I have heard this question asked numerous times when a wife finds out that her husband is viewing porn. Somehow she thinks that if she joins him in watching porn it will perhaps make it easier for both of them in that she isn’t left out (hence the ‘extra’-marital affair) and he isn’t cheating or being selfish because she is right by his side.
Other women have thought that if they were willing to watch porn with their husband then he would find her more attractive and pleasing which would then lead to a more intimate sex life together.
So many times I have tried to answer this question based on what I believe is Biblical truth as well as what I always see happen when a woman does this. It ends in disaster. If she is a Christian woman, she feels the shame of participating in what she knows to be sinful in the eyes of God as well as participating in the very thing that is consuming her own husband’s heart. Everything she assumed ends up slapping her in the face. I meet with women every day whose spouses are struggling with porn and unfortunately many of those women have believed this lie. Consider this article that I found at Family Dynamics Institute before you consider viewing porn with your spouse.
It’s quite common for couples to ask my opinion on whether or not
they are Biblically free to use pornography to help them get ready for
sex or to enhance their lovemaking.
I have three thoughts to share concerning this issue:
One The average female porn star retires by the age
of 28 and the average male porn star retires by the age of 32. The
reason for this is that the porn industry sees the human body as being
at its physical peak between the ages of 18 and 28 for females; 21-32
for males. Her breasts are firmer and other areas of both the male and
female bodies are without age spots or wrinkles. The person in a
pornography video will never grow a day older or lose that
“perfection,” yet your wife or husband naturally will.
Here’s the warning: If you choose to use pornography as a means to
sexually arouse yourself, you are forfeiting the ability to become
aroused by your spouse. Over time, it will become more and more
difficult to be sexually aroused by your lifemate because he or she
will age while the porn star forever remains youthful in pictures and
videos. Losing the ability to be sexually aroused by your spouse is a
very bad thing! Not only are you putting yourself at risk for the
temptation of an affair, but you are killing what should be a beautiful
experience shared by you and your spouse.
Furthermore, which is really the better body? Is the better body the
one whose breasts nursed your children and held you close when you were
scared or sad? The body that sleeps by your side at night? The world
might see the young porn star’s body as being the best, but which is
really the best? Why would you want to give up the ability to be
aroused by the best?
Two The use of pornography will inevitably destroy
the self esteem of your spouse. Porn stars are selected because they
are not normal. The females they select are usually far above average
in breast size and in the appearance of other features. The males are
usually far above average in terms of penis size and in the appearance
of other features.
As your spouse is constantly exposed to the “perfection” of the
people having sex in the video, he or she usually begins to feel ugly,
inadequate and unwanted. In time it becomes painfully obvious to your
spouse that a substitute is required to sexually excite you. Can you
see how that would destroy self esteem? And trust me, it doesn’t get
better with time–it only gets worse as each of you experience the
normal aging process while at the same time watching porn stars who are
permanently young.
Three If you are using another person–even a
picture of another person–to sexually excite and arouse yourself, you
are commiting adultery according to Jesus. Jesus said, “You have heard
that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone
who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her
in his heart” (Matthew 5:27-28).
I certainly don’t want to judge another person. Nor do I want to
involve myself in another’s sex life. Each person is obviously free to
make independent choices, yet I feel that it is important for you to
have all the facts and viewpoints at your access so that you can make
an informed decision.
This question has been asked so often by couples around the world
that we felt it necessary to provide an answer as a resource for
individuals who want to please God in every area of their lives and to
act in the best interest of their marriage and spouse.
Written by Lee Wilson
Director of Web Media and Literature
Family Dynamics Institute
© 2005 Lee Wilson. All rights reserved.