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30 DAY PORN FREE CHALLENGE

30 DAYS OF ADVICE TO HELP YOU STAY PORN FREE

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My Husband Just Told Me He Looked At Porn

by Jeanette on March 11th, 2016 in Favorites, Women, Couples, Spouses

husbandYour husband just confided in you that he looked at porn. I know it must bring up a lot of emotions:

– Betrayal because he didn’t stay faithful to you

– Mistrust because how can you trust him in small or big things if he couldn’t be trusted not to look

– Self-doubt because you think it may have had to do with you not being pretty enough or satisfying enough in the bedroom

– Anger because he didn’t put you above himself and think how his actions could affect you.

These are just a few emotions that may have surfaced for you, and these are normal feelings.

What you do from this point on with those emotions will set the tone for the rest of your marriage. Good, Christ-filled men are trying to do what is right when it comes to lust and their visual nature.

Your husband wants to honor you, but God has wired his brain so differently from a woman’s that it is a constant struggle.

Please take heart that he actually came to you before getting caught—he is trying to honor you and make things right. Your job is NOT to withhold sex from him, to question his integrity in all areas of his life, to play detective or police his every move, to not forgive him and always punish him, to shut down and put up a wall, to think it’s your fault.

Those things make a certain sense emotionally, but they won’t help you or him.

346x396-recover-inline2Instead, your job IS to understand his visual nature and encourage him to have accountability with trusted people who will call him out on things, to extend him grace and realize that we all screw up and are selfish, to seek out counseling with him or by yourself, to pray for him, to pray for your marriage, to welcome honest conversations.

If you can openly talk about how hurt you are that he looked at porn, about things in both of you that need work, about what triggers him to look at porn, about taking steps to improve the issues that come up, then you can push through the hard conversations and come out on the other side stronger.

You both love each other and want to work through these things, which is a good thing.

Divorce is not an option, and it never should cross your mind.

Even if this time seems desperate and that it will never pass, divorce is much harder and more painful than this one experience in your relationship. 

You and your husband can get through this and wind up even stronger than you were before. We’ve seen it over and over in the couples we’ve worked with through our ministry. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.

For more information and help on dealing with sexual betrayal visit Recover.org today.

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  • My Name is not Important

    Ridiculous. You’re pushing the onus on the innocent party- the wife. “Yes he was cheating, but he admitted it, so mind your manners, ladies.” Whatever. His mind, heart and body were doing exactly what he would do if he had an affair partner, so it IS an affair. HE should be sensitive to HER needs, not the other way around.
    And yes, the bible does give a right to divorce to the offended partner (See Matthew 19:9.. The Greek word Jesus used to justify divorce is “porneia”.. Look it up). Yes God prefers reconciliation over divorce, but an entitled, cheating, and unrepentant spouse will return to his/her old ways eventually. My advice here is betrayed wives should connect with God and put HIM first in this situation. Let your husband do his work; the burden of healing the marriage and building trust is largely his responsibility at this point. Express your feelings, pray and connect with other betrayed wives. He wanted to feel like a “man” with an online harem, well now he gets to actually be a REAL man and do right by his wife!

  • Corrine

    I think it really depends on a few things. Yes, he came forward before getting caught. That is awesome. Really. So what’s next?
    A promise never to do it again is not enough. He needs a group of men who will hold his feet to the fire and hold him accountable. Daily. We started with a polygraph when we finally got some good counsel. Yes serious & not cheap, but I had to know if this man who had been in this fantasy world of porn & sex addiction could be trusted.
    I would also recommend a recovery plan and groups for both of you. While the numbers show that over half of the men breathing, including those sitting in church, admit to having a porn problem, there is recovery. But you need recovery as well otherwise this could become something that spirals like craziness.
    Divorce is never an option? As pro marriage and family as I am, after almost 2 decades of living with a chronic liar & sex addict who failed his 2nd polygraph, was unrepentant and unwilling to be held accountable, I had nothing left to do but divorce. I feel release from that marriage finally. I don’t know what the Lord has in our future but for right now, it’s time for me to wait on the Lord and his perfect plans for my life.

  • Taiman

    I confessed before getting caught. I wanted to quit viewing porn but I was enslaved by the addiction and I knew that the only way to breakout was to bring it out into the light to the only person I thought might be trusted but I was not sure. I really thought she might leave me but when I finally trusted Jesus with it, I found the ability to confess. My wife showed me Jesus grace. But she is also human and she let me have it with both barrels!! This I understood and took all her wrath without making any excuses for myself. I followed up with a year long recovery program, counseling and accountability with another man. I also volunteered to have accountability software installed on all electronic devices. I am now helping others battle this cancerous sin. Our marriage is more solid and we are both unafraid to discuss anything!

  • TJ

    I appreciate the idea behind this article, but definitely think your statement: “divorce is not an option, and it should never cross your mind” is irresponsible. If the pornography has escalated into an addiction where you or others are being mistreated or abused in ANY way (verbally, emotionally, physically or sexually), divorce is an option and SHOULD be considered. Writing these types of articles should include a disclaimer accounting for this, especially for people who have been blamed, shamed, and victimized by this addiction.

  • Nicole

    Why do you assume that the husband confessed? More often than not, the husband does not confess. He goes on and on hiding his porn addiction until finally, his wife discovers his dark secret. What resources do you have for those women whose husbands did not confess? And where do you get off telling wives “NOT” to withhold sex from him? This is utter nonsense. Some of the best resources available to couples whose husbands are porn addicts, strongly suggest men commit to going 30-90 days without any sexual activity whatsoever. Have you not read these recovery materials? This “detox time” is advised and recommended everywhere, including the well known Covenant Eyes organization. And honestly, if you can’t back up each point in your article Biblically, you should not be spouting these lies to hurting women everywhere. The line about “divorce should never cross your mind” is outrageous. God allows for divorce in circumstances that involve adultery and pornography is indeed adultery. Although divorce maybe shouldn’t be the first option that comes to mind, it is a vaild option, especially in cases where the husband will not repent and turn from his addiction. Women are desperately searching for resources to heal their broken hearts and UNbiblical articles like this just makes women hurt all the more. Please consider editing this article with truth from God’s Word instead of your personal opinion.

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