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Confessions: My Husband Looks at Porn

by Kristina Croft on March 12th, 2013 in Spouses

Is there a confession that’s any more daunting than this for a wife? My husband looks at porn.

It’s just the worst!

When I found out my husband had been looking at porn for years, I was utterly humiliated. Not only did I have to deal with the shame and pain in my marriage, but I was so afraid to talk to anyone about it.  Would anyone even understand?? In our hyper-sex-driven culture, would anyone even care? Almost every TV show makes pornography a joke; it’s rarely considered destructive or hurtful.

I was afraid most people would think I should just “get over it.” And then I wondered what they would think of me. I assumed they would think it was my fault that he looked at porn. Maybe because I had gained weight, maybe he wasn’t attracted to me, or maybe I just didn’t satisfy him sexually; I must be boring in bed. So many fears and insecurities overcame me and I was so afraid. So afraid to confess, to reveal our secret to anyone. Until I read something by William Barclay, “Secrecy kills the disciple or the disciple kills secrecy.” I knew that this secret was killing me. I needed to confess this to someone who could help me process it and work through it. Sure our pastor at the time already knew what was going on because my husband brought him in the night that everything was revealed to me. But besides him, I needed to unload this monstrosity of pain onto someone. There are a couple of people that I confided in that I know were a great source of help in my most desperate time of need:

1)      Jesus. I know you might think I’m crazy. But sitting down and just crying and talking to Jesus. It made such an impact on my heart. I cried and asked God why He didn’t protect me. Why He let me marry this man that He knew would break my heart. Why He didn’t rescue my husband from this addiction sooner. I was broken and Jesus came in and began to mend the broken pieces of my heart. Yes, Jesus has been my Sustainer, my Friend, my Confidante, and my Healer through it all.

2)     A counselor. My husband and I made an appointment to see a counselor together and I was able, for the first time, to just confess every question, every fear, every hurt I was feeling to another person other than my husband. It was a great place to start because she was neutral. She didn’t know me or my husband so it was unlikely she would “take sides.” She was able to help me process what was happening, what my husband was going through, and what we could expect over the next year. She was a Christian counselor who was experienced with helping couples who are suffering from sexual betrayal. She was a wonderful help to us.

3)     A friend. Not just any friend. But a godly woman who had experienced something similar in her life and had overcame. She came to my house and sat at my dining room table, listening as I confessed all my fears, how confused I was over this whole thing, how much I wanted to just love my husband one minute and punch him in the face the next!! She listened, she offered experience and godly counsel, and she was able to help me feel normal. To hear another woman say she felt the same way I was feeling made a great difference in my healing process. I didn’t feel as ashamed as I once had. I felt a little more confident that through Christ, we were going to get through this!

And we have! People often shy away from confession, fearing that it will only cause more pain. But I can tell you from experience, confession led to great freedom in my walk towards healing with my husband. Being able to openly discuss how I was feeling and what I needed from him was a help to him as well.

So let me encourage you today, if your husband looks at porn or has recently admitted his addiction to you, don’t hesitate… confess your pain, fears, and questions to Jesus. Confess them with a counselor. Confess them with a close, godly friend. You won’t regret that you did because you will begin to see God’s healing grace mend your broken heart.

For more information about my story and my walk towards freedom with my husband, visit my website Isaiah 53 Ministry. By HIS wounds, we are healed.

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