You know not a lot of people are not willing to talk about their sexual relationship and heaven forbid if you talk about sex in church. Now don’t get me wrong I have seen much improvement in the church taking on this subject but, it is still not enough not even close.
Brian and I have talked about this before with people, couples, and with each other over the last couple of years. Finding it beneficial for married couples to share what they have learned about sex in their marriage. I would like to touch base on how our marriage bed was affected by pornography. During Brian’s addiction, during the healing process, and after things turned around.
During The Addiction:
When we first got married our sexual relationship was great as most newly married couples will tell you. However, things started to change rather quickly and became very ugly. It felt to me that I was no longer having sex with my husband and being loved like a wife should. Instead I felt like I was becoming nothing more than a play thing; some sex toy for him.
He would constantly try to get me to have sex with him all the time and there were even several times I felt like I was being forced to have sex with him. His sexual desires even changed to the point that we were doing things that I didn’t want to do but, felt that if I didn’t he would just keep bugging me until I gave in. It was getting harder and harder to stand up for myself. After you get the feeling of all my husband wants from me is sex, self esteem goes down the toilet.
Not only was he affecting my sex life but my life in general. I had no courage to say “no” to him in anything we did. He was becoming a monster and I was getting more and more afraid of him. The same man that I made a promise to God and to myself that I would love him until death, I was now looking for a way out. Trying whatever I could to avoid confrontation I would stay up late until he would be in bed asleep. Going to bed early so that he would not see me get into my pajamas, this was one of the many triggers that would start the fight. Pretending I was asleep so that he would just leave me alone. These things I did in order to stay away from having sex with him.
I was now living in a nightmare; one that seemed like I could never wake up from. I have been raised in a strong Christian family, I knew that leaving would be wrong, but at what point do I call this abuse? Maybe I would leave him and take the kids heading to my parents house. Maybe I could freeze him out so much by not having sex with him that he would leave me; since sex was so important to him. Something had to change and change soon it had to stop!!!
At this point I knew he watched porn and had a few magazines but, I had no idea how bad it was. In fact when he would pressure me into having sex I would tell him, “Go watch a movie and help yourself.” I know now that I was helping him feed his addiction. If I only knew what I now know, things might have been changed earlier. Nor did I know that this was stealing my husband from me and ripping us apart.
It will be a day that I will NEVER forget! After our church held a Porn and Pancakes event, after Brian told me and our small group that he had a porn addiction. It was Saturday and he had just returned from the Porn and Pancakes event. He walked in and I could tell that something had changed something about his eyes. Like God had finally lifted the veil of porn, that had been covering them for so many years.
He asked the kids to go downstairs came in and gave me a big hug. I did not say one word. He started a fire and put all of the porn stuff he had, movies, DVD’s and magazines. Like a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. Not always angry, not jumpy, Brian the wonderful man that I married was coming back to me.
It was not easy at first, I was still cautious about things at night. After all people can’t stop habits immediately right? We did not have sex for a while, this was good for me. I needed to know that I was no longer an object of sex for him but something that he was cherishing.
At first the sex was almost “new” again. It was so refreshing, during his healing process we had started talking, I mean really talking about things. He wanted to know what I had been feeling and how it affected me. After telling him that I had been afraid of him, it hurt him badly. The healing process is a long road for both people; please if this is you do not give up. When two people love each other God will help you overcome obstacles.
Brian and I are so very different now compared to how it was years ago. We are not broken, but beautifully created again. Our marriage is now what God intended it to be. Ladies, please do not give up, if you love this man, help him. Porn is an addiction, one that will come in and steal everything from you. Do not let Satan win; stand by your husband/boyfriend.
I am so proud of Brian and what he has overcome. I am not ashamed of him, but I look at him as a stronger man than ever before. He was up against something so powerful; he was willing to risk everything for it. Our relationship is not all a bed of roses, we still have our fights and arguments, but now we can talk through them and not hurt each other like before. His healing and admitting he had a problem has saved our marriage.
If you are looking for a resource to help you walk through this please visit our friends at Partners For Purity. These are a group of women who get it. They have been there before and want to help you get through this too.
Another greta place for resources would be the resource section here on the web site.
You can also contact Brian and Myself at [email protected].