Questions


Frequently Asked Questions.

Mental purity

I’ve recently started dating a girl I really like and am very physically attracted to. I quit porn a year ago, with a slip up 6 months ago. I quit masturbation around the same time, but have had a few more slip ups, usually going 4 months between slip ups. I have an accountability buddy and a solid porn blocker (my slip up was not on my computer, its bullet proof). I am having a lot of trouble with my thought life about my girlfriend. I am certain that she is the one. She knows all of my crap, and loves me anyway. In fact, she is incredibly attracted to my honesty, and we enjoy a very candid relationship. I know I have found quite a catch. So my thoughts go down a path from “I like her so much, one day I will ask her to marry me.. then we will get married .. and then SEX!! ” Or at least, that was the first time I ended up there. Now my thoughts often just jump straight there. Most recently it happened mid prayer. Which was very frustrating. I didn’t realize what had happened until I was knee deep in a fantasy. These fantasies are DEFINITELY fueled by images from my nearly 8 years of porn addiction, just with the faces changed to be ours. I know sex drive is natural, and that to be this attracted to her is a gift, but we have at least 2 years of dating to go before marriage is an option, and if that whole time is a constant battle. well. I feel very worn out already. I told her about what was happening. I didn’t go into detail, but I felt like I was mentally disrespecting her. She’s 100% on my side, helping me out. after telling her, things improved for a week, and then back to same old. I told my accountability brother. Its basically been a weekly message that says “Hey dude, still having problems with my thoughts. Prayer please!” My girlfriend and I aren’t kissing until engagement, due to my history and both of our large sex drive. No need to add more wood for that fire. Point is, I feel like im doing everything right. and still having this gigantic battle. My flesh verses the spirit in me. Reading through romans everyday has given me some good advice, but still not any change. “What a wretched man I am! who will save me from this body of death?” I know jesus will pull me through. I just wondered if you had any practical advice for thought life change. Im just sooo tired.

Thanks for your question. I want to tell you that you really seem to be approaching this from a healthy perspective.

First thing I want to say is this … don’t beat yourself up too bad. Attraction is natural. Wanting to have sex with your “future wife” is natural. And, sexual desire os natural.

That being said, lust is a problem that we all have to content with. Temptation is a part of life. And, in fact it’s not wrong. Jesus was tempted. It’s what we do with temptation that’s the issue. So, if your thoughts veer off into the “lust” area then you need to do for the most part what you’ve been doing. Confess, repent, get accountable. Then move on. Don’t dwell on this stuff and beat yourself up for past mistakes.

Also, be careful to distinguish temptation from lust. They aren’t the same thing. You will always be faced with temptation but you can work at not letting it lead you to lust though accountability, prayer, and open communication with those who support you.

Hope this helps.

shame

Hello so in my past I have looked at porn and masturbated quite a bit. Recently I got accountable with some good friends of mine and I installed x3watch on my computer. I also confessed some of the sins in my past that I am most ashamed of to a friend of mine, and one sin in particular has haunted me and ever since I confessed that sin to my friend I have just felt intense shame and depression. That sin is I have listened to my parents having sex and gotten pleasure out of it. I confessed doing this to my friend and I confessed it to God and asked his forgiveness, but I just feel overwhelming shame and depression. So is this shame and guilt I feel a sign that I should also confess to my parents what I did?

Kyle,

I think you are being hard on yourself.  You confessed it to the Lord, you confessed it to a friend.  The word says that once you confess it God is quick to forgive it AND forget it.   It’s gone.  

The shame is from the evil one- not from God.   Only you can decide if you need to tell your parents but I am not certain that is necessary.

God bless you.

Child Protection Policies

Our youth pastor and I are reviewing our church’s child protection policy. We are seeking guidance about how to include pornography checks in the policy; or steps to take when we become aware of porn use by workers or students. Your guidance is appreciated.

This is a great question and something that very few churches or organizations show concern for so great job on your part. We don’t have anything “formal” in terms of procedures or what we would recommend but I can give you some general guidelines to get you started:

1. A desire for transparency and sexual integrity needs to be communicated from the top. In other words, whatever course the leadership sets forth on needs to be something that they are willing to participate in and abide by as well.

2. A standard policy would be helpful. Things to include might be:

  •  Accountability software on all church owned devices and all personal devices of anyone on staff
  •  A commitment to weekly accountability with an accountability partner or partners
  •  Guidelines for counseling (i.e. women with women, men with men, etc.)
  •  Reporting procedures that are inline with Biblical principle and reaffirms the need for repentance and grace

3. Leadership requirements (paid & volunteer) that are in accordance with I Tim. 3:1-13 and Titus 1:5-9

4. Offer resources and help to those who need it (whether it’s through local program or online (ex. http://X3pure.com and http://X3groups.com)

Ultimately people will only be accountable for what they choose to be accountable for. However, you can definitely help matters by communicating clear expectations up front. Furthermore, you don’t want to make this a legalistic exercise or encourage “telling on” people. It needs to be communicated that accountability isn’t about policing or restrictions. It’s about freedom. It’s about being able to do life without guilt or shame. And GRACE needs to be stressed throughout all of this so people aren’t afraid to come forward if they hit a bump in the road.

Hope this helps but you can certainly discuss further with one of the pastors here if you have more questions.

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