Frequently Asked Questions.
My husband and I have been married for a little over a year. I was wondering how to move on from issues (see below) in a healthy way. He has a history of terrible boundaries with women (he’d be the first to admit). After we were married, he was emailing long letters and sending pictures to a woman he met on Craigslist. On top of that he had a codependent and too-intimate relationship with a female coworker who was herself married. (Although she had an affair with a married man when she was single). The stash of porn I found after we were married was the least of my worries – he threw it out, and I believe him when he said he hadn’t looked at it for some time. I myself had struggled with porn in the past. We moved, and we both got new jobs (love the area!). Since moving, I’ve walked in on him looking at porn once, when my gym time was cut short, but I don’t believe he’s done it again. His boundaries have improved, although he has a tendency to ‘focus’ a little too much on his new boss (a lesbian) and mentioned her, in fact, last night several times while on a date with me. I gently pointed it out and he apologized. I’m struggling with how to not withdraw into a ball of fear so I don’t get hurt again and at the same time avoid swinging to the other side of the pendulum and trusting foolishly only to be trampled on. I know it’s important that a man feel respected and I don’t know how to bring up his ‘women’ problem if something is a red flag for me without communicating disrespect. The hurt is still there and fear and anger and it’s hard to know how to heal in a healthy way since my heart’s not been broken before. Thanks.
If you’re not already in counseling, I would definitely recommend it. First year of marriage and your husband is on Craig’s lists looking for encounters with other women? This is not just a porn problem– this sounds like full blown sex-addiction. Marriage is not going to cure it.
Please get into some type of counseling. Will your husband get some accountability with other men? Would he consider joining an X3group?
For more resources on building a stronger marriage please visit strongermarriages.com there are also some workshops there that might be helpful.
I’m sorry you are dealing with this in your first year of marriage. I know freedom is possible if your husband is willing to really pursue it!
Today before leading worship in Church together, Christian boyfriend, of 3 months, told me that he had been viewing porn earlier that morning. It was a massive shock to me and I feel very hurt as it feels like he has committed adultery. I have been praying about it since. I have immediately forgiven him and refuse to judge him as we are all fallen sinners. We are deeply in love with each other despite the fact we have been together for only a short time. We spend time together everyday and have developed a very strong bond already. I am certain this is the man God wants me to marry. I can’t imagine being without him.
However, I don’t know how to approach talking to him about this subject? I’m not sure how to respond and handle this. Is this a marriage-dealer breaker? Am I not honouring myself, God by staying in this relationship? What implications could this have on our future marriage? What can I do to suuport him and help him overcome this struggle and find freedom in victory over sin? I believe in Gods power to transform our lives, but I am very scared about the future.
As a woman who once had a boyfriend who served on the worship team who was also using porn and who ironically was OK with crossing boundaries with me…I want to say RUN. As a woman who got engaged to that same man and he was still on the worship team, still using porn and we were still crossing lines, I want to say RUN… Of course in my ignorance I thought we could beat this thing together and once we got married and could have “permissible sex”, the marriage bed would take care of this beast called pornography. Oh I was so naive.
So as a woman who dealt with it for 13 years until my husband finally chose the world (which of course I would have never imagined because of course my dream was freedom and then us being used in ministry together to help others break free of the same bondage) I want to say R U N… As a woman on this team here at XXXchurch that sees this every single day destroying men, women and marriages, I want to say RUN… and not because I think your boyfriend is awful or not able to overcome. I say it because I know it is a long haul- rarely instantaneous and you must be prepared to handle the roller-coaster ride that it can tend to be.
Here are some things I would say are a must if you choose to stay:
I know this is going to sound harsh to you because when someone tried to tell me the same I was angry… “they just didn’t know him or our love”.
They were right all along and had I listened to their counsel I would have saved myself and my love a ton and a half of heartache and probably 15 years of our lives.
Pornography and pornography addiction CAN be overcome in one’s life but the person needs to put all the right things in place and do their part– they have to want it more than you want it for them. We have an abundance of resources on the main areas of XXXchurch.com I would recommend you both start in the start here section.
Because he has not been trustworthy in the past I went searching for porn. I found it.
As I was searching I ask myself, what will you do if/when you find it?
Well, I need help with that answer. I don’t know what to do.
He always finds a new place to hide it, so his interest had not stopped by me finding it and confronting him about it.
I now understand his obsession with a certain sex act, as that is what two of the three mags was about.
Where do I go from here?
I can only give you recommendations. It sounds like your husband is not ready to deal with his addiction or if he is then he is fooling himself by leaving things in place that will cause him to further stumble.
Have you been to any kind of counseling?
Does he say he wants to stop this behavior? That is the real question because if he says he does then there should be things in place that help him to achieve his goals. Real accountability and involvement in a support group or community of like minded men on a path of healing. Consider the Start Here section on our main site.
For you- the spouse there is a spouses section. We also have groups available to both the one struggling and for the one who loves them. www.X3groups.com
You are definitely not alone, the key is going to be finding a safe community to where you can grow in peace regardless of what your husband’s choices are.