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Frequently Asked Questions.

Husbands porn addiction

I have been married for over six years, I found out my husband had a porn addiction about four years ago. It comes in cycles he says only when I push him into theses places, but his actually starts with just looking on the computer to actually meeting up with these people off Craigslist…he has actually gone the other way and gone as far as transgender people he is meeting with. His addiction is with porn with men…I am a spirit filled Christian but so lost what to do. I remind faithful and try to keep the marriage going. But also fill so numb and hurt of betrayal where I put walls up and can’t trust him! He was the one who mentioned this site to me where he said he saw at his brothers church. It has become so slick where every time he logs of the computer it clears his history. The crazy thing he was was once a drug addicted who lived on the streets he God delivered him from his addiction…need some advice:-)

Hey Christy,

My name is Shellie R. Warren and I am the women’s blog editor for the site.

As life would have it, I am also a marriage life counselor and so I have dealt with your issue many times over…unfortunately.

Being that you shared that your husband was once a drug addict, then I’m sure you get that this is just addiction manifesting in another way. Unfortunately, oftentimes, there are roaring red flags on the front end that are ignored, that women feel like “their love can conquer” only to realize that it requires a lot more work than they initially thought.

As it relates to you feeling discouraged, I pray that you have people around you to remind you that marriage vows are *very serious* (Ecclesiastes 5:1-7, Matthew 19:1-10, I Corinthians 7:10-11) and so if it’s getting to the point where you are exploring ending it, I encourage you to get some marriage counseling; preferably together but if not, even just for you. Someone who is a Christian counselor who honors marriage and also takes your struggle seriously at the same time.

Also, I want to share with you a “secret” that a lot of women/wives don’t know. When God said in Genesis 2:18 that it was not good for man to be alone and that he would make a helpmate for him, guess what the Hebrew word for that is? It’s Ezer Kenegdo and guess what that means: *lifesaver*. God declared that men needed LIFESAVERS and from what you have shared, that would be true (of course it’s true since God does not lie, right?-Titus 1:2). Being a wife is an *awesome* responsibility but being that John 14:26 (AMP) speaks of the Holy Spirit also being a HELPER, then a lot of how we as women learn to be a good support system is by learning how the Holy Spirit deals with us. John 14:26 tells us that he is a “Comforter (Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, Standby)”. These are the kinds of things that a wife needs to be equipped to be.

That said, there are success stories. One that comes to mind is a book entitled I Surrender All: Rebuilding a Marriage Broken by Pornography (Clay and Renee Crosse). It is the story about a well-known Christian artist who battled with porn and how he and his wife overcame. Also, a book that you and your husband might want to read together is Sacred Sex by Tim Alan Gardner. Unfortunately, a lot of people, whether they watch porn or not, are not knowledgeable about the purpose of sex and Hosea 4:6 tells us that people perish for a lack of knowledge (marriages are destroyed because of it too).

Now by no means am I saying that you deserve what you’re in or that it’s going to be “easy” to make this work, but remember that we don’t wrestle with flesh and blood; that you are in a *spiritual battle* (Ephesians 6:10-20) AND that you can do ALL THINGS through Christ who gives you strength (Philippians 4:6-7).

Also, I taped a video a few years ago on advice for married women in similar situations as yours. I’ve enclosed the link:

We are praying for you, OK? Send us periodical updates to let us know how things are going…

SRW

Husband’s Pornography Use

Everywhere I look I see people who confess to falling into pornography. Most of the time it’s when they are quite young- like my husband. However, I’m starting to lose hope. He keeps falling and I don’t see anywhere any stories of success. It’s just continued falling. How many times am I going to have to feel the pain of his addiction before I can’t take it anymore? Every time I get closer to leaving- even though I really don’t want to.

Hey April,

My name is Shellie R. Warren and I am the women’s blog editor for the site.

As life would have it, I am also a marriage life counselor and so I have dealt with your issue many times over…unfortunately.

I’m not sure what the history is surrounding your marriage (although I do see that you got married *very young*). Oftentimes, there are roaring red flags on the front end that are ignored, that women feel like “their love can conquer” only to realize that it requires a lot more work than they initially thought.

