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30 DAY PORN FREE CHALLENGE

30 DAYS OF ADVICE TO HELP YOU STAY PORN FREE

 

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6 Ways to Love a Friend When Her Husband Has Confessed Porn Addiction

by Seth Taylor on January 16th, 2017 in Men, Women, Couples, Spouses

xxxchurch-6-ways-to-love-a-friend-when-her-husband-has-confessed-porn-addiction-1We recently received this email from someone whose friend’s husband just confessed having a porn addiction:

“My friend just told me that her husband has been addicted to porn throughout their entire marriage. I have just listened to her and empathized with her, telling her I cannot imagine how she must be feeling, etc.

We are Christians so it has been helpful seeking the Lord on how to respond, but I also do not want to give a “pat Christian answer” as those usually are not helpful. I was wondering if you have any advice on how I can be a supportive friend in this process? I would greatly appreciate any thoughts you have on this.”

This person’s desire to not give a “pat Christian answer” is a wise one – it’s so often what we do, right?

Why do we do that anyway?

It seems that something inside of most of us is not capable of dealing with the unresolvable tensions and suffering that are the hallmark of the human experience. One of the most common ways we try to resolve that tension is by giving our friends advice they didn’t necessarily ask for.

But since advice here has been requested, here’s my best shot at six ways to love your friend after her husband has confessed having a porn addiction:

1) Understand that there are no victims here.

Yes, people can be hurt, and that sometimes that hurt requires some sort of action that puts space between people – but the truth is that we’re all hurting. Porn addiction is one way of dealing with a specific hurt that has been within a person for a long, long time. If you label your friend the victim and her husband the criminal, that will not help bring healing.

Instead, know that they both have a sacred path to walk, and that it is meant for their transformation as well. Do your best to see the long road behind your friend along with the longer one in front of her and know that God is with her there.

2) Learn just to sit with her.

The practice of being present with another person allows for what Martin Buber described as “The Eternal Thou” to be present between you. When we are silent and do not grab the reins of control in a situation, we invite the Holy Spirit to dwell in that place between us and the other person and then, perhaps, the answers that come will be helpful and healing. Be still and breathe deeply.

Be aware of your own internal experience. There will be time for words later.

3) Trust the art of healing touch.

Our hugs and touch can communicate rescue or they can communicate presence in very powerful, nonverbal ways. If you are present, then the Spirit of God can be in your touch.

4) Understand that suffering is part of how it works.

There are two forces that come from God and are at work to redeem the world: creativity and entropy.

Breaking down is crucial for building up.

You need not rob (or rescue) your friend of her suffering, because that can change her, too – this is part of what Jesus was talking about when he said that if we seek to save our lives, we’ll lose them. But if we seek to lose our lives, we find life in all its abundance.

Your friend’s suffering is larger than just some concept of victimhood, so ask her what she needs from you and restrain yourself from putting a happy face on things.

5) Some well-timed, sugar-laced concoction can be nice.

No need to place orders… she’s your friend and you know what she loves. Provide some nonverbal comfort in the form of a small treat.

6) Connect her with others in similar struggles.

There’s nothing quite like hearing that someone else is going through the same thing that you are. Recover.org is a new place for women who need help recovering from sexual betrayal. Share this resource with your friend and let her draw strength from other women who have been in exactly the same place.

True friendship is an art. And we were given to each other to walk this sacred path of death and rebirth together. Blessings to you as you learn to be present in the eye of your friend’s storm.

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  • Deborah West

    Number one is so not true. When a husband has lied, deceived, and manipulated his wife during the marriage, when a husband has ‘used’ as a sperm spittoon, when a husband INTENTIONALLY choice porn over his wife, then YES – SHE IS THE VICTIM!!!!!!!!!!!! (and he is the criminal)

    • William

      Deborah, there is plenty to blame on your husband but if you as his wife did your job he wouldn’t have turned to porn to begin with. Fickle prides who think they are too delicate to please their HUSBANDS don’t allow themselves to be free with their husbands. God says knowing you are naked is knowledge of good and evil but being naked with your husband is not because there should be no shame. Are you a prude? Never let your husband see you naked? Have sex in the dark? No good survived in darkness.

      • Deborah West

        You’re trying to turn this onto me. I am at NO fault, NO blame in this. I stated in my above reply that my H used me like a spittoon. He actually lied to me thousands of times by saying everything was great. He couldn’t have wished for more. I don’t understand why you would think otherwise unless you are just one those ‘victim blaming’ kind of people. How about the husband who insist on trying out his ‘porn moves’ on his wife. How about the husband who won’t come to bed when invited. How about the husband who REFUSES to kiss, cuddle, or hug in any shape form or fashion. Don’t tell me I didn’t do MY job. I did my job, plus HIS.

      • Joel LeBlanc

        “Deborah, there is plenty to blame on your husband but if you as his wife did your job he wouldn’t have turned to porn to begin with.”
        William
        This is how you address a hurt woman who yes has a victim mind set. How freaking ridiculous and hurtful thing to say.
        Husbands are to love
        Wife’s are to respect
        I don’t know what Deborah didn’t do in her husband’s life. But what if his addiction is pre marriage, what if it has nothing to do with her. What if it is a trigger of a childhood emotion that has not been delt with. Think before you talk such hurtful and wrong things.

        • Gene Gedge

          Thank you

  • Wow guys. “There is no victim?” You do all this work with the porn industry and you don’t see that the trail is littered with victims. “He’s not a criminal” — well in some cases that’s correct (for some women, their husband has actually committed a crime an is facing charges)… but where that’s not the case is he not still the “wrongdoer.” Telling the husband and the wife, they’re both hurting is true (and some day the Holy Spirit will probably point that out to her, but it’s rarely in the initial days), but the wife is looking for validation of her pain… and this isn’t it. Moreover, (to address where this thinking is off) the bible sets out the guidelines for restitution. The one who has done wrong makes restitution to the one they wronged (and the wife is the primary person he has wronged). There’s a purpose in this: to heal the relationship. I think if you guys want to be moving more into the space of helping wives with their healing, you need to prayerfully consider getting more training (I’d look at APSATS). Also, next time, consider having a wife write the article. The author does raise a few excellent points, but they get lost due to the “stinkin’ thinkin'” of this one.

    • Gene Gedge

      This is ridiculous and cruel, I agree Lisa

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