“I would rather know pain than be numb…”
I always knew what I was doing was wrong. I felt bad. But that’s about all I felt. You see, what started out as my little secret – my little behind-doors whim – poured out into a whole lot more, and it molded me. It tugged at me. It clawed its way until I no longer could feel my own sorrow. I no longer could grasp my own deprivation…because my deprivation became me. But somewhere along the way I believed the lie that my emotions would overtake me and slap me along the face and straighten me out. Surely I’d feel my pain and I would…well…change.
“…but then again, we asked for the opiates to numb the pain for us.”
Along the way, though, my emotions became thoughtlessly vague. I was numb, but it was my fault – I asked for it. I was foolish enough to let my illness numb the pain – the emotion that was my one true chance of escape. Again and again I tuned in to numb my convictions, my fears and my lack of faith. This pattern couldn’t continue…and it didn’t.
The two lines above come from Levi The Poet’s piece “Resentment.” It’s a grim picture, but it’s not so foreign, is it? Pornography was my opiate and I was certainly numb to any pain, but what was really going on inside me was the draining of all my emotions. Pornography likes to lie to you and believe it can just live in your private life, but it begins to wear on you and oversee your emotions.
Eventually, it was like I became an entirely different person. I was bitter. I snapped at anyone who challenged me. I was consumed with my needs and how I could benefit in any situation. Worse yet, relationships became more about pleasure and less about compassion and respect. But that’s what I felt (though I wasn’t feeling anything at all). I hurt so many people and there were times I felt bad, but I’d oftentimes lay there at night and scream at God, “Why am I not sick of this? Why am I so careless? God, why cannot I not just feel?”
But here’s the reality that I found: I didn’t lose my emotions, my emotions were just stunted (hidden if you will). As I opened up and stopped putting on my Sunday best, I was able to be the person that God loves, broken or not. To sum it up: I began to feel. Trust me, it wasn’t an overnight process, and it won’t be for you. I’m still learning what it means to build a relationship with a woman of Christ. But, I found what I thought was lost. It’s not the road I would’ve liked to go down, but it’s the one that’s brought me back to reality – back home to my emotions.
So there you have it: short and sweet. Porn never stays private. It never stays behind closed doors. Don’t let it numb your emotions, because you’ll never get back those years that the locusts will take. Believe me, I know.