Frequently Asked Questions.
I want to start an accountability group with my friend but it seems he is not too willing to do it although he admitted to me that he is a casual porn user like me. Should I consider somebody else?
In order for accountability to really work it must go both ways. You must have a commitment from all parties or your efforts are futile.
Consider reading the book OPEN to understand what accountability should really look like and the benefits that come from an authentic accountability relationship.
Back in January I caught my boyfriend talking to an online site. He stated he has never met up with anyone and it was more of a control thing. He didn’t know who he was talking to and whether or not it was even an actual person. He was also doing texting. I texted the number myself and it responded to me as well and said it was an escort service. I tried calling it but would always get a weird message. It would ask me for pictures of myself and of course I didn’t do that! I went and bought your book pure eyes and we read it every single night till we completed it. We have refrained from intimacy since then and are waiting for marriage. I recently asked him if I could see his bank account and he told me that he will not budge on that and he has always been personal with his money and that’s not something I need to see. That makes me feel uneasy like he’s hiding something. We are very Christian people who both serve at our church and go regularly. He said he feels that he is happy I found it so he can be done with it but also said that he wished I wouldn’t have cause it’s something he was trying to overcome on his own. I feel that we have gotten closer and that faith has strongly helped us. We have talked about marriage and I truly feel he is the one I want to be with. I did tell him though that if this ever happened again I would be gone. He doesn’t feel that it was cheating but I told him cheating isn’t just physical and that he had a virtual affair because he was going to someone/something else rather than me that was sexual. He is a great person and I would just like some insight. Since January we only kiss each other and nothing else. One of my other fears is that if he was getting sexual desires from online stuff and we only do that is the risk of him doing wrong again increased? He supports my moments when I have anxiety and realizes how much he hurt me. I could write more but that is some of the stuff I would like to discuss before we take the big leap of marriage. Thank you kindly and God Bless🙏🏼
Dear one, you have a lot to be concerned with. The Lord gives us discernment for a reason and you have some major red flags here that unfortunately one book reading is not going to deal with.
1. escort services
THAT is beyond pornography. That is seeking interaction and actually hooking up with someone for sex.
2. “my bank account is off limits” (it’s personal)
THAT is another red flag if you are talking marriage. If you both cannot be transparent in all areas of your lives INCLUDING finances then there is a problem– whether it’s his spending money on porn and escort services is yet to be known but just the secrecy and unwillingness to be open with someone you’ve discussed marriage (a lifetime commitment!) with is a huge red flag and leaves me with this:
Something is not right– escort services are not typical or common occurrence in single men (even non Christians!) so this would be enough of an alarm for me to want to END this relationship especially when he said he had hoped you hadn’t found out because he was hoping to overcome alone.
One does not overcome this ALONE.. He needs accountability and he needs it from more than just you. He needs face to face accountability with other men. He needs support and he needs someone that can hold his feet to the fire.
If he doesn’t want those things then he doesn’t really want to break free.
I say RUN.
Is it normal to not watch porn but be addicted to masturbation? I’m female, I’ve never watched porn, but I experienced a traumatic episode where I almost lost my virginity against my will and since then I masturbate. The weird thing is that when I do I don’t think of any kind of fantasies, not imagining myself with Grey or anything similar. I just concentrate in the moment, but nothing else is in my mind! Nothing,an even though I’m addicted to it. Not porn, not sexual fantasies, but just masturbation. Is it normal ? That scares me…
I don’t think what you are describing is typical but it is not abnormal to have discovered and found masturbation pleasurable. It is something that is usually discovered at an early age and you are not the only woman who has done it without the aid of pornography. However- the fact that you label yourself an addict is what tells me that this is unwanted sexual behavior that you cannot seem to stop even though you want to. Therefore I would recommend that you seek to break free of it. We have an entire section for women on this site. I would suggest reading through the blogs and even seeking out bible study that deals with purity. There is a long debate as to whether masturbation is sin and everyone seems to have an opinion. Instead of debating that issue, I would suggest that you consider the conviction you are feeling about it as well as the knowledge that by continually stimulating yourself, you become dependent on yourself. It DOES end up interfering in some way with your sexuality in that you come to depend on your own touch, preference, stimulation etc. to reach satisfaction— this can be hard when you enter into a marital relationship and are trying to experience oneness and satisfaction without your own manipulation.