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Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

by Craig Gross on January 30th, 2017 in The Haps, Women, Couples, Spouses

stay-goThis question in the title of this blog is a tough one. I think every marriage is different, and the ways each one of us are able to handle these types of large questions – especially when our marriages have deteriorated to the point where we’re asking them in the first place – depends on our relationship, our makeup, and just who we are in general.

I have seen couples who got through affairs and I have seen couples who haven’t. My friend Rick Reynolds runs, a great organization that’s helping with this issue. He spells out the 6 different types of affairs here.

A lot of times there are underlying issues that lead to the affair (for example, we often discover that addiction is present for a lot of people who cheat). Whether you stay or go is going to be up to you and no one else (Tweet This).

No matter who we are, we’re going to make mistakes; the tendency to do that is only going to increase when you’re dealing with the aftermath of an affair. In this terrific article, Leslie Harde of Affair Recovery has spelled out twenty common mistakes that a hurt spouse can make:

  1. Believing that, once your spouse agrees to end the affair or the behavior, it is truly ended.
  2. Demanding that your spouse pledge 100% commitment to the marriage right at the moment of disclosure.
  3. Bludgeoning your spouse with guilt, thinking that this will be helpful.
  4. Drawing too much security from changed phone numbers and email addresses.
  5. Believing that you can keep your mate safe and away from temptation.
  6. Trying to compete with the affair partner, pornography, or other behavior.
  7. Trashing the affair partner.
  8. Trying to convince your spouse that nobody will ever love him/her as much as you do.
  9. Using your children or grandchildren as pawns.
  10. Beating up the unfaithful mate with guilt, shame, or the opinions of others to keep them from leaving.
  11. Making threats.
  12. Trying to drive the affair partner off by personal confrontation.
  13. Contacting the affair partner and then believing them.
  14. Believing there is a simple formula or a set course to fix the problem.
  15. Believing that the threat of exposure will be enough to convince your mate to quit the behavior.
  16. Trying to get all the unfaithful spouse’s friends on your side.
  17. Trying to “woo” your spouse back and expecting instant gratitude and immediate results.
  18. Believing that you, the faithful spouse, are “blameless” and the only one who has things to forgive.
  19. Believing that your unfaithful mate will find you more appealing if you get attention from others.
  20. Believing that if you, the faithful spouse, should or can do the same thing

You should really check out that whole article, and if your marriage – or the marriage of someone you know or love – is being affected by infidelity, be sure to check out

For those of you who are not dealing with affair: thank God. We have a great workshop for married couples that can help strengthen your relationship and draw the two of you even closer together. It’s called Fighting for My Marriage. You can learn more about that workshop at

At XXXchurch, we believe strong marriages are a cornerstone for individual freedom, so please check out these great resources and do the work you need to do to keep your marriage going strong.



  • Albibird

    I think I will be happier forever single.

    • Luke

      You weren’t meant to stay single.

      • Smoky LaMar

        Luke, how do *you* know? Are you in the place of God??

      • Prophet George W Bush PBUH

        That’s not what Paul said.

  • shannonwig

    First you need to realize if this is going to be an all the time thing or was it just one mistake. Taking our vows shouldn’t be taken lightly. If it was a one time thing and you feel you KNOW this for sure, forgiveness is the best policy. Jesus teaches us to forgive and that applies to everyone, even our spouse. It won’t be easy, and will take a long time. Both people need to realize, too, that forgiveness is different than forgetting. Saying, “I have reached the point that I forgive you” does not mean, “I have forgotten it happened and we can act like it never did.” Being able to overcome these things will strengthen a marriage in the long run, but it will take a long time and a lot of work. I guess the real question comes down to what is your marriage worth to you? I myself feel a marriage is sacred and should be treated as such. You wouldn’t toss out something sacred to your heart if it was it was damaged. You would try to repair it with what ever it takes. A marriage should be something that you are always willing to work harder for and take the time and effort to repair, unless you realize, the other person is no longer willing.

