Frequently Asked Questions.
To what extent is physical attraction important in a relationship possibly leading towards marriage? I’ll elaborate to bring more clarity to my question. I have a wonderful church body, and it is filled with godly women that I appreciate and love hanging out with and doing life with. Most of them I just consider great sisters. The problem that I’m running into is that, while I might like hanging out with some of them and really enjoy and share the same opinions with a few specific girls, I don’t necessarily have a huge attraction physically for them. I have struggled with pornography and lust since I was probably about 10 years old, and I know that this has played a huge part in framing my expectations. However, I also know that ignoring the need for physical attraction is also not an appropriate response. I know that physical attraction will fade in some sense as we get older, but the fear still remains that I may not have the passion for my spouse if I’m not very physically attracted to her. It seems really shallow to me on some ways, Boeing versus talk about the lighting in the wife of your youth, I don’t want to look at my wife and think, ” I’m really not into you like that. I don’t have the hots for you.” And that really concerns me. What are your thoughts?
Thanks for the question. Yes, physical attraction is an important part of a relationship. It definitely isn’t the most important but it is not something that you just ignore or marginalize. In fact, part of being a good spouse is taking pride in your appearance for the sake of your wife/husband so that they stay physically attracted to you. In the end, true love looks past physical measures and you’ll find that if you are truly in love with a person the appearance matters less and less.
However, in your case, you have a legitimate concern. It is possible, if not likely, that years of porn viewing and the like have skewed your ideal of beauty. Porn gives us a picture that real life is not able to compete with. You need to recognize this (& it sounds like you have) and take that into consideration when you view a woman. Ask yourself, am I just not attracted to her or is that I just think she’s not as attractive as what I’m use to? If you aren’t attract to a woman then that’s fine. Attraction is about more than just the physical anyway. BUT, if you just aren’t feeling physically drawn to women because they just aren’t measuring up to what you’ve seen in porn then you need to readjust your vision. Don’t think of it as “lowering your standards” but bringing your standards in line with reality.
I want to let you know that this site is a wonderful resource for those who are looking for help with Porn addiction. I’m going to be blunt…You don’t really see this a lot when you are reading about Porn and being a Christian but here goes: DESTROY YOUR PC or ANY DEVICE with INTERNET ACCESS. I know some people are laughing like…what…how do I survive without internet? Here’s a question to answer your question. If Porn is consuming you and impacting your relationship with Jesus and the Father..the solution starts with fleeing temptation. There is not a quick fix and sobriety requires crucifixion of the flesh. But as a male, I know how temptation can work its way in. Start with removing the source…the internet. Living without the internet can be done…Which is more important…E mail, Online News and Facebook over your Spiritual walk and health. I know this sounds radical, believe me. But the common thread is that the PC/Phones are still there. Here’s another question. Lets say someone has a problem with cocaine. They decide to get clean, but leave a bag of cocaine on their table that just sits there. They walk by it day and night. What will happen eventually? You guessed it. Or what about Opiate use (very addicting and identical to porn addiction). Would a user who is trying to get clean keep pills on their dresser to walk by every day? I’d personally rather be ridiculed for not having a smart phone or PC any day than be enslaved by porn. Now that is not an accusation or passing judgment to anyone because we all sin. My sins are not any less than other sins. But guys we need to start destroying and smashing the idols in our lives that enslave us. Second for XXX Church.com- PLEASE EDIT OR DO NOT POST PEOPLES NAMES IN THE QUESTIONS SECTIONS. THIS IS A VERY SENSITIVE ISSUE AND I’VE ALREADY READ POSTS ABOUT PEOPLE WHO ARE BEARING THEIR SOULS TO OTHERS WHO ARE NOT SENSITIVE TO THIS STRUGGLE. WHEN SOMEONE PUTS A NAME IN THE COMMENTS OR QUESTIONS SECTION….AS A RESPONSIBLE WEBMASTER…PLEASE DO NOT POST THE NAME. THIS ONLY HINDERS PEOPLES ABILITY TO POST THINGS AND THINK ABOUT HOW IT MAKES THE PEOPLE FEEL WHO’S NAMES ARE BEING USED. YOU ARE ADDING SALT TO THE WOUNDS THEY ARE TRYING DEPARATELY TO HEAL. I SAW FULL NAMES, ADDRESSES ETC ON SOME POSTS. PLEASE GO BACK AND DELETE THESE TODAY. I KNOW I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE THINKING IT…BUT WHEN I READ THEM I IMMEDIATELY THOUGHT…WOW…I’D SURE BE MAD IF THEY POSTED MY NAME EVEN IF SOMEONE ELSE WROTE IT. PLEASE TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY IN THIS AREA. IN CHRIST…
I used to be addicted to pornography. I found an opportunity to confess to my mother. She was incredibly loving and understanding and with her help I have been free from porn for months. Recently however I have struggled with returning to semi-pornographic images on the internet. I do not want myself to and when I do look for images I eventually snap out of it and stop and pray for forgiveness, but what can I do to stop this temptation? I have continued to read my bible and pray every day. Are there any scripture passages/verses you would recommend I read? Thank you.
Do you have a mentor or accountability partner? I would recommend that you have someone in your life you can be totally open and honest with. Someone who is trustworthy and safe with your confessions. Sure I can give you a list of scriptures– as a matter of fact I am going to email you a prayer guide but I do think you need someone face to face in your real life that you can be honest with.