BLOG
Get insight, advice, and encouragement from our community of writers on the topics of porn addiction and sexual integrity.
Frequently Asked Questions.
The other day I was having a good talk with my boyfriend in the car about a message I’d had listen to earlier that day. When we got onto the topic of the different things we struggle with. I already knew lust and porn was something he was dealing with and trying to get over. He had covenant eyes on his phone and laptop, and had men keeping him accountable. But when I asked him how he had been doing I didn’t get the answer I wanted. He told me the last few weeks had be tough and he felt his desires getting worse. I know my boyfriend loves me and most of all he loves God. His heart is to please God and to get over this addiction. But he told me that the girls at school were starting to grab his attention and that he had been checking them out. As a girlfriend I did what any girlfriend would do. I began to ask questions ….. BAD IDEA!!!! so what did she look like? was it her butt you were looking at? was she skinnier then me? more beautiful? what were you thinking when you were looking? Like I said, bad idea because when I got the answers, I felt nothing but WORSE! I felt hurt, unwanted, NOT ENOUGH!!! He apologized and told me he had talk to his leader about it already and had order a book and him and some buddies were gonna do a Bible study/ small group thing to keep each other accountable. We’ve talked since and I’m not mad at him at all! Just hurt! We had been talking about engagement and marriage and now I’m scared! i don’t want to be 15 years into marriage and have to be worried about my husband watching porn! I 100% believe that who the son sets free is free indeed! I know that he will overcome this! I guess I just don’t know how to deal with the lies that come into my head about not being good enough! I know I can’t take it personal cause its not, BUT IT HURTS!!!! On top of all that when I was talking to my parents about it and my dad told me that he struggled with it and is occasionally tempted with it!
All that you experienced and struggled with is not uncommon. Unfortunately though all of those things are more about you than your boyfriend. Don’t hear that wrong. I am not saying what he is doing is right or acceptable. I am also not saying that it is your fault or has anything to do with you. It absolutely isn’t and doesn’t. But what I am saying is that your outbursts in making his struggle about you speaks volumes to insecurity and someone only looking inward and making it about them instead of about the struggle of the person who was just truthful with on everything you asked. I’m sure answering those questions were painful for him. He chose to be honest. That is commendable and a really good sign.
I do agree with your concern about discussing engagement and marriage if this is still an active struggle for him. It does not go away in marriage and actually tears more marriages apart. Steer clear of that until there is some fruit that remains in the area of freedom and purity from sexual sin.
I would say that as much as your boyfriend needs accountability, so do you. Accountability is a beautiful thing. You need to be encouraged to really find your worth in God and how to separate your boyfriend’s struggle with your insecurities and or worth.
My questions are endless -but I’ll start with the basics (and hey – when will there be a group for spouses…sign me up!) I am trying to walk the fine line of reducing my co-dependence and setting better boundaries with a full knowledge of God’s plan for me – while supporting my husband to get the help I think he needs. Married 15 years, three kids, affluent life in the suburbs – no physical intimacy and very little emotional intimacy for over 4 years. When I first figured out he was overusing porn and seeing prostitutes I believed his lies – that my excess baby weight made me unappealing and he was a “visual” person and he could stop if he wanted. After years of therapy for myself (he finds it a waste of time and money) and support from my church and friends I’ve come to understand that many of my body and food issues have been co-mingled with his in a co-dependent mess. But what is mine and what is his – feeling deserving of what I want emotionally and sensually – if he still thinks he ‘doesn’t have a problem” am I still to hold onto my belief that God wants more for both of us?? I’ve got SO many questions and could use some more help!
First of all, I am sorry that you are dealing with this in your marriage. Second, there is a group for spouses and I think it would be great for you. I have someone reaching out to you from our team about that through email but for further info please visit X3groups.com
Honestly, you sound pretty darn healthy emotionally and spiritually in spite of the betrayal in your marriage. I think it is wise to continue to seek godly counsel and direction for this and for your marriage. Hopefully your husband will catch up.
Setting boundaries is wise but it’s also a delicate issue in marriage. Townsend & Cloud offer a variety of Boundaries books and I recommend them highly. This is another area that a small group will help you with accountability for you. Often times a spouse will only look at their mate’s flaws and never see their own so I commend you for digging deep and looking within to see what drives you to seek our your own sin issues. Healing comes through revelation and then follow through. It sounds like you have the revelation, you are owning your own part and now you are following through. Good for you!!
Lastly another book that I think is solid and deals specifically with a spouse in habitual sexual sin is Laurie Hall’s “An Affair of the Mind”
Best wishes to you, dear one.
I am currently on the road to recovery from a 11 year sexual addiction, but hitting some road blocks in my marriage sex life. Because of my overactive imagination I don’t trust my mind with any sexual thoughts which has led me to shut off my sexuality and desire for sex. This has created issues in my marriage. So, I asking for any advice on how to turn my sexuality away from sin and towards my wife?
An undisciplined thought life for so many years definitely has consequences– even when we turn from our sin, there is an abundance of aftermath and you can’t rebuke a harvest once it is standing BUT… you can one day at a time cut it down. Renew your mind by the washing of the Word of God and putting in place a new way of living (romans 12:2 and Ephesians 4:22-24) With regards to withholding sexual relations from your wife (and yourself in marriage): there are psychologists and addiction specialists who will say that a period of abstinence is necessary to slow down the momentum of the mindset of this addiction and to ‘retrain’ yourself to reconnect spiritually and with your spouse… The bible says this:
1 Corinthians 7:1-7 Concerning Married Life
7 Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7 I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.
We have an abundance of resources here and I think a really good series for you both to go through is the Best Sex Life Now series. It is all about communication in and out of the bedroom and there are others who have experienced this in their marriage who share their experience and hope in bonus sessions!
Sign up for Weekly Encouragement and Advice
1. Add [email protected] to your address book
2. Mark your 1st email from us as NOT SPAM
PS. Find out how you can make sure our emails get to your inbox here.
Please provide your best contact information so we can send you the action plan. It's totally free.
We respect your privacy and never share your data.
