Questions

Frequently Asked Questions.

My husband confessed to using porn

The story is pretty simple. My husband was addicted to porn before we were married but broke free. He had be clean for a couple years. But he has now confessed to somehow getting caught up in it again. He is truly sorry and is taking the steps t break free and have accountability . I want to know what tools there are for me to heal, feel comfortable with him again, and truly forgive him. I love him but I would be lying If I said this did not devastate me and break my trust. I feel worthless, broken and like I’ll barely live again. I see plenty of tools for his recovery, but what can I do to recover? How can I grow to trust him again? We both love the Lord and praying hard about this but I just don’t know how to get through it.

You most definitely need support and wisdom to walk with your husband in a healthy way through this.  We have an entire blog for spouses plus resources here.   One of my favorite books written by the wife of a sex addict is called An Affair of The Mind  by Laurie Hall.   She validates what a lot of wives experience with their emotions and thoughts but shares how to turn that into powerful prayer for your spouse.  I found this book to be helpful and packed full of Scripture.

Pure Life Ministries also offers a counseling program for wives called OCAH.

Best wishes!

Purity

My girlfriend has just told me that she is a born again virgin, while I had previously assumed she was a virgin since birth. I don’t judge that and I don’t want to. But, my mind has been going crazy and I keep feeling bothered by the idea. How am I supposed to deal with it? I am a virgin, and have been saving myself. It feels like my sacrifice was somewhat for no reason? I want those feelings gone. How? What should I do, and/or pray? Please help.

We are told that God makes all things new.  We have all fallen short of the glory of God and all of us have gone astray.   For some reason this particular area is more troubling to you but what stands out the most to me was when you stated that your “sacrifice” feels as if it is was for ‘no reason’.

You didn’t make that decision for your girlfriend (I hope).  You made it for yourself as unto God.  If something someone else has done makes your walk or vows less valuable I think that is what you should begin to pray about because that is a bigger issue.   Give yourself some time too.  This was just dropped on you and so it’s a little shocking.   Thankfully your girlfriend made a commitment to wait and has asked God to cleanse her and make her new.  You can’t take that away from her.  (I know you’re not trying to- I’m just trying to make a point)

I think your decision to remain a virgin is admirable not to mention simply awesome- don’t ever think that isn’t worth something. 

How to move forward with my son.

Hello, First, I want to let you know that I am not new to this parenting thing. I have five children, on 19 and on 15. My 19 year old son navigated his way through the teenage years with the help of Christ and, your website. He continues to struggle with porn, but it is admitted disease that we talk about. My 15 year old daughter is, thankfully, porn free. However, my 13 year old son has begun masturbating and looking at porn over the past year. My wife and I are Anglican Priests, recovering addicts, and grace theologians, so we have this all figured out, right? Well, despite patience, care, and a lockdown on loopholes (he’s brilliant, BTW), he continues to thwart our efforts to eliminate his viewing of porn. He went so far as to find my wife’s old cell phone and charger, attached it to the Wi-Fi (because the data was off) and began browsing. I should also note that my 13 year old is a Type 1 Diabetic, which means he has all kinds of rules and restrictions on his life which, as we all know, builds up rebellion in the heart. (As Paul says, I did not covet until I was told not to.) Last night was the last straw as my 10 year old son asked to play with my wife’s phone. She said yes, and then after 30 minutes he gave the phone back to her. She went to open the browser and a full porn video started playing. Now, thankfully, my 10-year old saw nothing. But it made me realize that we need to do more than what we are currently doing. The way I see it, there are two stages to this. 1) Keep porn away from my 13 year old. 2) Begin working on healing with him with your workshop. The second part is “easy”. We can pay for and start doing your program. However, the first part may require a radical change in the way we use the internet in the house. I have OpenDNS setup, but that doesn’t stop a determined addict, only the accidental viewing. I want to make sure that what I am proposing makes sense, is not overreacting, etc. 1) No More Streaming fro any site – We currently have Netflix, amazon, and Crackle. Though these sites do not stream hardcore porn, there are plenty of soft porn titles available. 2) No more internet on any mobile device – We currently all have Windows Phones, which x3watch does not support. I have to have internet on my phone for work, but everyone else’s can be cut off. 3) Run the internet with a “white list” – I have tried the filtering, and it just cannot stop a determined browser. He finds something. Instead, we will slowly build up a white list of sites we find safe. We can do this with OpenDNS and I can lock down the computers so that no one has admin rights and the networking information cannot be changed. This will be inconvenient at first, but less so as time goes on. 4) The hardest is actually the Steam gaming system. I am a gamer, and frankly, our whole family is. Steam has become part of our family ecosystem. For instance, there are nights where we will all play TF2 against each other. However, inside steam there are mods and or pictures of game mods which show nudity. I have looked and there is no way on Steams end to filter this out. This means we may all have to just give this up. I told my son all this last night and I saw a mixture of sadness and anger, which is no surprise. I have a great relationship with my teenagers, and want to continue this. However, I am willing to sacrifice having a “friendly” relationship for a little while if it benefits him being porn free in the long run. Finally, I have an open porn addiction(I have people I am accountable to) and know that this doesn’t help. Thanks all.

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