I rarely use my emergency brake. It’s mostly flat where I live along the coast. Sea level, for the most part, is level. But every once in awhile, for some inexplicable reason, I’ll park my car and depress the emergency brake pedal — shove that baby to the floor!
You can already guess what’s coming. I return to my car a few hours later and forget to release the brake. I turn the key, throw it into drive, and lurch forward in fits and starts wondering, “What the hell…is wrong…with my car?!”
If you’ve ever felt that way about your marriage, like there’s an invisible force impeding your progress, this post might help.
Embrace Your Inner Detective
Imagine you and your wife are driving from L.A. to Vegas for the weekend. Or from New England to North Carolina for a family reunion. An hour into the trip she asks, “Do you need to stop and use the restroom?” You don’t, of course, because you didn’t drink an extra-large iced green tea latte during the first 10 minutes of the trip, so you answer, “No. I’m good.”
Big mistake. Here’s why:
Women don’t typically come out and say what they want. After all, what’s romantic about that? “I need to pee. Pull over.” Boring. Any robot can issue an order.
Instead, they give us clues and expect us to do some digging in order to uncover what they want. They drop a few crumbs to see if we care enough to follow the trail.
So then, her question is never really a question, but a hint. Say this out loud if it helps: “Her clues are my cues.” No, not to throw your hands up in frustration, but to don your deerstalker and begin playing detective. It’s about to get fun! Remember, the trail always leads to the treasure.
Here’s a sample Sherlock-worthy response to her question-that’s-not-really-a-question, “Do you need to stop and use the restroom?”
YOU: “Well, we’ve been on the road for a few hours now. How are you feeling, babe? Do you need to use the restroom?”
HER: “Mmm, I don’t know.”
YOU: “It looks like you’ve finished your green tea latte. Would you like me to pull over at the next rest stop?”
HER: “I think I’ll be OK.”
[Pause briefly for dramatic effect]
YOU: “You know, I think stopping is a good idea. I’d like to stretch my legs. Plus, we’ve got 30-40 miles of desert ahead of us before the next town. We should probably refuel just to be
safe. And we’re probably both ready for a bathroom break.”
HER: “OK, honey.”
When she reaches across the console for your hand and gives it a little squeeze, it’s much more than a little squeeze. It’s her way of saying, “I feel loved right now. I feel cared for. I feel lucky to have you.” She’s dancing on the inside.
She’d turn on some music and dance on the outside too, right there in her seat, if she didn’t have to pee so bad.
The treasure — in case you were wondering — is her. It’s her heart. It’s her feeling loved. It’s her feeling connected to you. It’s her knowing she’s your #1 priority. These are the headwaters for a strong and sexy marriage.
Latin for “Dumb”
Standard-issue marriage advice to women says, “Your husband’s not a mind reader. Tell him what you want.”
“Yeah!” shout all the men within earshot, “We’re not mind readers! Just tell us what you want! Don’t make it so complicated! Don’t make us have to work so hard!”
Here’s the problem: While it sounds reasonable to the logical hemisphere of your brain — it bounces off hers.
When you say, “I’m not a mind reader, just tell me what you want,” she hears: “I’ve already won your heart. I’ve already cracked the code. The chase is over. I’m done breaking a sweat for you. Sorry, but you’re not that interesting anymore. Get used to me taking you for granted. Get used to a marriage that’s dull and predictable.”
Or, even worse: “Can’t you be more like my guy friends? More rational. More linear. Less nuanced. Less mysterious. I just wish you’d stop acting like such a woman.”
And you wonder why she’s hardly ever in the mood.
All this time — unbeknownst to you — you’ve been insisting that your wife tone down her sex appeal. Be less amorous. The word “sensual” comes from the Latin “sensualis,” meaning, “endowed with feeling, sensitive.” Regardless of her body shape or size, your well-endowed wife is a finely-tuned machine — sensitive and nurturing and intuitive and feeling and powerful and delicate and complex.
She and her sexuality are a deep well. Simply put, without her yin, there’ll be no yang.
Every man becomes a detective the moment he says, “I do.” When wedding guests ask the groom, “Where will the two of you live?” he might as well answer “221b Baker Street.”
The chase didn’t end on your wedding day – it was just getting started!
Questions that Lead to Better Sex
● What hints has your wife been dropping lately?
● What clues has she been leaving?
● More importantly, what is she really trying to say?
● What does she need most from her husband right now – quality time, encouragement,
empathy, a little push?
Quote Worth Pondering
● “When a women is silent, listen to her very carefully.” (Lilka)