Questions

Frequently Asked Questions.

Pornography addiction in a relationship

First of all I am on a relationship, me and my girlfriend are christians and we both love God we are serving(separately) in our youth ministry. Im now 21 i have been christian for about 6 years and i have been in a relationship for a year, even before been christian i have struggled with porn and right before i got in a relationship i have been doing pretty good dealing with temptation, but since me and my girlfriend are not virgin we struggle a lot with sex issues(we havent had intercourse) and i think that this have made me fall again into porn and also is destroying our relationship since we are experiencing a lot of anger, fights, jelaousy pride … . We are both willing to stop letting our lust growing in our relationship, but i feel like both sexual interaction and porn are killing our relationship, since i love her and she is a really great Godly woman my question is, how can we deal with sexual sin in our relationship(tips), and how can i deal with porn and the consequences of our sexual sin in our relationship(hate, fights…and others)???

Get open and honest and make sure you have accountability in your relationship and personal lives. Not just with eachother but allowing others in.   Who is speaking into your lives and your relationship?   Who is helping to hold you both accountable to purity in your own walks and in your relationship?   It doesn’t sound like you have anyone doing this.   It is crucial.

Preference/attraction

To what extent is physical attraction important in a relationship possibly leading towards marriage? I’ll elaborate to bring more clarity to my question. I have a wonderful church body, and it is filled with godly women that I appreciate and love hanging out with and doing life with. Most of them I just consider great sisters. The problem that I’m running into is that, while I might like hanging out with some of them and really enjoy and share the same opinions with a few specific girls, I don’t necessarily have a huge attraction physically for them. I have struggled with pornography and lust since I was probably about 10 years old, and I know that this has played a huge part in framing my expectations. However, I also know that ignoring the need for physical attraction is also not an appropriate response. I know that physical attraction will fade in some sense as we get older, but the fear still remains that I may not have the passion for my spouse if I’m not very physically attracted to her. It seems really shallow to me on some ways, Boeing versus talk about the lighting in the wife of your youth, I don’t want to look at my wife and think, ” I’m really not into you like that. I don’t have the hots for you.” And that really concerns me. What are your thoughts?

Thanks for the question. Yes, physical attraction is an important part of a relationship. It definitely isn’t the most important but it is not something that you just ignore or marginalize. In fact, part of being a good spouse is taking pride in your appearance for the sake of your wife/husband so that they stay physically attracted to you. In the end, true love looks past physical measures and you’ll find that if you are truly in love with a person the appearance matters less and less.

However, in your case, you have a legitimate concern. It is possible, if not likely, that years of porn viewing and the like have skewed your ideal of beauty. Porn gives us a picture that real life is not able to compete with. You need to recognize this (& it sounds like you have) and take that into consideration when you view a woman. Ask yourself, am I just not attracted to her or is that I just think she’s not as attractive as what I’m use to? If you aren’t attract to a woman then that’s fine. Attraction is about more than just the physical anyway. BUT, if you just aren’t feeling physically drawn to women because they just aren’t measuring up to what you’ve seen in porn then you need to readjust your vision. Don’t think of it as “lowering your standards” but bringing your standards in line with reality.

13 watching porn

Hi XXX Church, My husband and I lead a family organization called Stronger Families in Seattle. Recently I posted a article about young boys and porn. Wasn’t quite prepared for the response. I have had 3 moms reach out bc after reading that article they talked with their little men and 2 of them are watching some pretty heavy stuff. They have never even kissed a girl yet! What are resources you recommend and next steps for this type of situation? Thank you so much for this amazing ministry!

Thank you for your support and your question.   We have an abundance of resources for teens/students here.   You may also be interested in a youth curriculum that Craig Gross and Criss Logan did for Simply Youth Ministry.

I hope this helps!

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