage- not in a dating relationship (if we’re coming from a Christian perspective and lifestyle) therefore I really don’t think it is something that you both need to worry about today.  I almost feel like you are trying to awaken something that is not yet to be awoken.

 

Masturbation

Hi,

currently I am separated with my wife. During our relationship we were active sexually, and since she has been gone I’ve missed her so much and the physical urges have been stronger. I’ve struggled and every time I have urges I allow myself to look at a picture of her and masturbate to it. I’ve struggled since I was 12 years old with pornography today I avoid it as much as possible but the memories of my wife makes it so hard and the sensations become strong. I don’t know how to overcome it, it’s been this way for a long time, and killed the intimacy with my wife she got to the point where I was no longer seducing her, that she just undressed and let me be. Anger played a big role due to the feeling of rejection. What can you say about my situation? I want to submit to Christ.

I’d say that if you are both not in marriage counseling, get there.   The marriage is not going to survive living separately if you are not working on the marriage during this season.    Have you ever heard the term  “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” ?   I believe it is true… for someone else.

The grass always looks greener on the other side.

Fight for your freedom.  Fight for your marriage.   Get some counseling.   Get into an accountability group.  Take drastic steps to break free and show her you are serious about winning her back!

Father of the house I live in

I’ve lived with a host family that I met at an after school program for almost 3 years now. There is one boy(16) and me plus the mother(upper 40s) and father( mid 50s). During the last 2 years the mother and father enrolled to become foster parents. During the 2 years following we’ve had a total of 5 boys come through our home. 2 of them were long term. One was 7 when he first came the other was 12. There are many other factors that add depth to this scenario but these are the most important. The mother and the father are in a good marriage and their son has become a brother to me over the years but the mother and father do have much deeper issues. My direct issue is that I’ve noticed disturbing Internet history on the fathers iPad. Nothing seen directly but I did see a long list of bookmarks and history. The subject matter appeared to be young preteen male pornography. I’ve also walked in the house with a friend of mine and saw the father viewing a video of a young boy masturbating, but he had switched the screen quickly. What do I do with what I’ve seen. For all I know at this point it’s only circumstantial. There’s no hard evidence that it was child pornography being viewed. I want to do something quickly. This family is important to me. Their son is my adopted brother so to speak. We are very close. I don’t want to destroy a marriage or ruin a relationship. But I also think it’s important that no more foster kids come through the house. This whole thing has me spooked. I was referred to you guys to seek help on what to do going forward. I struggle with pornography addictions myself so I understand the darkness I’m dealing with but this could be much worse if underage boys are involved. Thanks for the help. I hope to hear back very soon.

If you are suspecting child pornography but you are not 100% positive then I would suggest going to both the husband and wife together.   YOU are not splitting up a marriage and if the marriage doesn’t survive, he is the one to blame, not you.    But to ignore something so dangerous is irresponsible in my opinion.    If you are 100% positive that child porn is involved you need to report it to the authorities and you can do that anonymously.

If you tell them both together it will then be their responsibility to deal with it.    The husband needs the accountability that the wife can bring and suggest.     This is not something that should be ignored and I know you don’t want to break the closeness you all have but sometimes doing what is right is not easy.   Do the right thing.

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