Questions

I am currently going through a divorce from a marriage of 4 years. I met my husband in high school, during which at the time I was getting introduced to God at a gospel preaching church. At the time I didn’t quite take God seriously because my mind was more focused on finding “love”. As a young girl I always fantasized about finding a soul mate. So honestly most of my efforts for going to church were in expectations of finding love. Well I finally found the guy who seemed to value me for my faith, though he had nothing to do with God. I was naive and thought I could introduce him to church and bam like magic he would become a christian man. My friends at the church warned me of being unequally yoked and basically that I will only end up heart broken if I continued to pursue a relationship with him. I didn’t listen and ended up leaving the church and the little faith I had in God to be with my husband.

I ended up marrying the guy because we fell into fornication. At a young age I vowed to stay pure until marriage, and when that was broken I believed I could make it up to God by getting married. As young and naive as I was, I married a guy who was heavily addicted to porn. At the time while we were dating he had frequented a few strip clubs for his buddies bdays. It hurt me terribly and really that should have been a red flag that this guy wasn’t exactly the marriage type. I told him the pain it caused but he always came up with the excuse that he just went because his friends forced him and he didn’t like it anyway. I believed in him and had hopes that one day as he said he would, he would share the same faith as me and God will make him a pure man….

It didn’t quite work out the way I had envisioned it. I’ve had 4 years of heart break of finding history of his porn sites no matter how clever he got at hiding it. Through the course of our marriage he has also been to 3 strip clubs where he received numerous lap dances, and he even confessed to sleeping with one. Through each episode of catching him he vows to never do it again and to never hurt me again. But as you can see, every single promise has been broken. I feel utterly stupid for ever believing he could change, honor, and love me the way I needed. Last year I was supposed to already be divorced, but he pleaded with me that he would finally change, he got saved and started going to church with me faithfully. I ended up getting pregnant (not planned) Slowly in a years span he started drifting back to the world and all the things he promised not to do.. look at porn and having emotional affairs. He broke those promises of course during the end of my pregnancy and completely stopped going to church.

My daughter is now only 4months and I’m doing my best to piece my life back together. I keep telling myself there is hope as long as I keep my focus on God. Well I guess you may be reading this and saying “where the heck is your question in this?” Do you happen to have a reference site as to where I can find women like me? Women who have been through this that can testify that good will come out of this pain….

How do I check my computer to see if my husband has been accessing pornography on the internet? He has had a problem with internet pornography in the past and I am not sure that he is not back into it again. We used to have a block on our computer, but when we got our new computer he did not want a block because “the block messed up our computer last time”. I know how to check recent history, but it can be deleted line by line anytime, so I know it is not an accurate indicator. I am noticing changes in him again and want to know what is going on, but he claims that there is nothing. Thanks for any help you can give me.

My bf uses porn to masturbate, for visual stimulant, he won’t let me see what he uses because I would only get upset (even I know I would), I am really insecure about it, and also he doesn’t understand how much I hate amateur porn, because if he is watching random girls could have put up, I feel like it’s cheating, even though he isn’t in love with them girls, and it’s not physical I just get upset, and it’s causing lots of problems in the relationship, I have tried to explain the amateur porn being something I don’t like.. because he is getting “pleasure” from another woman, even though it’s only a photo or video on a random site.. He doesn’t understand me or my issues with it though, most men look at porn.. and sure I’d love if he never did, but that’s impossible. I just want to know how I can be happy with my own body, the way I am, instead of feeling like I am not “performing” well enough for him, that I am/will never be as attractive as or as experienced/comfortable with some of the things on porn. And how I can try to discourage him looking at amateur porn, because of the way I feel about it?