As it relates to you feeling like you want to throw in the towel, I pray that you have people around you to remind you that marriage vows are *very serious* (Ecclesiastes 5:1-7, Matthew 19:1-10, I Corinthians 7:10-11) and so if it’s getting to the point where you are exploring ending it, I encourage you to get some marriage counseling; preferably together but if not, even just for you. Someone who is a Christian counselor who honors marriage and also takes your struggle seriously at the same time.

Also, I want to share with you a “secret” that a lot of women/wives don’t know. When God said in Genesis 2:18 that it was not good for man to be alone and that he would make a helpmate for him, guess what the Hebrew word for that is? It’s Ezer Kenegdo and guess what that means: *lifesaver*. God declared that men needed LIFESAVERS and from what you have shared, that would be true (of course it’s true since God does not lie, right?-Titus 1:2). Being a wife is an *awesome* responsibility but being that John 14:26 (AMP) speaks of the Holy Spirit also being a HELPER, then a lot of how we as women learn to be a good support system is by learning how the Holy Spirit deals with us. John 14:26 tells us that he is a “Comforter (Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, Standby)”. These are the kinds of things that a wife needs to be equipped to be.

That said, there are success stories. One that comes to mind is a book entitled I Surrender All: Rebuilding a Marriage Broken by Pornography (Clay and Renee Crosse). It is the story about a well-known Christian artist who battled with porn and how he and his wife overcame. Also, a book that you and your husband might want to read together is Sacred Sex by Tim Alan Gardner. Unfortunately, a lot of people, whether they watch porn or not, are not knowledgeable about the purpose of sex and Hosea 4:6 tells us that people perish for a lack of knowledge (marriages are destroyed because of it too).

Now by no means am I saying that you deserve what you’re in or that it’s going to be “easy” to make this work, but remember that we don’t wrestle with flesh and blood; that you are in a *spiritual battle* (Ephesians 6:10-20) AND that you can do ALL THINGS through Christ who gives you strength (Philippians 4:6-7).

We are praying for you, OK? Send us periodical updates to let us know how things are going…

SRW

My boyfriend and porn

I recently found out that my boyfriend looks at porn. He tells me is a Christian but seems to accept that porn is normal. I understand what it does to relationships and marriages and don’t want any part of that. But I also care about him so I have been thinking about bringing it up and asking him to stop. But I am afraid it’s not my place or he will be angry at me or something like that. And if he refuses to listen do I need to end the relationship? Is it even my place to bring it up? And how do I do that respectfully and caringly?

Hey Bethany,

My name is Shellie R. Warren and I’m the women’s blog editor for the site. Thanks for reaching out.

I just checked out your email and I must say that I feel it is one of the more thoughtful ones that I’ve read in quite some time.

Let’s start here. Although a lot of people tend to act like a “boyfriend” is a “husband”, by no means is that to be the case. People who are dating did not take formal vows to God about being committed to someone for the rest of their lives; therefore, the main thing that a boyfriend should be considered as is a really special friend and one of my favorite verses on friendship is here: “Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.” (Proverbs 27:6-NKJV) A friend deserves to hear the truth from another friend because it can be life-saving and sidebar, the fact that he feels like it’s OK to watch porn is saying that it’s OK to lust and the Bible tells us quite the opposite (I John 2:16, Colossians 3:5, James 1:14-15, I Corinthians 6:16-20-Message, for starters). So yes, as someone who cares for him deeply, although I recommend that you first go to the Holy Spirit for the right words and delivery (since we are told to speak truth in love-Ephesians 4:15), I encourage you to at least mention to him that porn is anything (and almost everything) but God’s best for his life.

As it relates to you specifically, there is a video that I shot a few years ago on the topic that I want to encourage you to watch, mostly because I want you to be prepared that he may not want to give porn up, at least any time soon and you have to be able to guard your own heart in the process:

I hope this has provided you with some insight of what to do next.

We’ll be praying for the both of you in the meantime, OK?

SRW

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