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Get insight, advice, and encouragement from our community of writers on the topics of porn addiction and sexual integrity.
Frequently Asked Questions.
I’m a girl and I struggle with masturbation and porn. I’ve tried to stop for years and will be successful for awhile but will always slide back. I know this is a common struggle for men…but I don’t hear of many girls who struggle with masturbation in particular. Are there any resources or suggestions you have?
We have an entire section of resources for women who struggle with sex/porn addiction.
My husband and I have only been married four months. We didn’t date terribly long before that but we have known one another for several years. We have a very strong marriage however I’ve struggled with my weight and acceptance of myself. He knows these insecurities and we have gone through a Christian ministry which helped us both a lot. We have sex a couple times a week sometimes more and he tells me often how much he loves me. He is a new Christian and I knew that most of his adulthood he had looked at porn (he is 29 now). He was specifically attracted to “gang bang” porn because of the control of it he says. He never had a cell phone and we don’t have internet but he used to have a DVD or two that he watched before we were married which he got rid of on his own. However he recently got a smart phone and I caught him looking at porn several timesin the day along with nude photos … most of it was stuff he looked at while we were together hanging out and I didn’t realize he was looking at that stuff. His reaction was “it is just porn, it isn’t like I’m going to sleep with these people.” To me I feel cheated on. As if I weren’t enough. I’ve since read plenty of christian articles on the subject and I realize it really has little to nothing to do with me. He doesn’t quite see why it is a problem until I sent him some articled on it and he then said he didn’t realize it had such an effect on marriage. He has since apologized and reached out to our associate pastor for help and they are working on his accountability. I’m very thankful he chose to do that. However I am so hurt and afraid that this won’t stop. I fear this will open doors to adultery in physical ways. I do not want to nag him about it or punish him. I want to encourage him to move past it but I feel that if I let my guard down and forgive, he will think it is play to just continue. It has only been a couple of days and I am really struggling. I am trying not to be irrational but I feel my trust in him is broken. We are also expecting a baby in July and perhaps that is making this harder for me. I dont know how to be more attractive for him or how to be confident as his wife. I just don’t know how to deal here!
Before I begin I want to let you know I am a woman on team here. I am also a wife who has been where you are. I preface with this so that you know I am not some guy answering your concerns from a male perspective because I think some of what I am going to say may be really hard for you to hear. But I want you to know if I didn’t care, I wouldn’t be here giving myself to help you and others like you and me. Did I say I’ve been there?
First, I want to say that I am deeply sorry you are going through this in your marriage. It is not an easy road to walk with someone bound by sexual sin.
You shared that you knew your husband struggled with this all of his life which means two things. 1. That God showed it to you before you chose to marry him. 2. Your husband trusted you enough to be honest with you about his lifelong battle.
You shared that you have struggled with your weight and accepting yourself. That tells me two things. 1. Your husband knew this but loved you regardless and married you anyway- so clearly your issue doesn’t make him see you any differently. 2. Your own self image and insecurity issues are magnifying your husband’s battle and you are in turn making it more about you than about him (even though you’ve read otherwise).
You said you are having regular sex- several times a week and that your husband tells you he loves you often. This tells me that your husband is still turning to you and not just to himself for self-fulfillment. I’m not sure if you are aware but the majority of women we hear from who have husband’s struggling with porn addiction tell us that they rarely have sex because their husbands are ‘spending themselves’ elsewhere.
You also mentioned that your husband is a new believer and once you shared with him articles about how porn hurts marriages he actually received it- apologized and was willing to go straight to a pastor and get some help and accountability. Incredible. I hope you praised God and your husband over and over again for this because women wait for years and sometimes don’t ever see this happen with their husbands.
Here is the part I really want to address:
You said “However I am so hurt and afraid that this won’t stop. I fear this will open doors to adultery in physical ways. I do not want to nag him about it or punish him. I want to encourage him to move past it but I feel that if I let my guard down and forgive, he will think it is play to just continue. It has only been a couple of days and I am really struggling. I am trying not to be irrational but I feel my trust in him is broken.“
I undertand trust and intimacy being broken by what is seemingly defiling the marriage bed (on your husband’s part). I’m not giving him a free pass or making any excuses for him but I am going to tell you as a sister in Christ that focusing on fear and all the “what if this happens” is going to destroy your marriage JUST as much as his porn use.
We wives often don’t see our own selfishness and our own sin. We make it all about our feelings, our being betrayed, our broken trust etc. When what if we turned that around and offered forgiveness where forgiveness was sought? What if we handed our hearts and our pain over to to Jesus and left it- truly left it at the cross trusting God with it, with the outcome, with purifying our hearts in the process. What if we instead went to battle spiritually for our husband’s seeing this for what it really is? Our men are BOMBARDED everywhere they go! If it is not some woman dressed inappropriately at church, it is the magazines laying all over the place in the doctors office or where he takes his car for an oil change or the store he goes to buy a new pair of jeans, slacks or underwear. The television commercials today are raunchy let alone regular cable television— there is no where for them to escape the mental images displayed EVERYWHERE. What if we prayed for their eyes, for their minds? What if we prayed for their purpose and their destiny? What if we chose to speak life and believe God for them?
Lastly- I want to compare your weight problem to your husband’s addiction to porn. I know I might get bashed for that but I’m going there… you know why? Because I struggle with my weight too!! I know the battle in everyday choices! You can’t escape food– it is the center of most social gatherings- there are more poor choices on menus when eating out than there are good ones- it is a fight everyday to take the time to do the right thing (eat the right way) then it is to grab something quick and easy that tastes good. Guess what? Your husband is fighting the same battle but it is with porn. Sound far fetched? I really don’t think it is. I bet he feels just as guilty and as bad after he consumes it as you do after you consume something that you know is going to defeat your desires to get healthy! So let’s choose mercy. For our husbands and for ourselves.
There is a great book that I think can really help you. It is called “An Affiar of the Mind” by Laurie Hall. Please also check out the resources we have for the spouse as well as the community of women at Partners for Purity.
You’ve got a new life coming into the world soon. Be joyful. Be excited. Don’t let the enemy rob you of the joy in this season. Your husband sounds like a really good guy who is taking the right steps. If he slips up along the way try to show mercy. God can help you.
I wish you the best.
I have been struggling with pornography for years and very early on, I made a decision (stupid though it may be) that I would not violate my marriage covenant and became involved in same sex porn. Yes, I know it doesn’t make sense but I was struggling with porn and looked for a rationale to protect my marriage. Now I find myself tremendously addicted and don’t know what to do . The easy thing to say is just “stop.” But it isn’t this easy as you know. I need help. Is the same sex a regular/normal happening — am I really that messed up? BTW, I know I am a sinner and that messed up!
sex addiction- porn addiction is sex addiction-porn addiction! Whether it is hetero porn or gay porn. porn is porn.
You said you need help. There is a lot of help available but you’ve got to pursue it and you need accountability. We’ve been here for 12 years and we have yet to hear from someone who overcame this by themselves.
Check out all of our resources available to you. If you really think you are struggling with same sex attraction or homosexuality there is a blog on our site that you might find helpful.
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