BLOG
Get insight, advice, and encouragement from our community of writers on the topics of porn addiction and sexual integrity.
Frequently Asked Questions.
My husband used to have a problem with porn, and I made it very clear to him that I was very uncomfortable with it. About 6 months ago, he finally stopped using porn, when I just broke down in front of him because I had caught him and he tried to lie to me. I just broke down and ended up making myself sick because I was so upset. He swears up and down that he doesn’t cheat, and that he doesn’t watch porn or anything anymore, but something still just doesn’t feel… honest. I found his meet me about a month ago, and was totally devastated, and I know the password he uses for everything and I saw the messages. He stopped before it went too far, but it still hurt because he had called 2 other women “cutie” and invited them to cuddle (which I know didn’t happen, given they’re from the UK and Tennessee). At first, he was totally dishonest with me, and tried to play me for dumb and say it was hacked, but he eventually just came out with the truth when I just stopped talking to him or acting like I care. Like I said, he swears up and down that he hasn’t cheated (besides that one instance of flirting), and that he hasn’t watched porn since he claimed he quit, but I just can’t believe him. Is it me, with trust issues? Or should I follow my gut feeling? Note, I am pregnant so my emotions are crazy, and I really do want to make this work, but it’s hard to believe it will when I feel like there’s no honesty.
No, it is not just you and your hormones or emotions. Your husband is clearly still being deceitful and still caught up in sexual sin regardless of the form.
He needs help now and my recommendation is to take it a step further than you did before. Did you call a pastor or trusted male godly friend? If not, do so. Actually— give him the choice– he calls or you do. And most importantly FOLLOW THROUGH.
He needs true accountability. He needs a filtering software on his computer and any smart phone device he has. It would be beneficial for him to sojourn with other guys who have or are dealing with this. X3groups would be a great place for that. We also have groups for spouses.
Best wishes to you dear one. I’m sure this is heartbreaking and the last thing you need to be dealing with in pregnancy.
My husband of 9 years (and 3 children) came clean about his pornography addiction almost a year ago. We have sought the help of Christian counselors who specialize in this area. He has almost completely conquered his addiction. And has not viewed porn for almost 1 year. While I am happy that he is living in the light and truth, my heart is totally broken. I am having a very hard time rebuilding trust. He blatantly lied to me (very well, I might add) on multiple occasions. In addition to not trusting him, I feel that he does not care to understand my heart. I have spent the past several moths reading and seeking out resources that describe how the male brain is wired and therefore why pornography is such an easy trap. He has also spent much time on himself and his healing. However, even though I have repeated expressed that I need him to understand how I work and the part of my self worth that has been attacked in direct response to his pornography used and lying… he will not and becomes suddenly passive. I want to heal. I want our marriage be redeemed. I want to experience true intimacy with him… but I just don’t know how. And now I am suddenly wondering is it even possible?
With all due respect to you, and with complete understanding of how hurtful this is because I have been there—- I am concerned that you are not letting go of an offense that your husband has come clean about AND is working towards being free from the bondage.
I remember the rage I felt inside knowing that the one person that I committed my entire life to and gave up chasing after all my “other dreams” for was choosing pornography over me / our marriage… repeatedly. The only difference it sounds like between your husband and mine is that mine never stopped. Mine never showed any fruit of repentance. A lifetime of habitual sin. He lost everything by choice and it cost me tremendously on so many levels. I’m only telling you this to qualify myself to answer your questions.
I had to come to a place of understanding that there is not any human being on the face of earth that is incapable of hurting me. No one is mistake-free. I had to search my own heart and really come clean with my own issues of idolatry to which I had made my husband one. That sounds tough to wrap your brain around but it’s true. I was placing my husband on the throne of my heart where only Jesus should be. I was expecting my husband to understand my pain like only Jesus really can. I was expecting my husband to somehow heal me and lead me to a place of trust and restoration. I was so wrong and I was making it all about me… what he was doing to me… how it made me feel… how I could never compete with the likes of what he was looking at… how it attacked my self worth… me me me me me me me.
If we are Christians… true Christians that believe the teaching of Jesus and are followers of that teaching then we need to drop the me. It is a hard truth that many turn from. If your husband has repented- and clearly there is fruit of that by what you have shared then you need to let go of the offense. You are still holding him in unforgiveness which means you are holding over him what God has forgiven him of. Trust takes time… that is OK… but to constantly dwell on the sin of the past is to keep yourself in prison. I would ask you what your prayer life and quiet time is like. Are you in the scriptures daily? Are you fellowshipping with other godly and bible-believing women? Have you thought about counseling just for you? You may also be interested in joining an X3groups for spouses. I am not saying that your pain is not valid. I am not saying that your husband shouldn’t be sensitive and compassionate to what this caused you– but I am saying that for you to stay there in constant thought about it is not healthy. My advice might be totally different if he wasn’t almost a year clean but he is and that is amazing! I would softly suggest that you try to focus on the victory.
I know that when your hurting, a response like this can make it seem so much worse— but I am thankful that someone cared enough about me to point me to the Truth. You are worth the investment of breaking free from the thoughts that are keeping you bound.
Best wishes
Is it wrong that my wife and I are both very passionate. We’ve been married for 4yrs, and we’re both faithful, but I’m a little sceptic on the frequency of our intimate moments. I don’t think having sex at least once or twice every day (some 4 times in a day) is normal.
If you and your wife are passionate for one another and you both desire sex daily then what is the problem? No, I don’t think it is the “norm” for married folks to be having sex sometimes 4 times in one day but again, if you both desire and are fulfilled by this then who is to say what is normal for you? I say GO FOR IT.
Now if you or she is feeling like there is a problem or there are outside influences etc. then it might be something to visit with a counselor.
Sign up for Weekly Encouragement and Advice
1. Add [email protected] to your address book
2. Mark your 1st email from us as NOT SPAM
PS. Find out how you can make sure our emails get to your inbox here.
Please provide your best contact information so we can send you the action plan. It's totally free.
We respect your privacy and never share your data.
