Frequently Asked Questions.
I’ve uncovered my dad’s stash of porn on his iPad several years ago. The past month, I came up to my mom and asked if she knew. She said she did and told me that my dad has been trying to repent but has always slipped back to his old ways. It pains me to see him this way, so helpless, but my mom told me not to tell anyone. Other than praying, what can I do?
First of all, I think you are an awesome son or daughter. Being pained about someone else’s struggles and sin is a trademark of compassion.
I think if your mom told you not to tell anyone else then you need to respect that. Your dad apparently told her or she confronted him and it sounds like they are working on it. Have you thought about talking to your dad directly?
We have so many resources in the GET HELP section that you could share with him!
Hey xxx church,
I have been dating my girlfriend for two months. I told her of my struggles with porn and masturbation before we even dated and told her I wanted to respect her in every way and that i would stop. I have messed up and told her on one occasion about masturbating, which she took ok she was upset but not angry.
Then i messed up again which involved Instagram which I recently deleted. She was irate and infuriated. Which is understandable it’s disrespectful and I hate that I struggle with this, for both of our sakes. But she some of her reaction upset me and hurt me. She told me I didn’t deserve her, or her body, which I get and understand. And partially agree with. Then she asked how much grace I needed because she doesn’t have much more but I’ve only told her once about messing up previously.
I have messed up after this interaction and haven’t told her because I felt demeaned and almost punished.
I guess my question is. Is she right to say these things even if I feel belittled?
No I don’t want to be praised for my faults I understand she will be upset but how much do i take before its disrespect to me? And where is that line? How do I open up communication with her about this where it turns into a conversation and not a fight. My goal is to not keep anything from her ever. I want to marry this girl. I want to honor and respect her. Please help.
There are two parts to this.
1) your sin will have consequences
2) the grace of Christ.
I don’t think anyone should ever limit grace. I get that we are all human but holding sin over another is just outright wrong.
We have seen so many times that girlfriends and wives of men who struggle tend to make it about themselves rather than the actual battle that their men are in. This does not negate your responsibility or your actions but just stating a fact. If this girl wants to be in a relationship with you and you’ve been honest about your struggles, she needs to step up to the plate too and know that by staying in this relationship (she made that choice) she also has a responsibility. It is not to be passive and condoning of the sin in your life but rather to champion you on and continue to allow the fruit of your repentance to be seen. If you continue to abuse that grace then she has the option to leave the relationship but to belittle or demean is not acceptable in my opinion.
I would also encourage you to offer the same grace to her as she works through this as you expect from her. 😉
I do think that you may need to bring someone else into this. A pastor, a counselor, a good, solid, unbiased friend. Consider reading the book OPEN to know exactly what true accountability in a relationship should look like.
My boyfriend admitted that he looked at porn a couple of times a month ago. He told me right when it happened. He apologized and put up blockers on his computer and phone and has accountability with other men. I am not sure why it is affecting me so much but I cannot stop thinking that I am not good enough or that he is always looking at other girls. I know he dealt with it correctly but I can’t keep thinking of him poorly in my mind. How do I restore my view of him? I know it is now my own insecurities causing me pain but how do I become confident again?
It sounds like you have a better understanding of this than you may realize.
You said “I know it is now my own insecurities causing me pain but how do I become confident again?”
I would say that the best way to combat your own insecurities is to take your eyes off of yourself, off of your boyfriend and put them on Jesus. When we compare ourselves to the world and the lies we will always be disappointed, jealous, envious, angry and bitter. But when we measure ourselves against the Cross, we should be humbled. Completely humbled. It is hard to raise ourselves above others and look down on them when we are looking at ourselves in comparison to the Cross.
I would also suggest that you are proactive in your own encouragement and building yourself up by reading some good reads: Captivating by Stasi Eldridge is a good place to start.