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Get insight, advice, and encouragement from our community of writers on the topics of porn addiction and sexual integrity.
Frequently Asked Questions.
My husband andI have been married almost 2 years and we have been together for 3. Last month on March 8 he cheated on me with a female acquaintance of ours. We had been having problems before then. 2 days later he confessed to me what he had done. He cried out to God and begged His forgiveness as well as mine. God commands us to forgive and after many nights in quiet prayer I forgave my husband and the woman he slept with. My husband has always been addicted to porn and it has always been an issue with us. After he cheated on me I believed the addiction to porn would go away since my husband said he broken over his sin. Sadly, I was wrong. I asked him late last week of he has been watching porn and after lying to me the first time he admitted that he had been watching it. I asked him when he started again and he claimed a week ago. My husband does not have a smart phone. He has a little tiny prepaid flip phone. But he does have a tablet. I asked him if I needed to pass lock my phone so that he does not have readily access to my wifi hotspot. He shrugged and said “I don’t know”. I asked him if he thought reading scripture every time he got the urge to watch porn would help. He shrugged and said “I don’t know”. I’m extremely hurt and upset that he would go back to the porn after cheating on me. I’m not sure what to do to help him with his addiction because it seems like he doesn’t want to stop watching it. It’s hurtful, degrading to me, and a slap in the face after cheating on me. Am I over reacting to this? How do I help him over come this addicrion? What am I supposed to do?
Sadly sex addiction (sexual strongholds) don’t usually just go away. There is a process of repentance that we find in the scriptures. Your husband should be bearing the fruit of repentance and that just is not evident. It is in my opinion that there is nothing you can do to get him to care about his own condition— you can’t ultimatum it, you can’t wish it for him, you can’t push him towards it, you can’t find freedom for him. He has to want it himself and he has to want it more than he wants the pleasure of the sin. You have your answer with his ” I don’t know” responses.
There is a lot of help available to him IF HE wants it. There is help available to you whether your husband ever steps up to the plate or not. XXXchurch has an entire section devoted to the spouse.
I would also recommend a book called Boundaries and Boundaries in Marriage if you haven’t read them. These books will help you not take on your husband’s stuff. I remember the lightbulb going off for me when the author asked “Is your helping him really helping him (as in to change for the better) or is it harming him (allowing him to stay where he is because you do all the work and take on all the consequences).
My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years were engaged but we have been having sex for the majority of our relationship. He was unfaithful at the beginning before we had sex and after I gave my virginity to him he continued to cheat on me for a couple of months. I found out a year later and decided to forgive it and move forward. I was a Christian but ever since I had sex I left The Lord because I felt like a hypocrite going to God knowing I’m sinning. I talked to my fiancée and told him that I want to be abstinant until marriage because I want to be right with God and our relationship to be blessed, since then he’s acting different being mean and saying that I never liked having sex with him and that it never meant a lot and that he needs to have sex with me to show me he loves me. I don’t understand how that works, I love him with or without that and I’ve shown him in different ways how much he means to me, I’m afraid he will cheat on me again because we don’t have sex. He struggles with lust and has not been abstinant since he lost his virginity and makes it hard for me to stay strong and not have sex because he talks about it a lot and when I don’t respond he gets mad, I need help I don’t know why he’s acting his way or if I should be afraid ..
These questions are hard for me because I automatically just want to say “RUN”. It’s easier for me to say that because I am not emotionally invested or biased based on that investment.
Anytime someone puts a guilt trip on you to get you to conform to what they want there is definitely a problem– ESPECIALLY if it is SEX. I would highly recommend you read Boundaries in Dating as I think it will answer many of your questions and probably cause you to have to answer some as well.
I would definitely pay attention to your discernment. This man has proven that he is not trustworthy and it sounds like he may even have a sexual addiction problem. People can definitely change and you can definitely forgive but to move on in the relationship should be dependent on his walking out repentance and by the sound of it that has not happened yet.
You may also want to seek out a counselor who can really help you to discern with wisdom. Someone who can be a sounding board and help guide you with the next steps.
My teacher who is a certified psychiatrist and therapist ( he has a license) and is very knowledgeable said that hardcore pornography is not good for us (things like gang rape) but that certain types of porn are healthy for people, as it Is used in treating couples with sexual dysfunctions. Learning about that caused a new struggle within me. I had been off of masturbating for about three months but I began to doubt the negative effects of porn and fell back into it. I still feel that even “soft” porn is harmful to me because it has a domino effect as I have learned from experience. I know that I will need increasingly more hard core porn in order to find satisfaction in the future. I started with a picture but I am afraid I will continue toward old ways. Can you please give me some discernment here?
I think your discernment is pretty good:
I still feel that even “soft” porn is harmful to me because it has a domino effect as I have learned from experience. I know that I will need increasingly more hard core porn in order to find satisfaction in the future.
I don’t know what more to say because this really says it all.
Porn is Porn
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