Frequently Asked Questions.
God is healing me from an addiction to homosexual pornography. I have read the book ‘The Fantasy Fallacy’ by Shannon Ethridge and found it very helping and has guided me in the healing process, helping me to identify some of the emotional needs or holes I am trying to fill when I have struggled with pornography. At the same time, I am finding that I am gaining weight, that my clothes are not fitting as well as they used to. I have been thinking about starting to exercise, but I find that the thing that gets me most motivated to exercise is building muscles to look buff and attractive. While I know that are many psychological benefits to exercising which may help me in my recovery process (releasing endorphines and stress in healthy ways rather than the unhealthy ways I have been using) I am concerned about the fact that I really only find my motivation to exercise in the desire to look attractive. Is this a sign of some need I am trying to fulfill in an inappropriate way? Am I seeking to find my identity in something other than God by wanting to work out and look good? I don’t think this is true for everyone who works out, but I have wondered if part of my struggle with homosexual pornography has to do with the fact that I have always wanted to be athletic and attractive (I don’t think I’m ugly, though) and I was envious of what other guys had. I don’t think that’s the whole story behind my struggle, but I have wondered if it is part of it. Does this mean I should just let me body go because God loves me no matter what I look like?
NO, you do not let your body go just because of this. It is alright to feel good about yourself, your shape, and your body. It is OK to want to be attractive. The problem though comes in if you make it an idol or take it to addictive levels that removes you from a healthy relationship with God.
Go exercise, get healthy, and feel good about yourself.
I have a severe problem with jealousy. I’ve prayed about it, I’ve talked with my fiancée about it, I’ve talked with my mom and closest friends about it. But nothing seems to be freeing me from this sin. I understand that jealousy is not love and I’m hurting myself and my future spouse because of it. Please give me feedback ad bible verses and anything else that could possibly help with this. I’m desperate.
My name is Shellie R. Warren and I’m the women’s blog editor for the site.
First, let me say that I commend you on the courage that it took to address your stronghold and yes, as you implied, jealousy is *just that*. As a matter of fact, Proverbs 14:30(NKJV) tells us “A sound heart is life to the body, but envy is rottenness to the bones.”
Although you didn’t get into too much detail, from what I have studied (and experienced) about jealousy, it’s rooted in a profound sense of insecurity oftentimes due to a heavy sense of low self-worth. Something like that, *no one* can heal but the Lord. Your boyfriend can’t compliment you enough, console you enough, prove to you enough that he loves you. You are going to have to spend some time with God to seek out what *the root* of your jealousy stems from. Nine times out of 10, it’s related to things that happened way before your boyfriend came on the scene.
Also, something else to keep in mind about jealousy is that it’s degrading to relationships in the sense that it causes people to think that they *own* someone. God gives us the freedom to choice, even when we don’t choose him and so *most definitely*, as a *girlfriend*, your boyfriend deserves the same rights. He should be able to talk on the phone with girls, have social media connects with girls, etc. because one, he’s not married to you and so he still has the *freedom* to make the decisions that are ultimately going to be best for him (first) and two, because no one feels loved when they are being suffocated.
You do sound vulnerable and desperate for a solution. The first thing that comes to my mind is to get a book by Henry Cloud and John Townsend entitled Boundaries (and now that I think about it, also the read Boundaries in Dating). Also, spend some time praying about when you first remember feeling jealous and what caused you to have those emotions. It might surprise you once you really put some thought and effort in. I promise you, your boyfriend is a *victim* of your jealousy but not likely to be the cause of your insecurities.
As a matter of fact, being that Matthew 17:20-21 tells us that some demons are *only removed* by fasting and praying (and yes, jealousy is from a dark spirit…remember that Satan is jealous of God to this very day-Isaiah 14:14), you might want to go on a fast so that God can speak even more intimately with you. A good book on fasting is here:
I can hear the torment in your “written voice”. Know that we are praying for you.
Oh, and I also have a blog for single women who desire marital covenant. There are a ton of resources on there:
We’re praying for you. Keep us posted, OK?
I became addicted to porn at age 12. Its been a struggle since then but the hardest part is that I don’t really have anyone safe to talk to about this. Things like marriage and sex petrify me and I’ve never been able to learn differently. I don’t have anyone that I can open up about this sin issue about, I used to have an accountability partner but she said I burdened her too much and she left my life. Sexual needs are a larger part in my life, my age feeds into that too. But its hard being so scared of sex and not being able to talk about my struggles or views with anyone safely. Is there like a website or something where I can get a virtual accountability partner, or make a virtual friend so I can slowly learn how to feel safe opening up about this?
My name is Shellie R. Warren and I am the women’s blog editor for the site.
Although I can see that you are struggling in some ways, what you asked was actually quite spiritually mature. I think it’s awesome that you sense that there is great value in accountability.
I did peep that you said your previous partner said that you were overwhelming and so I do want to encourage you to realize that accountability is not about someone being at your beck and call and providing all of the solutions to your problem. They are simply someone you can go to in order to make your confessions known in a safe atmosphere so that they can pray for you and provide you with support (James 5:16).
As life would have it, there is someone else who has written me who is in need of one herself. You two just might be an “answered prayer” for one another. I know that you sent this email a few weeks back, but if you’re still in search of an accountability partner, would you let me know? We might be able to work something out.
I look forward to hearing from you,