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Get insight, advice, and encouragement from our community of writers on the topics of porn addiction and sexual integrity.
Frequently Asked Questions.
Hi, my wife and I have been married for a couple of years now and I love her dearly. Lately though, it’s been 3-4 or more days between us having sex. And as a person seeking 100% freedom from any form of pornography, this has been pretty rough on me. She doesn’t seem to be in the mood very often and when I’ve brought it up about if there’s anything I could do to help that or if I’m not doing something right, she says it’s not me and that she doesn’t want it as much. It’s driving me nuts! Before we got married, and we did our best to abstain, she was seemingly always in the mood. And since we’ve gotten married, it’s declined in frequency and my temptation to look at porn has increased. I know I’m not alone in this and would seriously like some advice from some of you married fellas. Is masturbating ok? I’m not talking about looking at porn or anything. Just easing the tension between times. If not, I’m not sure what else to do because I feel very frustrated and don’t know what to do. My wife and I didn’t go through pre-marital counseling and we probably should have but if I would have known how in frequent we would be having sex, that would have been an issue for me. I’m not saying I want my wife to be wanting it multiple times a day or anything but when we do have sex, it seems planned and sometimes forced. Like GET to have sexy but there’s not really much passion to it. No sexy lingerie or anything like that. And the weird thing is that I make sure that I take care of her and (hopefully this isn’t too personal, she has an orgasm almost every time we have sex. Tonight, she told me she wasn’t in the mood and basically offered the equivalent of a pitty screw and I declined. I told her that us both being in our mid 20’s, it’s crazy for us to only be having sex once or twice a week. We should be going at it like crazy right? I mean… We are still newly weds for cryin out loud. I’m just tired of always being the initiate and wanting some passion and fire in our sex life. I was a virgin til I was 19 but sometimes, I feel like she approaches sex like someone much younger than we are. Not a lot of confidence even though I tell her she’s beautiful and sexy. If I was to come home and she was waiting for me in lingerie or something, I’d about lose it. Haha but time and time again, I have to bring it up and never her. Anyways, please give me some advice. I just don’t know what else to do. The temptation to look at porn is getting pretty strong and especially when my wife is seemingly never in the mood. Please help!
Thanks for the questions.
Understand that your questions are very common, especially among men who are struggling with pornography. That beings said, our response is in your best interest and not a condemnation and while much of this response is for your benefit it may apply in some ways to your wife as well.
We believe that what you have here is by in large a perception problem. In other words, when we operate from an incomplete understanding of sex, intimacy, etc. we are prone to come up with faulty conclusions.
First, realize that God created sex for two primary reasons, procreation and intimacy building between a man and wife. And while sex certainly satisfies our physical needs, that’s a byproduct of sex and not the purpose for it. When we see sex as a “physical needs meeter” we objectify it and those we have sex with. In a marital situation, when your spouse feels that you are looking at her as a way to get your physical needs met she will often withdraw from you rather than be drawn to you. Women want to be cherished and valued, not used (which is how she may perceive the way you treat her even if that’s not your intentions).
Second, if your spouse knows or even suspects you have a pornography issue this can certainly impact the bedroom. There are many reasons for this including anger, resentment, etc. but often if women feel like they are “competing” with porn stars for you attention they may feel a profound lack of self confidence which will lessen their desire for physical intimacy. It will take time and patience, but often men see an increase in sex when trust is restored to marriage because of a spouse’s complete recovery from pornography usage.
Third, like most men, clearly your “love language” is touch. In other words you feel loved when she expresses herself through physical intimacy. However, her love language may be something else like gifts, affirmation, or service (i.e. doing the dishes). Unlike men who are very physically motivated creatures, women are driven by romance. Romance means meeting her “needs” which you can do by speaking her “love language” better. Think of it this way, if you both spoke different languages and kept telling each other you loved each other in the end you would both feel frustrated and unloved because neither of you are speaking the other’s language they can understand and appreciate. Here is more on love language if you’re interested. .
Regarding masturbation, I would talk about this with your wife but generally we wouldn’t recommend masturbation as a means for satisfying your physical needs. If masturbation serves as replacement for your wife then it will definitely impact your marriage in a negative way (especially if you are using porn or thoughts of other women to get you where you need to be if you know what I mean). The big question with this point is this … would masturbation increase your intimacy or would it damage it? If it’s not building intimacy then it is just serving as a form of self-medication and that’s not healthy.
