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Get insight, advice, and encouragement from our community of writers on the topics of porn addiction and sexual integrity.
Frequently Asked Questions.
Well, I grew up in a large Christian family, when I was little, I always saw my dad watching porn,and to this day he is still addicted to it. When I was six, my mom divorced him because of his drinking problem and his porn addiction and he was a little on the abusive side. Well, I met my husband when I was 16, I got pregnant, and a year and a half later we got married. i never realized how much porn he watches until a couple months ago. We used to have sex at least 5-6 days a week at now only a couple times and it doesn’t last very long sometimes. I confronted him about him watching porn and at first he told me “its just porn its not like I’m cheating” and that whole convo was a fail. Well a month ago, I explained to him about how I grew up and how porn had interfered with my mom and dad’s marriage and how badly of an effect it has. And I explained to him that it really hurts me that he pleasures himself while watching naked women online. It makes me feel like I’m not good enough for him. Well he admitted that he was wrong for what he did and he promised me that he wouldn’t watch it anymore. I forgave him. Now, he has broken his promise and he’s sneaking behind my back watching porn on his iPad. I found it on there yesterday and he had hidden the bottle of lube that was in his underwear drawer, in the closet in his bag of old stuff. I just want this to end. I’m not angry at him. I’m just hurt and I’m lost. He has been skipping sex all week, and masturbating to porn instead. We used to have an amazing sex life and I’m always open to trying new things with him. I don’t know what to do anymore.
This is the problem with porn… it usually escalates. Once a habitual pattern occurs, rarely (if ever) do we see it just go away. It’s obviously a problem if he is now using porn instead of having regular sex with his wife. Some common misconceptions is that the wife must be a prude– or motherly– or overweight- or ___________. But the truth of the matter is that it has nothing to do with the wife in that she is not responsible for her husband’s actions or choices. That being said it is extremely difficult to not take it personally when your spouse is giving away what solely belongs to you. I’m sorry. I would bet this was going on before you were even married. SO, what can you do? You can work on you and your responses and the direction God is calling you in in all of this whether or not your husband steps up to the plate and gets serious about putting this behind him or not.
We have may resources for the spouse/significant other- We also recommend the online community of Partners For Purity. There is a book called An Affair of the Mind by Laurie Hall that I think is one of the best books out there for a wife… especially a Christian wife.
God bless you dear one as you journey what the next steps are.
My 23 year old daughter has been developing a relationship with a boy over the past 2-3 years. They became more serious in the past year and have been discussing marriage. His parents, my wife and I support their goals about purity with each other and I believe they have stayed within their self-decided boundaries. (Both families are believers and both attended different Christian colleges. They initially met as staff members at a summer camp.) A few days ago, he called and what I thought was going to be to ask permission to marry my daughter was a confession that he has been struggling with Pornography since Jr. High. Apparently in an interview for a position he was asked about any areas of struggle that he was having that the leadership should be aware of prior to his arrival. He told them this issue. That day he called his to dad to tell him and then a couple days later called and told me. I kept my cool and believe was supportive, but am struggling with what ways I can help him versus wanting to “get my daughter away from him”. (He asked if I could continue to date my daughter and while I told him yes, I also said I reserved the right to change my mind in the future.) OK, so I’m mostly concerned that as they move forward (she wants to help him) that I can (1) help get him support from the proper place and people who understand this and (2) protecting my daughter who I’m concerned might end up in a co-dependent relationship. At this point he has given her total administrative control of his electronics. Suggestions and Advice.
Concerned Father
Dear Concerned Father,
How awesome is it that your daughter’s boyfriend was brutally honest with a struggle that he has battled and no doubt has suffered a great deal of regret and shame for a long time. He took the risk to tell the truth knowing it could cost him his job, his relationship with your daugther and with you. Wow… I’m impressed! I don’t think anyone does that unless they are serious about pursuing freedom!
As a parent myself, I absolutely understand and applaud your concern for your daughter and you’ve hit it head on. She cannot monitor or police or control this for him— that actually can make it so much worse and the end result is that they’ll both be miserable and spent.
He needs men in his life to be his accountability partners and to receive his accountability reports (she can receive reports too but the men should be the ones holding his feet to the fire so to speak). I highly recommend that he get involved in with one of our X3groups and that they both get some counseling (pure life ministries offers a great program for both men and women) and she should spend some time in our spouses section even though they are not married to see what kind of commitment it takes and whether she can sign up for that or not.
I’ve seen some great stories of restoration and redemption so hang in there with this guy if you can and give the fruit a chance to ripen. You’ll know if he’s bearing fruit that remains or not in time.
Hey I’ve been struggling with porn for a long time. Its been a off and on thing. One time when I was struggling I found your site. I love what u guys do. I was doing good for a while, your site helped. But recently my addiction has been harder. Thanks to people around me I now have accountability, and the programs on my electronocs. My question is how can you guys go to adult conventions and preach God without falling o your flesh? I’m just curious.
Great question! The easy answer is Jesus but here are a few thoughts:
1) This type of outreach isn’t for everyone.
2) No one is teflon & we realize that so accountability is a big must.
Ultimately we rely on God and try to make sure our teams are made up of people who have a lot of strength in this area of their lives.
Is there a guarantee that people won’t succumb to lust? No
Is there a possibility that someone could end up going home and looking at porn after? Yes
But we do our best to prevent this from happening by concentrating on a countability, focusing on Jesus, and having open conversations throughout the whole process so no one feels alone if they so struggle at some point.
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