Frequently Asked Questions.
My husband of 9 years (and 3 children) came clean about his pornography addiction almost a year ago. We have sought the help of Christian counselors who specialize in this area. He has almost completely conquered his addiction. And has not viewed porn for almost 1 year. While I am happy that he is living in the light and truth, my heart is totally broken. I am having a very hard time rebuilding trust. He blatantly lied to me (very well, I might add) on multiple occasions. In addition to not trusting him, I feel that he does not care to understand my heart. I have spent the past several moths reading and seeking out resources that describe how the male brain is wired and therefore why pornography is such an easy trap. He has also spent much time on himself and his healing. However, even though I have repeated expressed that I need him to understand how I work and the part of my self worth that has been attacked in direct response to his pornography used and lying… he will not and becomes suddenly passive. I want to heal. I want our marriage be redeemed. I want to experience true intimacy with him… but I just don’t know how. And now I am suddenly wondering is it even possible?
With all due respect to you, and with complete understanding of how hurtful this is because I have been there—- I am concerned that you are not letting go of an offense that your husband has come clean about AND is working towards being free from the bondage.
I remember the rage I felt inside knowing that the one person that I committed my entire life to and gave up chasing after all my “other dreams” for was choosing pornography over me / our marriage… repeatedly. The only difference it sounds like between your husband and mine is that mine never stopped. Mine never showed any fruit of repentance. A lifetime of habitual sin. He lost everything by choice and it cost me tremendously on so many levels. I’m only telling you this to qualify myself to answer your questions.
I had to come to a place of understanding that there is not any human being on the face of earth that is incapable of hurting me. No one is mistake-free. I had to search my own heart and really come clean with my own issues of idolatry to which I had made my husband one. That sounds tough to wrap your brain around but it’s true. I was placing my husband on the throne of my heart where only Jesus should be. I was expecting my husband to understand my pain like only Jesus really can. I was expecting my husband to somehow heal me and lead me to a place of trust and restoration. I was so wrong and I was making it all about me… what he was doing to me… how it made me feel… how I could never compete with the likes of what he was looking at… how it attacked my self worth… me me me me me me me.
If we are Christians… true Christians that believe the teaching of Jesus and are followers of that teaching then we need to drop the me. It is a hard truth that many turn from. If your husband has repented- and clearly there is fruit of that by what you have shared then you need to let go of the offense. You are still holding him in unforgiveness which means you are holding over him what God has forgiven him of. Trust takes time… that is OK… but to constantly dwell on the sin of the past is to keep yourself in prison. I would ask you what your prayer life and quiet time is like. Are you in the scriptures daily? Are you fellowshipping with other godly and bible-believing women? Have you thought about counseling just for you? You may also be interested in joining an X3groups for spouses. I am not saying that your pain is not valid. I am not saying that your husband shouldn’t be sensitive and compassionate to what this caused you– but I am saying that for you to stay there in constant thought about it is not healthy. My advice might be totally different if he wasn’t almost a year clean but he is and that is amazing! I would softly suggest that you try to focus on the victory.
I know that when your hurting, a response like this can make it seem so much worse— but I am thankful that someone cared enough about me to point me to the Truth. You are worth the investment of breaking free from the thoughts that are keeping you bound.
Do you think that many evangelical churches apply extra weight to pornography sins over other types of sin? I don’t diminish the fact that viewing pornography is a sin and God hates sin. However, I feel there are many other sins that people in North American churches overlook with a giggle or wink while casting much judgement on someone struggling to overcome lustful temptations. It’s much more tolerated for example to be a drunk in our church culture than to have viewed pornography. I’m curious to know if any others have felt this disparity or if I’m just being overly sensitive.
I do not think you are being oversensitive. I think it is an accurate observation that the church of today typically has pet sins that they focus on.
Does watching porn make u feel like acting out on a fantasy. Also does watching porn make u feel like ur spouse may step out on the relationship like cheating?
I think anything we partake of has the ability to influence our thoughts as well as our actions. Especially those things we or our mate finds desirable.