Lastly, appreciate the fact that sex twice a week is actually a sign of a healthy marriage in most cases. While more frequent sex may certainly be desired, twice a week isn’t awful by any stretch. The important thing you need to ask yourself is why you want it as much as you do? Do you desire true intimacy that much with your wife or is sex serving some other function like “self medication.” If you are replacing pornography with spousal sex to “self-medicate” in stressful situations, etc. then you have only solved half the problem. Yes, you are abstaining from porn (which is great) but you are still not addressing the roots of your sexual addiction. In order to have lasting freedom from porn you need to find real change and not just resort to behavior modification.
I hope some of this helps. You may want to talk to your pastor about some counseling if you think that will help. Also, share with your wife how you are struggling with all of this & let her know her actions “make you feel” and not “whats wrong” with them. Things can get better. You need to be patient and serve your wife first. While things will take time, you will see improvement if you spend more time investing in her needs and less time worrying about yours.
My son, age 7 almost 8, whom I have begun a light weighted conversations with about girls and culture and music (the talk). He likes hip hop, for the sound, but some music is just dripping with broken sexuality. Without killing his spirit on the stuff he likes I have tried to be transparent as to why I won’t let him listen to certain songs, which I feel he gets it….he has a good heart and so he is not interested in disrespect for women or men….It has been good. It is per yawls advice. So it is not a primary conversation with us (“the talk” that is) however I feel like he is more comfortable now as result of it, and that a barrier has been removed, that somehow got placed on my 7 year old. (he is growing up in 2 different homes, orTV or something). But check this out…. the other night after baths and stuff he asked me “when am I gonna get hair on my…(privates)?” he actually said “balls?” (sorry if that is too much information). So that is a “win,” Right? I can’t not remember ever being comfortable asking my dad that question or anything. Or would I want to hear his crazy answers. I laughed as a result of first hearing and he did too. When he asked me “why I was laughing” I just told him because “I was really happy that he could ask me personal stuff like that.” So is it a win? and do you have any advice for me helpful insights? You are great asset to the Church. You are in my prayers. Thanks for being there and helping me to stay pure and a better father.
I would say that anytime our kids are comfortable enough to be transparent- asking us the questions that are floating around in their heads instead of trying to figure them out on their own or by seeking the answers from somewhere or someone else is definitely a WIN.
I have recently found porn on my husbands phone and on our home computer. It even charged our back account 5 $40. I trying nicely asking about it cause it was heavy on my heart and he lied to me and made up a story to why he didn’t do it, even though I let him know I saw his emails from his account sent to the websites to cancel is subscription. It deeply shattered my trust and makes me question everything. I even talked to him about it when he brought it up but all he could say was he didn’t do it and he needs me to trust him. I don’t know what to do. I am telling it to get out of my house and am praying it will leave cause it has no place in my marriage but I’m stuck. I don’t wanna have sex with him cause I’m so hurt and afriad of being hurt more. I don’t know how to help him stop if he can’t admit he has a problem and I refuse to let this break up my marriage. Please help me.
First, let me say that my heart goes out to you. I’ve personally been where you are and it is a pretty crappy place to be. While it is heartbreaking when a wife discovers her husband’s addiction, infatution (whatever you want to call it) with porn– it’s doubly traumatic when the spouse lies and essentially mocks his mate saying she needs to “trust him” which causes her more confusion and to question her own sanity thus trusting him even less. (Like I said- I’ve been on that roller-coaster ride)
Now that I have established that I believe what your spouse is doing is wrong- I want to point you in a direction that will set you up for a win! Because there is nothing you can do to change another person and because you cannot control their choices there is only one thing in my opinon you (a Christian wife) can do and that is to run to God. Repeatedly. Saturate yourself in prayer. Saturate your husband in prayer. I know you are doing this but be sure you are praying the WORD and not just what your heart wants. Be sure that you are including Psalm 51 for yourself and not just your husband. Often times when we are hurt by a spouses outright, blatant sin we tend to make it bigger than our own (perhaps discreet) sins. Witholding sex from your husband may exacerbate the problem(s) in your marriage. I understand that the thought of him holding you and making love to you when you know he has been naked in his mind with other women makes you sick (Did I say I’ve been there?) but God can really help you to overcome in this area. There are a few recommendations I have for you:
I hope these things will help you. I’ve said a prayer for you today.
-Michelle
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