Questions


Frequently Asked Questions.

How do I help my 13 year old son?

My wife and I found out that my son who will be 14 in a few months has been looking at porn. I had set the parental controls on his ipod touch and it seems he is more tech savvy than I. He was texting pictures to a friend from school. As I talked with him i was deliberated about being compassionate and understanding. I told him about my own struggle. He responded in anger, saying that he was tired of being forced to live this “perfect Christian life”. I told him that I did not expect that from him. I continued to let him know that I love him and I started asking him to forgive me for the past three years, that I was working 3 jobs which ended up neglecting him. He said it was better to have his own life that nobody at home or school knew about. I need some guidance as to how to help him. Thank you.

I appreciate your letter.  As a parent I have been where you are.  Granted it was many years ago and technology was not as invasive with shoving images down our throats as it is today.  It has got to be overwhelming for our kids!

I commend you on several things here.

  1. Your own transparency and confession
  2. Your acknowledgement at not being more present as a parent.
  3. Your sincere request for forgiveness.
  4. Your desire to be not only a father to your son, but a RESPONSIBLE one.

So.  Numbers 1-4 pretty much says it all.  You have done everything that I can see necessesary to help your son to grow and to thrive.   It is up to him to respond… yes even at 14.

Be consisitent.  Be intentional and stand your ground with boundaries (including proper filters etc.) and lean on God for it all.  Trust the Lord with the outcome.  

Blessings!

MT

7 year drought

I was married to a woman who had cancer. Due to the nature of her symptoms, her treatments and surgeries, she was not physically able to have sex with me for the last seven years of our marriage. She was disgusted by and would not participate in oral sex or masterbating each other. During that time I did look at “soft porn” and masterbated for the emotional and physical release. I never had a physical affair and never pursued one during our marraige. My new wife and I discussed this and she thinks I cheated on my previous wife. Did I cheat?

OK; first of all God bless you and comfort you on the loss of your first wife.   Why on earth your new wife would shame you in this is beyond me and perhaps she did not mean to, but what a terrible thing to now have to second guess.  There are some people who view porn together in their marriages.  I’m not endorsing OR advising that, I am just saying that for your wife to suggest you cheated when your first wife is not here to help you with an answer to that accusation just doesn’t seem fair.

The best suggestion I have is this:  go to God in prayer.  He already knows your heart.   Pray about it and ask Him to help you to discern if this is something you need to repent for and need healing now since your current wife has brought it up in order to move forward.

I do think this clearly speaks for your new wife’s thoughts on what is permissible in your marriage and so because now you know what her thoughts on this subject is– you know it is not OK with her for you to use porn in this marriage.  You can deal with that.

Because you looked at porn during the time your wife was ill does not suggest you are a porn addict. I do not personally believe that every man that looks at porn is or will become a porn addict.   I am not saying it is a good idea even once awhile based on studies of how addicting it can be.  I am just saying that if this is not the norm for you or a pattern that you have habitually been stuck in then hopefully your wife will actually see how awesome it was that you felt safe enough to share this information with her and that it is not going to be an issue in this marriage.

 

Best wishes,

MT

Guilt

Dear XXXChurch, I found your site a while ago, and I have to say, it has been truly helpful. But I have a question. recently, I’ve been having this guilty feeling inside of me. I am in college in Knoxville, which is a bit of a challenge, but I’ve been sober for a good 2-3 months. But now I’m feeling guilty. I was exposed to porn at the age of 13, and over the summer of 2013, I became involved in SAA, which has been a tremendous help in Nashville. But now that I am in Knoxville, I can’t go to any meetings because I don’t have a car, and no meetings are within walking distances. I have this guilty feeling. Sometimes, old habits and memories pop into my head, and some fantasies pop in. Last night, on my floor of the dorm I’m living in, there is a public bathroom, and there is a window that we keep open which is exposed to the girls side of our dorm. I usually never look in there, believe it or not, and then last night, I flinched because all of a sudden, one of the windows was open. I flipped out, I looked down at the ground and closed the window because it has a sort of blinding feature. I’m doing all the right things, but why do I feel guilty? Could you please answer this question? Many Thanks…

Guilt is not from God.  If you are feeling ‘guilty’ then it is a set up from a different camp.

So… I would certainly go to the Lord in prayer and ask Him to silence the voice of guilt.  Ask Him to convict you wherever conviction needs to be and draw you to repentance where you need to repent but to help you NOT allow guilt to rule your mindset.

Also— you may not have a car but surely you have accountability or someone you can talk to face to face or by phone.  Ask them to be praying for you too.   See if there is a Celebrate Recovery group near you.  You may also be interested in one of X3groups (web based). 

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