I loathe commercials. Not only because they’re way too loud and interupt the show I’m watching, and not only because they advertise toys that my kids will subsequently beg for for days; but I hate all the so-called sexy commercials that portray women in a light that casts shadows on me. When I see the women on underwear, soap, and exercise commercials I am both horrified by the pornographic images allowed to be displayed on regular TV and discouraged that my body doesn’t look anything like that.
Let’s face it, there’s not alot of average house wives who can put on Victoria’s Secret and look like the women in the commercials (especially after carrying 4 kids, two of them twins!) That’s just not the norm. Even if a woman is fit, she’s still real. We lose sight of the special circumstances TV provides. The women in the those commercials have perfect lighting, spray tans, body oils, perfect make-up, contorting their bodies to the best angles in which to hide any blemish, and yet I still feel a little bad about myself when I see them. Perhaps women who have not experienced the pain of a porn-addicted husband don’t feel this way. Perhaps they have all the confidence in the world and they never second guess their attractiveness. But if you have experienced the betrayal of porn and all the lies from the enemy that come with it, you’re probably just like me… a little insecure about your body and sexiness. And when we see those commercials (and we all know what I’m referring to) those insecurities can mount exponentially and make us feel like it’s a competition between “us” and “them”.
So what to do? First off, know that it’s normal and you’re not the only woman who feels this way. Those of us who have been through the recovery process or are right in the thick of it have all compared ourselves not only to porn stars, celebrities, and the women in commercials, but to women we meet everyday at the grocery store or walking down the street as well. Especially in the beginning where the wounds are fresh and our emotions are raw, we feel like our husband’s porn addiction is directly correlated with how unattractive we are! But let me assure you, that is not the case. Addicts with drop-dead georgeous wives still look at porn. Addicts with highly sexually available wives still look at porn. It’s not about you. Pornography is a coping mechanism addicts use to try to medicate wounds. Wounds of rejection, abuse, loneliness, insecurity, stress, etc and wounds that, for most men, were present before you ever entered the picture.
When it comes to competing with and comparing ourselves to other women, we need to understand that the enemy is at play. For women, fear, insecurity, and worry are the Devil’s playground. He takes one thought, “Does my husband think she’s sexier than me?” and can fill your heart with lies. In minutes he can have you so low, convinced that you don’t have a shred of beauty and nothing your husband would find attractive. He’ll steal your joy and any glimmer of self-confidence and replace them with doubt, shame, and fear. Believe me, I know!!! I can be in a great mood, spending quality time with my family, enjoying my husband, then I see a woman on a billboard in a bikini and I can feel the joy sucked right out of me. I begin to worry if my husband saw the image and if so, did he like what he saw? I begin second guessing my attire, why didn’t I wear something more attractive today? I know I look fat in this shirt! Why hasn’t my husband complimented me today? He must not be attracted to me anymore. If he’s not attracted to me he’s certainly going to find her attractive! It’s only a matter of time before…
And suddenly I’m angry and sad and my day is potentially ruined! And why? Because I let my thoughts run wild and invited the enemy to join in.
Women need to guard their hearts and minds just as much as men do. For men, pornography is a heart issue and they have to choose to renew their minds daily. If my husband lets down his guard, for even just a minute, then he risks having a relapse. So he takes every precaution every day to keep his thoughts captive, to think on things that are pure, to practice bouncing his eyes, and to renew his mind and focus on the Lord. If he goes to such great lengths to keep himself from falling, why don’t I do the same!?! Does the Bible tell only men to be holy? So I don’t struggle with porn, that doesn’t mean my heart and mind are pure. I still struggle with impure thoughts that effect my behavior; thoughts full of fear, worry, judgment, shame, criticism, etc. My thought life is key to whether or not sexy commercials and ads throw me onto a spiral of self-doubt.
So I’ll share my secret with you. Are you ready? It’s going to blow you away. The secret to having a better thought life and discerning the lies of the enemy is… God’s Word and prayer. Now the cat’s out of the bag. I’m being tongue-in-cheek because it’s so simple, so readily available to us, yet most Christian women (including myself) fail to tap into the amazing power of God’s Word and prayer on a daily basis. According to 2 Peter 1:3, “His divine power has given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us by glory and virtue…” (NKJV). Jesus has given us His power to overcome the enemy’s tactics in our lives and to live a life a godliness. We can have pure hearts and minds. It’s not impossible. Romans 12:2 says, “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.” We can be transformed from fearful, insecure, ashamed, and angry by renewing our minds. How do we do that? “…casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ…” (2 Corinthians 10:5, NKJV). We take captive (imprison) those thoughts that are ungodly- full of shame, fear, anxiety- and we make them obedient to Christ. In other words, whenever impure thoughts creep up, we recognize it, stop, say “I will not think on this.” Then we need to replace the impure thought with one that is pleasing to God. “Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things” (Philippians 4:8, NKJV). One of my favorite verses. Memorize it. Then when you find yourself competing with the women in sexy commercials, or dwelling on the past of your husband’s addiction, or simply worrying about your kids, finances, in-laws… pray and ask God to renew your mind and help you think on things that are true, just, pure, lovely, and of good report. Trust me, if you do, those thoughts that usually throw your day into a downward spiral of anger, insecurity, and depression will be vanquished by the power of Jesus.