From time to time Darcy and I get emails from people who read our blog posts. Some are letters thanking us for what we do, some are questions, and some are people telling us that we are wrong for doing what we do or have done. Well this past week I got one from a gentleman who had some questions in regard to recovery and in particular my recover over the last 3 years. So instead of responding in an email I asked if he would not mind me doing it in our blog this week. I thought that these may be some things that other could find useful. Below are some of his questions and our response to them.
In the past year have made some good recovery, but I still cannot do without the filter.
There is nothing wrong with using a filter to help curb your thirst for this temptation. I still use filters today and accountability software. Many men and women who do not have a problem with pornography use this filters as well. This is a great form of accountability using such software application as X3 Watch for accountability and Safe Eyes as a filter.
I still look at women in a sexual way, I think it is due to the objectification of women in the porn that I was watching.
I remember feeling this way as well during my time of healing and trying to remove all sexual thoughts and images from my head. The thing is our minds have been re-programmed with all of the porn that we have seen. Now we need to re-program our minds again and that doesn’t just happen over night. The thing is you will still have thoughts and images in your head but, the difference now is that you know that it is wrong.
Another difference for me is that I trained my mind and eyes to “BOUNCE”. What I mean about bounce is when I see a women who catches my eye instead of looking at her and undressing her with my eyes I just move my eyes back and stay the course. It takes time to do this but, it will come with time and practice. As far as the images I had a tough time with this as well. So much so that I was fighting with my self because these images would not clear from my mind. After talking with a friend of mine who is a consoler I had more peace with it and I had to have faith that time would take care of it. His comment to me was it takes time. Our minds are like hard drives and we have stuffed so many images and scenes in our head that it takes time for these to clear out. Trust me after you have been away from it for a longer period of time these images will go away or at least become very minimal. The key here is getting away from it completely.
Is there a difference between love and lust?
The biggest difference between love and lust is that lust is an act of selfishness and love is selfless. When we lust after someone or something it is in reply to us wanting something for ourselves. Whether it be looking at a gilr in the store, looking at porn on the computer, or reading some trashy novel that makes us want what we are reading. There is nothing that you are giving that object. It is all about you. Love is something that we give away to someone and if done right you are not looking to get anything out of it.
Sex is still a problem. Did you face such problems in your recovery and how did you solve them?
(Darcy) Yes; sex was an issue for us. When everything came out and also during Brian’s addiction. In regards to this question I’d like to refer you to a previous blog I posted a little while ago. “The Marriage Bed”
I read magazines and websites on sexual health regularly. I regularly see complaints by wives about their dissatisfaction with endowment length, ejaculation time, and orgasms. Is all this really a big deal in a good relationship?
(Darcy) I can not answer for all women about these issues, but for me this does not have an effect on my love life. When two people are married and love one another, the love making can “accommodate” them both. If the women thinks that she is not getting an orgasm because of length or time, then she and her husband can work on something else to satisfy the need. For me sex is a gift from God for two people who are married.
Talking about sex has always been a taboo thing. No one talks about it, but everyone does it. This way of thinking is what gets us into trouble. Women and men need to tell their partner what feels good and if they did something that they did not like or care for. When talking about sex you need to be honest and open with one another. This way there is no “secret” that only one partner knows. As long as there is love in the conversations, the sex should be great. Without love it is just plain sex, not the gift God that he intended it to be. Speaking with honesty, openess and love can make sex the way that is was intended once again in your marriage.
The last question that was asked was; “It seems like your troubles ended the day you attended Porn and Pancakes” I would like to address this in next weeks blog since it could be to much to combine with this post.
If you would like to email Darcy or Brian you may do so by clicking on our names.