Webster’s dictionary (1994) defines ashamed as “feeling shame because something bad, wrong or foolish was done” and shame is defined as “a painful feeling of having lost respect of others because of the improper behavior, incompetence, etc. of oneself or another.” I’m in a women’s Bible study in which the leader describes guilt as telling us we’ve done something wrong while shame tells us we are something wrong. While I have felt guilt when I have sinned, I have only felt shame once. . . .
I felt shame the day after I learned of Todd’s addiction to porn. I was standing outside the shower waiting for the water to warm up before I got in when Todd came in the bathroom to brush his teeth. I so remember my feeling of shame. I felt shame that his impure eyes could see my nakedness. I hated this new feeling. For 14 years, I thought they were pure eyes, so I felt no shame. Now, I felt differently standing before him. I couldn’t wait for the water to get hot, so he couldn’t see me. I wondered what he thought of me after gazing lustfully at other naked women. I hated that feeling, and I hate thinking about it. However, to the glory of God, I didn’t stay stuck in that feeling of shame. God is our Redeemer and He uses bad stuff for construction. He has used what Satan meant for destruction, and used it to bring us closer to Him and each other.
How could I be so weak? How could I let this happen? These are thoughts I have regarding my struggle with pornography when I look back at my pattern of destruction. I would like to think of myself as an intelligent and mentally strong man–pornography is for the weak minded, lacking self-control and yet somehow I got wrapped up into this sin. Why is pornography considered a “secret sin”? Because I believe most people don’t want others to know about this part of their lives. . . there is shame in it even though the world wants us to think “everybody is doing it” and yet we don’t want anyone to know. I recently talked to a man serving in the Navy and he said pornography is everywhere on the ship and yet according to him, no one talks about it, the sin must remain a secret…even on a ship with men who have been away for months…pornography must remain a secret . . because everyone knows is shameful.
I feel the shame personally because I am better than pornography. My life deserves better, my kids deserves better, my wife deserves better, ….I deserve better and most importantly God deserves better! I am ashamed that I have not always given the very best to my family, my wife, and God. When we remain in our shame we will not have victory. Instead, you must share your struggle with someone you trust, even your spouse. Once you confess it, you can begin to deal with it and slowly the shame goes away. Most importantly, you must ask for forgiveness and then receive the forgiveness.
I’m (Diane again) thankful to say that first instance standing naked before my man for the first time after his confession is the also the last time I felt shame. Although I struggle from time to time with insecurity, which was also a new feeling for me related to Todd’s addiction, I also feel that it’s a privilege that God would entrust this to me. I feel stronger in Christ and stronger in marriage, and I now very much enjoy being seen by him in my birthday suit!