Questions

Frequently Asked Questions.

My fiancée

My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years were engaged but we have been having sex for the majority of our relationship. He was unfaithful at the beginning before we had sex and after I gave my virginity to him he continued to cheat on me for a couple of months. I found out a year later and decided to forgive it and move forward. I was a Christian but ever since I had sex I left The Lord because I felt like a hypocrite going to God knowing I’m sinning. I talked to my fiancée and told him that I want to be abstinant until marriage because I want to be right with God and our relationship to be blessed, since then he’s acting different being mean and saying that I never liked having sex with him and that it never meant a lot and that he needs to have sex with me to show me he loves me. I don’t understand how that works, I love him with or without that and I’ve shown him in different ways how much he means to me, I’m afraid he will cheat on me again because we don’t have sex. He struggles with lust and has not been abstinant since he lost his virginity and makes it hard for me to stay strong and not have sex because he talks about it a lot and when I don’t respond he gets mad, I need help I don’t know why he’s acting his way or if I should be afraid ..

These questions are hard for me because I automatically just want to say “RUN”.  It’s easier for me to say that because I am not emotionally invested or biased based on that investment.

Anytime someone puts a guilt trip on you to get you to conform to what they want there is definitely a problem– ESPECIALLY if it is SEX.   I would highly recommend you read Boundaries in Dating as I think it will answer many of your questions and probably cause you to have to answer some as well.

I would definitely pay attention to your discernment.  This man has proven that he is not trustworthy and it sounds like he may even have a sexual addiction problem.   People can definitely change and you can definitely forgive but to move on in the relationship should be dependent on his walking out repentance and by the sound of it that has not happened yet.

You may also want to seek out a counselor who can really help you to discern with wisdom.  Someone who can be a sounding board and help guide you with the next steps.

Boyfriends sexual addiction

I found out about my boyfriends 10+yr sexual addiction just a few months ago. It was a very slow and agonizing process to get as many details as I have. Not one truth was told openly by him, only after I had cold hard facts (and even then he would still lie). He promises to be changed this time around, but I’m so hurt and unbelieving. I’m trying to educate myself, learn to heal, and grow together, but he keeps shutting me out. He is now deployed with the USAF. This has really caused a lot of uncertainty again because his stories are beginning to not add up again and he is becoming more distant. Am I crazy to stay with him, or am I just going crazy period? I’ve tried to talk to him in every way possible. I’ve tried so hard to be supportive, and help him, but I cry every day and I’m getting more and more angry because I can tell he is still lying. I need help!!! Church, counseling, therapists, books, friends -nothing is helping. I’m becoming more isolated and resentful with evey moment he ignores me and makes me feel disposable. Where do I go from here?

This is just a hard place to be in.   I don’t think you are crazy but I do think you want to believe that things can be different.   In some way you hope that you can be enough and that he wouldn’t need all of that other stuff….    the truth is— he more than likely had this issue long before you.   Although this affects you deeply— it is not about you.  This is about him– this is his heart issue.    No amount of anything you do will ever bring about change in him.

I’ve been there.   After 2 years I went forward in marriage thinking that once married, marriage and a normal life together would make it go away.  It didn’t… year after year as he got more comfortable with me his porn use grew and he took more risks— always assuming I would still be “there”.

After 10 years he finally left.   I’m thankful today that he made that decision but it was still 12 years of my life washed away with many hopes, dreams and good desires for what I wanted and expected in life.    Starting over for me, at this stage has not been easy.  You are not married- there is no biblical reason for you to stay.   Starting over is rarely easy for anyone actually— but I can tell you this.  Starting over without crying every day, without living in anger every day– without being lied to everyday, without being de-valued everyday is far better than staying in comfortable (familiar) pain.  

It sounds like you’ve exhausted many efforts (counseling, church, therapists, books, friends) as you mentioned so I am not going to point you to any more of those.  It sounds like you know what you need to do.

I’m saying a prayer for you today.
You are not alone and God has a purpose for you and a plan for your life– walk with Him into that.
Be well,
MT

Boyfriend’s Porn Addiction

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two years and I have know about his addiction to porn and masturbation for about a year and a half. He is a very Godly man and wants so much to stop struggling with this. When he “messes up” he will tell me, but every time he does I feel so angry and scared. I feel like I want to talk to someone about it, but I don’t want everyone to know about his secret. How do I get help to work through this issue without sacrificing his trust? I feel so isolated and alone in this struggle and I don’t think expressing all of my frustrations to my boyfriend will make much difference – especially since I don’t really know what I’m feeling about the “struggle” any more. help.

My heart goes out to you.   Does your boyfriend have any male accountability in his life?  You should not be his only source of accountability… if you should even be that source at all.

He needs to get his own system in place but for you a few things come to mind.   Partners For Purity might be a great community for you to seek support, guidance and wisdom from other’s who have been there.   I also would highly recommend the book Boundaries in Dating.

This is a start.

Best wishes

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