    • Prophet George W Bush PBUH

      That sounds nice, but that’s not the reality of how it works. We live in a society dominated by the wants of the female species. If HE cheats, she gets everything in the divorce. If SHE cheats, SHE STILL gets everything in the divorce. It’s easy to say “A marriage should be something that you are always willing to work harder for and take the time and effort to repair” when you have the anatomy to back it up. There’s no incentive for women to take marriage vows seriously or stay in marriage when it’s not going well, none. As a result, many men are staying single and rightfully so because the risks are way too high. I have personally lived this.

      • Eli

        I disagree about not being incentives for women to take vows seriously, don’t know what kind of women you have meet or had experiences with, but I think it is not reality to say all women is like this or ends up getting everything, like, to get the “stuff” is to win everything after a divorce, like a trophy from winning a competition. In my experience I am the one loosing with a husband that haven’t being making good decisions and honestly if I choice to divorce him I would not get much, we don’t even own a house and most of the stuff we have are second hand. You see I haven’t married him because what he could gave me, but because I choose to love him and I believe God gave me that choice then, as is giving me that choice today even after my husband has being breaking my heart over and over again. We all go to the altar to get marriage, in the Bible altar, (in the Old Testament) talks about sacrifices, so when two people go there and declare a commitment to each other before God, you present yourself as a sacrifice and the other person does the same for you, it is a choice that declares that we are loving the person giving ourselves to her/him, to die to ourselves. that is what marriage is about, but when one or both sides don’t get it and get marriage just to fulfill their own needs (just like to buy a coke to fulfill your need of thirst) then all this starts not in the right track. Now, even when both did understood still will make mistakes and there is where the choices have to be made again. Honestly didn’t want to preach you, so forgive me if I did, just want to share and inside about what I understand from this issue and how I think women should be perceive too. I keep choosing to forgive my husband, because God says it, but also because I believe that is what I should be doing now, it helps me to learn depend of God rather than my emotions or feelings or even over my wants and rights, depending of God has allow me to know Him better and find strength and comfort in Him rather than in drama of tears and complaining, at the end I can’t change my husband, only God can and only if my husband choice to allow God change him, other wise, my husband will lose and sadly that will make me loose too, not loose hope or money or society position, but lose to see us fulfill the commitment we did 10 yrs ago before God. At the end will be sad and a lose battle, but not the end of the war, God will still be my rock, my deliver, my fortress. then you can say, that women and men always win 🙂

        • Prophet George W Bush PBUH

          “but I think it is not reality to say all women is like this or ends up getting everything, like, to get the “stuff” is to win everything after a divorce, like a trophy from winning a competition” –

          PIECE OF ADVICE: stick your head in a family court sometimes and see if you still feel the same way.

          Love the rest of what you had to say but you’re definitely the exception, not the rule.

        • Jess

          Wow…. I’m in the exact same position. I found out, only 2 nights ago, that my husband made the decision to go back to something that has been a struggle for years. I repeatedly forgive him because that’s what I’m supposed to do, right? I’ll admit, this time it’s been a real struggle not to leave and call it quits. But even if I do that, there is no way I have the heart to feel like I have to “punish” him or make his life a living hell. That’s not my place to do so.
          It will always be a lose/lose situation no matter what. I can understand the bitterness some people (husband and/or wife) can have in their hearts. They’ll think that if they get everything it’ll make them feel better, when in reality they’re left empty.
          In a way, your comment comforts me to know that I’m not the only one that feels this way and struggles time and time again with a spouses decision.

        • shannonwig

          Amen. 🙂

    • elladeon

      Except, the “one mistake” is itself the violation and dissolution of the vows. If a husband cheats, HE is the one who broke up the marriage, not the wife. The wife does have the decision to stay or to go, and she could decide to stay — but he was the one that did not treat the marriage as sacred and he was the one who tossed it out. There may be very good reasons to stay, but there may also be very good reasons to leave, “one mistake” or “repentant” or not. (I’m using husband / wife just for clarity, not to say men cheat more than women or are more to blame.)

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