“How are you not more upset right now? Every time you talk about it I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach.”
My husband asked me that as we read about another brokenhearted wife whose husband is a porn addict, and I could almost see his heart beating out of his chest. His face turned sorrowful and he shook his head in shame. He doesn’t understand how I can minister to hurting women without feeling overwhelmed by the pain of our past. Every time we learn about another broken family, he gets upset. Every time.
For him, it’s a reminder of the pain we experienced in our marriage. It’s a reminder of the things he did. And he doesn’t understand why I am not hurt all over again.
It’s because I focus on grace, not porn.
When I am talking to a wife who has been devastated by the darkness of pornography, I focus on the healing. I tell her there is hope. That things can get better. That her heart can be mended. That her husband can find freedom. That their marriage can be restored. I focus on the transformational power of God’s grace because I’ve seen that true in my own heart and marriage. I focus on the overcoming, on the good, and I try to point her towards healing.
My husband, though he has been set free from this addiction and has remained sober for many years, still struggles with feelings of shame. He is greatly ashamed of the way he lived his life for so long; a life of lies, secrecy, and pornography. And while he doesn’t dwell on it day after day, when he reads about the intense pain of these women affected by pornography, it becomes hard for him to focus on grace; rather he focuses on the porn and the pain. He’s disgusted by it.
I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. Understanding and fully grasping the magnitude of pornography and its destructive effects is crucial to sobriety. That’s something that my husband wants to be reminded of now and again. He never wants to forget.
For me, I have to focus on grace. If I were to sit and mull over the pain and think about the things my husband used to do; if I let the enemy come in and remind me of the pain, the anguished thoughts, the insecurities… then yes, I would be hurt all over again. I would allow myself to be overcome. Our past is our past. It hasn’t gone anywhere just because my husband is sober.
If I wanted to I could call up very painful memories. But because of God’s great love for me, He has shown me grace and given me the ability to forgive my husband. He has delivered my husband from a 16-year addiction to pornography. He has restored our marriage to something I cherish. And because of His grace, I am able to use this awful thing from our past for good. To minister to wives who are hurting. I choose to think about the healing, the restoration, the sobriety. I focus on grace, not porn.
If you’re in the middle of this journey towards healing, it’s easy to focus on the porn. To focus on the pain. To dwell in despair and anger. But you will find your heart and ultimately your marriage will heal much faster if you can focus on healing, forgiveness, sobriety, and restoration. Focus on grace.