Questions

During a heated argument about our sex life my husband told me he had watched porn and masterbated. He said it was my fault and I’m starting to believe him. I was raped at a young age (thats how my virginity was taken and I am currently in counseling seeking healing) and I just dont view sex in a healthy way. I often feel truly desired but rather like a conquest for male sexual gratification. My husband makes me feel like a body and our sex life isn’t at all romantic. He is usually yelling at me or telling me what to do. I usually push myself as I cry or just close my eyes and pretend I’m somewhere else. Other times I just don’t let him touch me. My body literally cringes. He says he watched porn because I always deny him. We have sex at least once a week (I just gave birth two months ago) but that isn’t enough. I want to be more open to him but knowing he watched porn and is so insensitive when it comes to sex and my body makes it hard and at times unbearable. I feel as though maybe he is right about his porn watching being my fault. I don’t know what to do.

About six weeks ago I discovered that my husband has been viewing porn. I’d walk into the room and he’d close his laptop quickly. He’d nap in the evenings and then stay up late at night on his computer. These things made me suspicious until I finally checked his internet history to see what was so interesting to him. I found all kinds of filth and it dated back as far as the computer recorded. I asked to talk with him. I told him how much I loved him and then I confronted him about his porn. He glared at me with hatred in his eyes. He remained silent. I asked him how long this had been going on and he said a long time. He never said he was sorry. (He never acted sorry) He never acknowledged that it was wrong. He claims to be a Christian. He attends church on Sundays mornings with me but is otherwise not engaged in his faith. I teach Sunday School, sing in the choir, and am on the worship team. I love the Lord with my whole heart. I don’t know what to do. I met with our pastor and talked with him a couple of times. My husband has been very withdrawn. When he does speak it is with an angry tone. He accuses me of all kinds of things I’ve never done. He said I love the church more than I love him. I responded that the Lord is first in my life and has been since before we met (We’ve been married 27 years). I told him that I love him very much and that I am completely committed to him. I got no response. I don’t know how much longer I can continue to live in a home that is hostile environment. I am struggling to see God at work in this situation. I know I have grown in my faith the last 6 weeks but that happens when tossed in the middle of a spiritual battle. What do I do? He refuses to have any monitoring software put on his laptop but has told me he won’t do it any more. ( I told him he had to choose porn or me) He is completely cold to me. He sleeps on the couch. He barely looks at me and barely speaks to me. He treats me like I’m the one who did something wrong. I am trying to salvage our marriage but how do you do that when everything is one-sided? I asked him to go with me and get counseling from our pastor. He said absolutely not. Our pastor has been very supportive but it is a rural church and he is the only pastor of about 250 people. I feel guilty taking up too much of his time talking about my marriage problems. I have no other support. I don’t think I can trust anyone else to tell this secret to. I’m lonely, frustrated, hurt, etc…. I am trying to trust the Lord but it’s hard sometimes. What do I do?

My husband and I have been married 5 1/2 years now. Before that we dated for 4 years. We have also been good friends and known each other since I was 11. When we were in our early dating years, he confessed that he was addicted to porn. So I offered to help him overcome it in any way I could. Once we were physically intimate with each other (about 1 year later) he said that being with me fulfilled all his sexual desires and fantasies and that he no longer was addicted to porn. He told me he only ever watched porn to feel loved and now he was with me and experiencing actual love that he no longer needed IT. Fast forward 4 years and we have been married 2 1/2 years when I finally ask about porn so much that he finally admits he is still addicted. I had a feeling for a long time this was the case- and any time I confronted him about it, he vehemently denied it. So, hearing this I was crushed. I have never felt the same again- never felt good enough or important enough for him. Now we have blocked websites and set up “roadblocks” as much as we can but he still slips up every 6 months or however long. However, he does not think that it is a problem that involves me or one that should hurt me. We are both Christians and have a strong Christian faith. I have been supportive and loving and forgiving yet every time I hear that he watches it, I feel so devastated and defeated. It hurts me so much. Does his porn addiction affect me? I believe that since we are married then his sexual life is mine and vice versa. Am I wrong? Am I wrong to feel hurt? Does his porn addiction affect me? And how does that porn addiction with him relate to me and our relationship? He knows it’s wrong morally and wants to stop. However, he does not think that it has ANYTHING to do with me and that I am only choosing to impose myself on the situation by being hurt. Is his looking at porn any different than him sinning in another way- what I mean by that is if he lies or sins in a way that has nothing to do with me, like lying to another human about something unrelated to me, is that the same as his looking at porn? I hope that makes sense. I feel like sexual issues in marriage are different than most other ones since they involve His sex life which is the same as OUR sex life. I feel like we are more connected in that way. I just need some help and encouragement. I fear that I will be dealing with this for the entirety of our marriage and that thought makes me so depressed and hopeless. That’s not a marriage I want. I don’t want to always worry about him watching other women. Divorce isn’t an option. And I know that my job is to love, support, encourage, and forgive. But I also know I’m doing that in so many ways in our marriage, over and over and I don’t know the line between being a loving Christian wife and allowing him to freely do what he wants without consequence to our relationship. It’s just hard to take, over and over. I feel hurt, betrayed, and worthless every time it happens.