Questions

13 years ago, my husband admitted to being addicted to porn since before we were married. We have been married 29 years. He will not get help on his own and hates when I try to lead or direct him toward help. He is a Christian. I can now see the cycle. Three Weeks of once-a week sex, then no sex or attention for months. His masturbation has taken it’s toll over the years, and he no longer can have sex with me without masturbating first. I am getting help by taking living free classes at our church. I understand it is not about me. I no longer tolerate his disrespect, verbal beatings, or lack of friendship. I’m so hungry for intimacy. I guess it’s time for my dh to make a move. Do I leave? What do I do? There is no help at our mega church in Ozark, mo. ( Bible belt)

I’ve been dating a wonderful man of God for a little over a year. He is wise, thoughtful and has a personal relationship with the God I love. He suffers from depression and was only diagnosed and introduced to anti-depressants less than a year ago (while we were dating) and has been making a lot of progress. I’m also learning to deal with his depression in a healthy way. For a few months now, we’ve been talking about engagement and what we feel we need to do to prepare ourselves before making that choice. We had several deep conversations about beliefs, ambitions, etc. The last conversation we decided to have was about our past sexual history. Things we needed to get off our chests so the other could make an informed decision. It was at this point that I confessed getting fingered and experiencing orgasms (not knowing that’s what they were) with my boyfriend when I was 19. I also confessed that I have watched porn and masturbated on and off for the last 4 years or so. And he confessed that he watched porn on and off for a couple years, and that at several points in his life he has looked in people’s windows in order to watch them undress. Needless to say, this was extremely devastating for the two of us. He became depressed and withdrawn for weeks afterward. I still can’t believe that he would do something so terrible. And he confesses to still be tempted to look through windows again. We realize that we both need help and are willing to get it. But the tragedy of putting off engagement hurts so so much! I still love this man, and I feel like God is calling me to forgive him (especially since I need forgiveness too!) I want to move on and so does he. Our spirits have been rising lately and we’re ready to dive head first into healing. But we have NO IDEA where to start! He even talked to his psychologist about it and he said it was normal behaviour. Not helpful. Where do we turn? What’s the next step? And most of all, at what point in our healing can we believe that we’re better enough to get married? Shame and embarrassment have had their hold on us for too long. It’s time to break free. But how?

I come from a Christian family, but since I was a teenager (now 28) there have been multiple occasions where I have walked in on my father looking at porn. He doesn’t know I’ve seen what he’s looking at as he quickly tries to hide it, and I haven’t told him. I don’t know what to do. A few months ago he and my mother stopped going to church because of some issues they were having with our pastor, and since then it has gotten a lot more frequent. I am pretty sure my mother has caught him before, but he keeps doing it and tries to be sneakier. He has even crashed multiple computers from viruses that came in through the sites he was looking at. It makes me angry and very sad. I feel very betrayed as his daughter and I don’t know what to do. My father has a very bad temper and he gets very upset when anyone confronts him on something he has done wrong. I am temporarily living at home, and if I were to confront him on this while living here I’m not sure I could face him after that, and I don’t know how he will respond and his anger honestly scares me. I’ve thought about all the sneaky ways I can confront him, I could download porn blocking software to his computer while he was away…I could send him anonymous emails for sites on how to get porn addiction help…but that is all very passive and I’m not sure he’d get the message. I pray for his purity every time I see it, but I can’t help but feel there is more that can be done. I can’t even tell anyone I know because they all know my dad and I don’t want to bring any shame to him, and I don’t want anyone to see my dad differently because of this. Any advice you can offer?