Porn has been a big part of my life since I was about 13. From seeing my first downloaded image, building a collection of magazines to telling my friend for the first time when I was 23 and blogging and working with xxxchurch. Porn has been around, one way or another.
But for so long it seemed that I would not be able to shake the strangle porn had over my life. The never ending lust, the constant vows to never ever look again, the sneakiness of hiding my actions and the fear of getting caught. This was just my life and I was getting really good at believing it wouldn’t change.
For me that was the biggest hurdle on my way to purity. Getting over the lie that purity was impossible. When you are fighting a losing battle like porn throws you, there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
But I soon realised something. Something that would change my life.
The reason I believed I was stuck and was never getting out was because I was alone. I had friends sure, I had a close family, I went to church and I socialized. But yet I was alone. I was alone because no one knew my secret. And so I did what I knew I had to do but kept putting off.
I told someone.
I knew that if I wanted to be free I was going to need help. And I would need a lot of help.
Telling my best friend from Uni was one of the most difficult things I ever did. I was entering into the unknown. I knew porn. I knew the feelings that porn brought up. They were crappy feelings and they made me feel like a failure and ashamed. But they were familiar and they brought me comfort in a strange sort of way.
But being honest about my problems brought about a whole set of new feelings. Feelings of purpose. Of having a real place in God’s plans. Of feeling confident to stand up and know I had sinned but that God loved me more than I could imagine.
So we talked once a week and I was asked questions that forced me to be open about my habits, my lusts and my sin. We prayed and I felt more than I had ever felt before, that God was real, and he was here.
Porn slowly became a thing of the past.
Perhaps it was the newness, but after some time I stopped making those calls to my friend and we stopped talking. The good habits that I had built up gradually burned out. And naturally porn began to creep back in. Before long I was back to where I never imagined I would return to. But thankfully even though I changed, God hadn’t and he was still there. And I knew that if I wanted to be free once again I had to get back to being open with someone.
So I told another close friend and we actually met up this time, face to face and talked and prayed. Through the years since I have kept it up, with various people in various new ways. But always keeping honesty and consistency at the heart of our conversations.
It was not always easy. I messed up many, many times. I was not perfect. I am still not perfect. So often I would take one step forward and three back. I would have my friend call me out on sites that appeared on my x3watch reports. I would start to believe I didn’t need help just because I made it a few days without porn. I would still struggle with lust.
But where before I was alone now I had people who I trusted and who I could be open and honest with. Knowing that I was free to be real because of the freedom that Christ had given me.
And now I am married, I am free with the help of God and some really close and incredible people and I am winning the battle with porn that once had a tight grip on me.
It won’t always be easy. You will fall flat sometimes. But keep going. Keep being honest with people you trust and love you no matter what. And trust that God loves you no matter what.
And soon you will see a difference. You will start to feel those urges drop away. You will start to see your life in a new light. You will win battles that before, would knock you out cold.
Your journey can start now.
Purity is possible.