“I’m so desperate; I can’t believe I’ve sinned against you. Create in me a clean heart (I’m so sorry) Your mercy is what I need.” These words begin the song Desperate by Lecrae. If you’re like me you can relate to how freeing it is to be in God’s grace… But I also know how it feels when you don’t seem to be good enough for the perfect God who came to earth and in thirty three years of life never sinned once. It’s not that He doesn’t accept me regardless of my sins and faults, no its quite the opposite, He’s standing there waiting for me to turn back to Him… but for some reason there is something in me that doesn’t want Him to cleanse me. I don’t deserve it.
Lecrae goes on in the first verse of the song and tells of his own struggles with this.
“Can’t stand to see my own reflection so I hang my head
Feel like a disappointment like the scum of the earth
I’m so hurt I know You see I can’t cover my dirt
My souls dying hearts weak and I can’t even cry
I’m s’posed to run to You but WHY I’m such an evil guy
The sun’s shining but for me it’s the darkest of days
Try to pretend it never happened but the guilt remains
I leave the house it feels like everybody knows I did it
Feels like they reading my mind and know the sin I committed
Through Your blood I’m acquitted but my heart doesn’t get it”

Oh! How I’ve been there so many times, where its months, weeks even hours since I’ve fallen into temptation; “I’m doing so good, I’m going to beat it this time! THIS TIME it’s different.” …BUT in the end, like with any addiction it seemed that the porn and the desires of my flesh would catch up with me. There seemed to be no escape. No hope.
“I’m waste deep in my pity
Is Satan trying to trick me and tell me You won’t forgive me
Cause it’s startin to get me
Jesus help me quickly I hate wrong I’ve done
I know we all fall but I feel like the only one
Feels like I should be shunned
Should I punish myself
I know it’s dumb cause by your death all my sin has been dealt
But my sin has been felt
I didn’t want to do it
But what I want to do I don’t
I swear I’m gonna to lose it
Try to open my Bible I need to read Your pages
I need You Lord but my guilt has got me feeling so faithless
Help me see where Your face is
Take me back to the basics
Help me find my joy in You and not people and places
My sin is ever before me I turned my back on You
Oh Father break and restore me to bring me back to You”

I felt awful trying so hard, yet failing again. Sometimes I’d run to God and repent, and say “Phew! I’m never doin’ that again!” But sadly, other times I would wait to turn back to God, because I felt so bad, like too big of a mess. I didn’t want to go back to God and take His grace again, especially after I had taken advantage of it. It seemed it would be easier to stick to my sin and wallow in it “freely” instead of turning back to God and accepting His grace again.

“Have mercy on me God according to Your steady love
Wipe away my transgression and wash me in Your blood
Create in me a clean heart renew a right spirit
Don’t take your Spirit away Your Presence keep me near it
I’m waiting patience on You Lord I know You hear my cry
Restore Your Joy in me
For You alone I live and die
It’s You I Glorify cause You don’t want my sacrifice
You want me broken and contrite trusting in the Christ
I confess to You my sin and You show me mercy
I turn away from it demonstrating that You are worthy
Over lust, over pride, over all sin
Is my affection for Jesus is who died for all them
I was lost now I’m found I was toss to the ground
My sin weighed on me heavy but I am no longer bound
As sure as Christ wears the crown
I know that grace will abound
And even when I feel lost I know in You I am found”

God is waiting for us to come back to Him, like the father in the parable of the prodigal son in Luke 15. All of us prodigal sons and daughters have gone astray. Sometimes we just have to get down with the pigs and eat their slop to realize nothing beats being in the Father’s grace. It doesn’t matter how much porn you’ve looked at, how many “kittens you’ve killed”, or how many people you have had sex with. He still stands at the door and knocks; He still has grace and mercy to cover your mistakes and shame. God still loves you.
I know how hard it is to go back to God and tell Him you have messed up again. But, it’s worth it in the end; He will take your shame away and make you whole again. And if its freedom that you want, He is the only way you can find it.